Monday, November 30, 2015

Mistakes and tears

My 2 year blog-aversary has come and gone, nothing planned worked nearly "as planned".


I journaled, not posted, some very raw emotions.  I do that often but this one was RAW.

He and I had talked but the disrespectful, unedited, raw fear and doubts were saved for my private writings.  I say my private writings because although my Man has full access to my blog (posted and unposted) he really doesn't come here.  Until last week.

In the quickest way I can muster up the courage to say, I awoke to doors slammed- his truck leaving the driveway-and the blog page pulled up on my IPad he layed next to me.

Fuck 
Fuck
Fuck

Neither of us has ever left in anger.  Ever.

I have never feared for my marriage. Ever.

He returned several hours (and several angry texts) later.  I cried for two straight days.  

Although he softened on me a bit the evening of, I couldn't bring myself to talk about this all until the second night.  I was terrified.  I knew my heart couldn't handle the verbal attack I deserved.  Yes, my writing was based on expressing my needs and fears but I absolutely attacked him like never before and I will make absolutely no excuses.  I wrote this shitty horrible entry that made my Man feel hated.  

I did that.  He can never un-read those words.  I made him feel beyond unloved.

What kind of asshole does that?!  

As this searing pit is burning in my belly still, I can tell you this.  He is a good Man. (I guess I'm not finished crying after all).  He never attacked me- as much as it would have been warranted.  He said he appreciated me not explaining this away or making excuses.  He said he understands that I wrote this on my blog (journal) where I go to get out my feelings- I went where I am safe to go- and that he couldn't be angry with that.  However, he made it painfully clear how hurt he feels.  How badly my words cut.  He did not go easy on me in that respect.

He made me promise that I would not attempt to make it up to him.  He wanted me to understand that he would never throw this at me as a reason I had to comply or serve or to do something I didn't want to do just to "make this right".  

He is a good Man.

Where do you go when you break that trust?
How do you heal from feeling so let down?

This is a scary road.  One we have decided and promised to navigate together, but very scary, none the less.  


Saturday, November 21, 2015

**Let it snow**

As I lead up to my 2 year blog-iversary post, I am feeling nostalgic and reflective.  Re-reading my old posts has been amazing!  I can't even believe that I had completely forgotten about some.  This snow filled day is the perfect time to cozy down and find some of my favorites!  Happy Saturday to all!


Wednesday, November 18, 2015

Domestic life *with an unexpected update

As my Man finds his Dom footing he is spending this dreary rainy day in the garage- crafting a paddle. Our first paddle. And I am little Suzie homemaker. Cleaning house.  Domestic life.

He has made an Etsy purchase.  A ring fit for for a sub. His sub.  He has been tracking it's delivery like it's the last bottle of water left on Earth.  It's actually rather cute.

He is finding His footing.  Neither of us is perfect- this is real life. Real emotions. Real trust.

My part in this?

To remember that He is working out how HE wants to lead.

To remember that my service is WITHOUT condition.

To serve without spite, timetable, or reservation.

To build Him up through ALL the trial and errors.

UPDATE:
I didn't have this post written and published longer than an hour when my Man came into the house.

Go into the room.

His intense eyes reflecting so much strength.  I comply.  Although I cannot see the paddle in his hand, I am certain he brought it in with him.  I stand to the side with my eyes down.

Stand here and bend over the bed.

I walk over to the end of our bed and lean over. The log frame is perfect bend over height, something we both noticed as soon as we put the bed in.  I lower my torso flat and lay my head on my hands.  Waiting. Pants up (thank God).

The warning rub of the paddle is very short lived.  My right cheek is introduced to the wollop of the paddle first.  Holy good God this paddle covered a lot of ass in one strike! Right then left. Up higher then to the sit spots. Over and over. He is very eager and my ass is on fire! I break out in a bit of a sweat.

It feels like fire/deep/stinging/intense/remorseful/relief.

Then it stops.

I wait for a short time then get up to see where he went.  He is right back in the room as I lean up and I see his beautiful paddle. It is actually beautiful.  I mention how shocked I am that he finished so quickly.  He mentions that it needs to be stained and then puts his hand on my back and pushes me back flat to the bed.

