Monday, November 30, 2015

Mistakes and tears

My 2 year blog-aversary has come and gone, nothing planned worked nearly "as planned".


I journaled, not posted, some very raw emotions.  I do that often but this one was RAW.

He and I had talked but the disrespectful, unedited, raw fear and doubts were saved for my private writings.  I say my private writings because although my Man has full access to my blog (posted and unposted) he really doesn't come here.  Until last week.

In the quickest way I can muster up the courage to say, I awoke to doors slammed- his truck leaving the driveway-and the blog page pulled up on my IPad he layed next to me.

Fuck 
Fuck
Fuck

Neither of us has ever left in anger.  Ever.

I have never feared for my marriage. Ever.

He returned several hours (and several angry texts) later.  I cried for two straight days.  

Although he softened on me a bit the evening of, I couldn't bring myself to talk about this all until the second night.  I was terrified.  I knew my heart couldn't handle the verbal attack I deserved.  Yes, my writing was based on expressing my needs and fears but I absolutely attacked him like never before and I will make absolutely no excuses.  I wrote this shitty horrible entry that made my Man feel hated.  

I did that.  He can never un-read those words.  I made him feel beyond unloved.

What kind of asshole does that?!  

As this searing pit is burning in my belly still, I can tell you this.  He is a good Man. (I guess I'm not finished crying after all).  He never attacked me- as much as it would have been warranted.  He said he appreciated me not explaining this away or making excuses.  He said he understands that I wrote this on my blog (journal) where I go to get out my feelings- I went where I am safe to go- and that he couldn't be angry with that.  However, he made it painfully clear how hurt he feels.  How badly my words cut.  He did not go easy on me in that respect.

He made me promise that I would not attempt to make it up to him.  He wanted me to understand that he would never throw this at me as a reason I had to comply or serve or to do something I didn't want to do just to "make this right".  

He is a good Man.

Where do you go when you break that trust?
How do you heal from feeling so let down?

This is a scary road.  One we have decided and promised to navigate together, but very scary, none the less.  


11 comments:

  1. Pearl, I know this sucks! He is right for understanding, you shouldn't feel bad...okay, I know that's not possible, but we all have feelings that are better left unsaid! It is important to get those bad feelings out. I have a serious problem keeping that stuff in and it only hurts me. Isnt it kinda smart to write it all out and take out the pieces that are real (rather than the crazy little fucker thoughts) to give to him?

    Perhaps, and this is just an idea to run by him, it would do you both good to have some sort of punishment for it. No one is at fault, but it's something that needs to be resolved, for sure. I know I would carry this with me for a LONG time if it was just...left. (Though I would probably willingly carry it around) I think it would stay with him, too. Perhaps you BOTH need a way to "make it right"?? Maybe punishment isn't the right word, maybe think of it as more of a resolution??

    Oh, I don't know!!

    Hug!!!!!

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    1. I could never thank you enough for reaching out when I need it- THANK YOU! And, to be honest, when I read your punishment suggestion I couldn't agree more. I can't handle indifference, and letting this go would feel that way. Apparently my Man felt the same as well. Last night brought some more talking and maybe his hardest swings of the blind tilt (our version of a cane) to date. The absolute hardest were reserved for each time I stated a certain hateful phrase in that entry. 4 hard beyond hard along with two more because of my cumming without permission (after over an hour of his denial yet impossible to ignore attempts- I think he really may have wanted me to earn a few more punishment welts??). We talked again today and while we both agree this is not just gone, there is so much more openness. I am not all locked up and he has made a very clear path for me to follow. He respects my need for direction and my ass and I very much understand that he is NOT indifferent and will not tolerate my veering off the path too far. Thank you again Misty.

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  2. Pearl, I am so sorry that this is happening. I think unfortunately, time is the key here. You just have to give it time for healing to take place. I'm here if you need me... Just an email away. Hugs and kisses to you ❤

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    1. I am learning that each of these moments NEEDS to happen. Pushing them down doesn't mean it's not there it just means that we are allowing it to grow uncontrolled. Thank you for never questioning my intention to serve- I suppose reading my screw ups could make that easy- but you never do. Thank you so very much lg.

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    2. Oh Pearl, first off, none of us is perfect and I would never dream of questioning or judging anyone trying to navigate their way through this dynamic. We have ALL made mistakes:) Really, my heart was breaking as I read your post because I knew how much pain you were in.

      Secondly, you are so brave to share not just the good, but also the bad. I think more people learn from our trials. And you may never know it, but your story will touch someone and help them in a way you may not realize.

      xoxo

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    3. Thank you, SO much.

      I was truly wrecked over this. Emotionally, physically, spiritually, everything in me was in pain. I couldn't move from my bed. It is always good to hear that the heart of my writing is understood and conveyed right. And, I think you are right, there is such a benefit to sharing the dark as well as the light.
      XOXO Pearl

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  3. It will take time. It will take you trusting Him. He does not want you to beat yourself up over it. He has asked that of you. That starts the trust rebuild.

    I think it's important to have your raw feelings, and I'm sure He agrees, but the execution of delivery is the issue. Take this as a lesson that He would rather you talk it out with Him first and then write it out.

    You two want this. You will work through it. Promise. Hugs.

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    1. My Man mentioned trust. I never thought that I wasn't trusting of him but to look at the other perspective- I truly was not. He felt/feels that his approach needed to change and I needed/still need time to grieve my mom's death without the intense distraction that being fully serving is. I knew he felt that way and I did not trust that this was best. Grieving hurts and I wanted to stop hurting. He knows me better and knows that I will just bury the pain if allowed. We do want this hs. I am so thankful for your thoughts and for your encouragement. I very much needed to hear each word. Thank you.

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    2. Grief is powerful. I still grieve over the loss of Mickey, and I know without a doubt when I mention a loss, He gives me a lot of time and space. Me breaking down on Him when I was raw from grief from Mickey's death taught us both a powerful lesson.

      Again, take time. Trust Him and that will help build the trust in yourself.

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  4. Pearl! I was wondering where you went. We were communicating almost daily and suddenly... I thought it was just the holiday. Now that I read this, I think it is just the process - learning to express the raw side of you and dealing with the affect it has on your husband. As horrible as the experience is as you go through it, I know it will ultimately bring you closer. Eric and I had a conversation the other day about me being steely eyed and angry toward him. I explained that when I behave that way, I'm closing off my heart because I'm hurting about something. He was shocked! If I hurt, he expects tears and a desire for love, not anger. I shield my pain with anger. We are learning the ropes. You may have been together forever, but all couples change and grow with time. See this as an avenue for opening even more to him and getting even closer. I've read most of your writing and you two have an amazing dance between you. Keep dancing girl! And hugs to you during the grieving process. It is yet another painful "process" that will eventually bring you a renewed strength, my friend. Hang in there. Amy

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    1. I so understand the lack of tears and instead the anger/frustration (add in silence too) when I am overwhelmed or hurting. This really did have to happen. There are no mistakes. Although I absolutely want to vomit every time I think of how he felt reading those words-how I would have felt to have read that about me I am in awe of how my Man is choosing a true positive path for this. He (like an honorable Dom) took my pain, took my rage, took my fears in his own heart and reminded me that those words are now his. He punished my disrespect NOT my words of pain, sadness, hurt and fear. I sobbed a barely coherent 'thank you' when he told me this. I am so thankful to have met you (and Eric) through blogging. The words of support and advice mean a great deal! Thank you!
      XOXO Pearl

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