I had no intention of following up my A little Pearl of wisdom... post with an even more ironic follow up... But I am nothing if not fair and honest.
Sometimes life is not as black and white as we may think it is. Lines blur and colors change. And sometimes, we can no longer focus past what we are certain is right there. And SOMETIMES, we are even wrong.
My blogger friend, and Heron's nyghtbird, little girl, blogged a while ago about a frustration that increased as Heron reminded her that this was not about her. She stewed and thought about it throughout her work day and she finally stopped stewing and started thinking. I remembered reading little girl's explanation of how she really came to understand that she had been so focused on how she felt that she was not able to see where she was in the wrong. (I hope I am not butchering the true flow of that post my friend!).
The truth is, as many of you know, there is this little fucker that I deal with (maybe most of us deal with some form of this?). Self doubt, insecurity, overwhelmed perfectionist, call it what you like- to me it's the little fucker. Her only purpose is to distract me from the true problem at hand and instead- linger on the path of perceived least resistance.
My service and intent were not very loving and after a few incidents too many of my spiteful serving He called me out. Even worse, He called himself out.
How did I not feel victory when He said that He was struggling? I was certainly behaving as though it was me against Him.
Wasn't this a win for me?
For U/us, I actually can honestly say it was. We needed to be heard, to talk, and we did just that. We needed to apologize, and connect. I needed to know that my Man was not oblivious nor indifferent and He needed to know that that I understood that my submission was conditional and rather shitty the past few days.
I honestly don't know why I get such tunnel vision sometimes.
As soon as He started talking I just felt like such a jerk. Very selfish and completely unsupportive. He called me out. No clothes in bed is not just for easy access. I crave the skin to skin contact with him. No clothes in bed is FOR me. And, as I begrudgingly removed my clothes the past few nights I did so without moving close into him the way I love, the way I NEED.
Not all of my rules are for MY benefit.
Again, ouch. I needed a strong reminder that this is NOT all about me. Yes, I am important, the most important thing to my Man if fact. But, I made a promise as well. I promised to make HIM the most important and to put HIM first. Purposefully and without condition. And, I certainly need to be His strongest supporter.