Back down again.

This time my pants and underwear are pulled down.  I am curious how red my ass looks. I am curious how that makes him feel.  He starts again, left and right, higher and lower.  These swats start out strong then lesson a bit.  He even paddles down my thighs a bit.  My ass is thankful for some lighter swats but already misses the breathtaking full swings he gives.  At some point he talks out loud,

Two hands? SWAT¡!  
Or, one hand?  SWAT!¡

I have no idea if this was a question to me or not but it very much felt like he was thinking out loud as he test drove his handy work on my behind.

The paddling stops once more and he lays the paddle across my bare exposed lower back/hips.  And, he is gone again. I have no idea of the expectations or plan. I just know not to move and not to let that paddle fall to the floor.  I lay panting bent over the end of the bed.  Waiting.

He returns again and the paddle is lifted from it's perch.  He swats at my pussy, urging me to spread my legs.  I comply.  Small swats end as he places the paddle wedged between my thighs so the flat paddle end is horizontal to the ground.  Again, I don't know the expectation or the plan but I know not to let it fall.

His fingers dive deep into me and I instantly count off my orgasms.

One!         Two..!!!

Over and over.

I am a panting shaking mess and I am nervously aware that I may be dripping onto his new paddle.  He takes several more out of me as he adds more fingers, going deeper and harder.

His fingers stop and the paddle is taken from my legs.  I am floating as he pulls me up a bit.  I turn to him and he is rubbing my wetness all over one side of the paddle blade.

You stained this side.  I'll stain the other.

Side note....Again, how do I ever wonder if he is IN this with me!?!?

He then lays back on the bed, pulls his pants off of his straining cock and places the paddle on his chest.

Come on. 
An invite and expectation I know well.

I bend over the side of our bed to take him in my mouth.  Holy shit he is hard.  I devour him as best as my foggy head will let me, then I am overcome.  A wave runs through me as a muffled yell attempts to escape my mouth.  I cum.  He follows along shortly after.

As I stand up, cum waiting in my mouth (I now only swallow after he gives me permission to), he puts the wet side of the paddle to my mouth and gives me a look.  Fully aware of what he wants this time, I spit out his cum onto the paddle.

Rub it in.

I comply.  I rub HIS cum over my cum stain.

He talks about putting it away to dry to get ready for actual wood stain.  I think I mumble an incoherent,

mmmmmhmmmmmm

I can already see this paddle bringing in the discipline we have talked about.  My ass hasn't been this sore in a LONG time and my head hasn't been this clear either. There is harmony in our home.

Sunday, November 15, 2015

Pearl, of little wisdom.

I had no intention of following up my A little Pearl of wisdom... post with an even more ironic follow up... But I am nothing if not fair and honest.

Sometimes life is not as black and white as we may think it is.  Lines blur and colors change.  And sometimes, we can no longer focus past what we are certain is right there.  And SOMETIMES, we are even wrong.

Ouch.

My blogger friend, and Heron's nyghtbird, little girl, blogged a while ago about a frustration that increased as Heron reminded her that this was not about her. She stewed and thought about it throughout her work day and she finally stopped stewing and started thinking.  I remembered reading little girl's explanation of how she really came to understand that she had been so focused on how she felt that she was not able to see where she was in the wrong. (I hope I am not butchering the true flow of that post my friend!).

The truth is, as many of you know, there is this little fucker that I deal with (maybe most of us deal with some form of this?). Self doubt, insecurity, overwhelmed perfectionist, call it what you like- to me it's the little fucker.  Her only purpose is to distract me from the true problem at hand and instead- linger on the path of perceived least resistance.

My service and intent were not very loving and after a few incidents too many of my spiteful serving He called me out. Even worse, He called himself out.

How did I not feel victory when He said that He was struggling?  I was certainly behaving as though it was me against Him.

Wasn't this a win for me?

For U/us, I actually can honestly say it was.  We needed to be heard, to talk, and we did just that.  We needed to apologize, and connect.  I needed to know that my Man was not oblivious nor indifferent and He needed to know that that I understood that my submission was conditional and rather shitty the past few days.

