I journaled, not posted, some very raw emotions. I do that often but this one was RAW.
He and I had talked but the disrespectful, unedited, raw fear and doubts were saved for my private writings. I say my private writings because although my Man has full access to my blog (posted and unposted) he really doesn't come here. Until last week.
In the quickest way I can muster up the courage to say, I awoke to doors slammed- his truck leaving the driveway-and the blog page pulled up on my IPad he layed next to me.
Neither of us has ever left in anger. Ever.
I have never feared for my marriage. Ever.
He returned several hours (and several angry texts) later. I cried for two straight days.
Although he softened on me a bit the evening of, I couldn't bring myself to talk about this all until the second night. I was terrified. I knew my heart couldn't handle the verbal attack I deserved. Yes, my writing was based on expressing my needs and fears but I absolutely attacked him like never before and I will make absolutely no excuses. I wrote this shitty horrible entry that made my Man feel hated.
I did that. He can never un-read those words. I made him feel beyond unloved.
What kind of asshole does that?!
As this searing pit is burning in my belly still, I can tell you this. He is a good Man. (I guess I'm not finished crying after all). He never attacked me- as much as it would have been warranted. He said he appreciated me not explaining this away or making excuses. He said he understands that I wrote this on my blog (journal) where I go to get out my feelings- I went where I am safe to go- and that he couldn't be angry with that. However, he made it painfully clear how hurt he feels. How badly my words cut. He did not go easy on me in that respect.
He made me promise that I would not attempt to make it up to him. He wanted me to understand that he would never throw this at me as a reason I had to comply or serve or to do something I didn't want to do just to "make this right".
He is a good Man.
Where do you go when you break that trust?
How do you heal from feeling so let down?
This is a scary road. One we have decided and promised to navigate together, but very scary, none the less.