Sunday, June 24, 2018

The time in between

Give or take.
One last send off prior to surgery.

There is no calm in serving my Man as I nurse Him through chemo, through cancer, through recovery from a 16hour surgery only to
and repeat.

He, too drained to lead.
me, to frightened to follow.

W/we are hardly even to an appropriate mid-life crises stage of life.
Yet, all W/we have felt

Passion takes on a new platform.  Service takes on a new level of sacrifice.

The time in between
past U/us?

He’s in my mouth.
For fuck’s sake there is no one on the Earth, in that moment, so relieved to FINALLY be tasting Him.

I straddle Him and come down softly, afraid to hurt Him.
He snarls some version of
I don’t give a fuck

I grip His chest without regard for the port under His skin.
He clearly gives a fuck about that as He yells in pain.

I come
Over and over
Each time He says so❤️

Then, I get to swallow.

After over 25years of loving the same Man there are many encounters long since forgotten.
This one,

Thank you to each of you who has left U/us kind words of support and prayers.  W/we have a long way to go but W/we will get there.

Thursday, May 3, 2018

I can hardly recall....

I have missed my blog.
I have missed my blogging friends.

I have thought about logging on so many times.
What would I even say?
Do I even remember my log-on?

If you have been through a trauma or a loss you have certainly heard some sort of the following...

You have to find your new normal.

What a fucking simplistic explanation to a complex problem.

It dumbs down the magnitude of the “new normal”.
It lightens the request of the task.
It implies that “normal” would currently be a word in your vocabulary.

And, is sadly appropriate.

I’m not sure where to even start with an update- these past 7months have been _________.
Insanely difficult
Not meant for us

There really are no appropriate words to explain what this has felt like.  I am consistently dumbfounded that thousands, hundreds of thousands, of families are doing this exact thing each day... and surviving.

That’s my biggest question,
Do you even know when you have reached your limit of handling it well?

1. Chemo
2. Surgery
3. Exponentially longer and more difficult chemo plan.

We are on phase #3.

I wish I could be one of those individuals who faces this pile of shit and learns to see the beauty in everything.  I have not been able to get there and I am certain that I waste precious time/moments as I race 1000mph to finish all of our day to day tasks.

I miss every single thing about our life 8 months ago....

Thursday, October 19, 2017

My One. My Only.

Of all those girls who turned your head back in high school...... why me?
Those quite a bit prettier, quite a bit softer, quite a bit....... less....... me. 
But, there it is....... 


Every day for the past 25 years, you have chosen me.


I have sat at your feet.
I have cried in your arms.
I have brought our children into the world.
I have put my foot down and I have crumbled with humble release.

How did you know?

How did you know that our combination of love, passion, humor, respect, strength, and commitment would carry us?

How did you know that we would become U/us?

For me

I knew it was you.
I knew that my heart would never survive spending my life without you.  

I knew that nothing would taste as sweet or feel as warm if I didn’t chose you.

I saw your strength and knew you would protect me.  
I saw your kindness and knew you would be the only Man that I would raise a family with.
I saw your smile......... and I was never the same.

You have righted our course more times than I can count.
You have held me on the most genuine pedestal of admiration and love.
You placed a song in my heart that was handwritten for only me.
You have created a HOME built on a foundation that is unbreakable.

“I love you” has never been enough.
“I serve you” came closer.

“I will take care of you”

Now, that is everything I have in one declaration.

YES baby.  
I will take care of you.

Wednesday, October 4, 2017

To the invader of my happiness- FUCK YOU!

Where do you go at 4am and the world is asleep- but not you?

My private blog.
Oh you Googlers who come upon a sexy blog only to find that it’s a long time blogger having non-sexy problems..... I remember skipping past those..... at first.
you learn to care for the person behind the sub and their love for their partner who happens to be their Dom/me.
You share joy with them and their new baby, you share sorrow with them as they grieve the loss of a loved one......

Something I am quite certain I have never blogged about but certainly thought about was..... what if?

What if something happened to my Man?
What if he got sick?
What if I had to jump in the driver’s seat?

I no longer have to wonder, what if....

FUCK YOU cancer, FUCK YOU very much.

Wednesday, June 28, 2017

To the point.....kind of

As I was mindlessly watching a video of a woman playing the piano, I had a moment.

  Dejavu I suppose.

I remember watching a movie, or TV show, where this young woman was in a piano lesson.  Her teacher held a sharpened pencil, pointing up, next to the piano keys.  The expectation was that the woman keep her wrists high while she played.  Consequently, when she didn't, her wrists would be poked by the sharp pencil.

I remembered this scene.  And, I remembered how it made me feel.
It was invigorating.

It wasn't the teacher, it wasn't the student, it wasn't even the damn piano.
The predicament.
The consequence.
Good God I loved the butterflies I felt!

How is this the first time I have thought about that in the 5+ years we have been down this road?!

Wednesday, May 24, 2017

busy coasting

opportunity for growth.

always there.

the love of my life.

always there.

have you ever just coasted?

there is a lack of closure when you just.............coast.
maybe not a lack of closure really, nothing is ending.

a lack of


with effort-  there can be so much more.

i like more.

Friday, March 17, 2017

Modern conveniences.

It has been a LONG time................................

Our house was built in small stages long before we moved in.  A room here......a room there......a little cottage meant for the summer many years ago now a family home.


The electrical outlets in our room went out.  No big deal.....we roll with the punches......for a handful of reasons we needed to wait for our fix-it guy to, well, fix it.


Please, follow me on this.

One month.  NO HITACHI!

Now, my submissive men-friends (sub hub....sub love.....) I get that there is a sense of satisfaction for you as you are denied orgasm from your amazingly Dominant wives........


If I could have literal BLUE balls......I would have!  I ached in a way I cannot even explain!  Having vaginal (g-spot) orgasms throughout that month only made the aching congestion worse.

Maybe if this was an intended denial I would have received it better and with more grace?  My Man offered more than once for me to bring my friend downstairs and use a working plug......our family time just really didn't allow for that.

And then......

It happened.........

With power restored my Man reminded me that no one else was home and there was a vibrator waiting for me!!!

Oh.  Sweet.  Jesus!

Swats from the crop peppering my breasts and thighs turned into my head tilted back over the bed and my mouth being fucked.  I came.  Too many times to count and too many times to even see straight.

My Man walked out of our bedroom.  Sat in the living room chair.  Called me to get on my knees and suck on him.  After a short time, he sent me back to our bedroom......

Have another.  Then, come back.

I did.

The staggered back to him.  Back to my knees.

Go again. 

I did.

As I got up from the bed, he calls out..........Three more.

I became a literal puddle.  The release was unreal.  All tension, gone.  All anxieties, gone.  All congestion binding up my vagina for a month, gone!

I begrudgingly admitted to myself that the wait added to the euphoria I otherwise would only have experienced a fraction of.  An interesting lesson for sure.