I honestly don't know why I get such tunnel vision sometimes.

As soon as He started talking I just felt like such a jerk.  Very selfish and completely unsupportive.  He called me out.  No clothes in bed is not just for easy access.  I crave the skin to skin contact with him. No clothes in bed is FOR me.  And, as I begrudgingly removed my clothes the past few nights I did so without moving close into him the way I love, the way I NEED.

Not all of my rules are for MY benefit. 

Again, ouch.  I needed a strong reminder that this is NOT all about me.  Yes, I am important, the most important thing to my Man if fact.  But, I made a promise as well. I promised to make HIM the most important and to put HIM first.  Purposefully and without condition. And, I certainly need to be His strongest supporter.

Friday, November 13, 2015

Loving my lurkers!!



Yes, I do love my lurkers!!

I blog for me, but seeing YOU helps me to keep on coming back for more!  It helps me know that someone understands and someone is here to read, learn, teach, comfort, share, and COMMENT.

 TODAY IS THE DAY!!

As you have read, we are a very accepting group. Something for every taste.

Maybe you want to blog and just need that nudge?

Maybe you have a question, one you just can't seem to feel comfortable asking anyone in your in personal life?

Maybe you have been lurking in my page for a while now and want to know how I made my pretty pink flogger?

You are already here!!! For goodness sakes- say "Hello" this time =]

I will be saying my "Hello" today and tomorrow on the blogs I lurk on- YOU can too!!

***18 views and 3 "Hello's"!!  Keep it coming =)

I also want to give a special LOL Hello to my fellow blogging lurkers!!!  How easily I forget that we are a big bunch of lurkers as well!!

Wednesday, November 11, 2015

DIY

Nothing says "Shits gettin' real" like picking out your own oak board for your Man to make a paddle!

He made me carry it.

And, when the gentleman who makes the cuts said, "you only want two feet?" I was VERY much expecting him to ask what my Man would be making.

He didn't.

When I asked my Man what he would have answered, he said he planned on telling him....and watching his face go red.

I say I cannot be embarrassed, I was wrong!  MY face would have certainly turned red!

Wednesday, November 4, 2015

A little Pearl of wisdom...

I remember a lesbian discussing the difference between actually wanting to be with a woman and just playing along with someone.  She said, when you think of you and the woman are you doing things TO her or is she just doing things to you? Meaning- could it be just anyone between your legs or does it turn you on to lick her, hold her, make her cum?

This made sense to me. Do you really desire a woman and all the things you can do to her, with her, and for her? Or, are you just playing along to get yourself off?

I have been thinking that the same could apply to a Dom/sub pairing.  If your partner is a sub and you love the way s/he serves you, love the constant blow jobs (or pussy worshiping), love the chores being completed, love the "yes, Sir/Mistress" respect, but do not take the reigns of leading your sub, do not take the reigns of disciplining your sub, do not take the reigns of pushing your sub's limits to help her/him reach the potential that you see in her/him are you really interested in being the Dominant or are you just playing along to get yourself off?

Tuesday, November 3, 2015

The swing of things.

Finally finishing my projects I text my Man, who is just downstairs, that I'm ready to eat. I roll my eyes as I wait for him to offer me "something to eat".

He doesn't.
He says he will come up.

And, I continue to wait.

I text him again and ask him to bring something up for me when he comes up (partially as a reminder that I'm still waiting).
He says he will come up.

And, I continue to wait.

Finally I go downstairs to him. He is in his recliner, feet up, no intention of leaving any time soon.  I ask if he's ready. He says yes and gets up. Comes over to me and plants soft kisses and bites on my lips and my neck.  Hands wander. And, I am softened.

With my shirt and bra removed I am led to the post. Face to the wood, he is rubbing, touching, and undoing my pants.

My mind wanders to a mental snap shot of what is in the basement.  Cords, plastic hangers, I think the drum stick is still down here somewhere, our play box is down here....

I don't remember if I felt his hand or the hanger first but he settled in on the hanger for quite a while.

Then the flogger came out.

Each sensation blended into the next.

He reminds me that He knows what I need. Yes.  Yes He does.

I.
Need.
This.


I. Need.

HIM.