Saturday, September 26, 2015

Out of the ashes....

For those of my reader friends who have sent messages of love and support, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. This past two months has been like no other (and my Man and I have been through some shitty shit). Just over a week ago I started a new medication.

**this is not medical advice this is my personal blog for my personal journaling- if you are experiencing depression and/or anxiety you need to see your doctor**

What I can say is that taking Wellbutrin has given me back my life, my happiness, and I no longer feel like I am drowning.  From the first dose, I felt like I could breath again.  We were getting ready for a mini vacation and where I would normally have lost my shit...

I felt...

Fine.

I cried. I had no idea this calm feeling existed. I had no idea that I could be over 2 hours behind in my packing and prep and have it not ruin my mood and the first day of our trip.  How I waited so long in misery I will never know but I am thankful that I finally asked for help.

It isn't easy to be the one in need. I hit a point where I could no longer handle the darkness.  I cried every night. Obsessively played solitaire (how ironic) until my eyes could no longer stay open just to fall asleep.  I slept with clothes on, afraid I may be noticed and touched by a Man who deserved to have his wife back long ago.  That sweet, patient, Man who has seen every corner of my soul (and still wants more!?).

I am blogging (as best as I can handle) through it all.  I can't only journal the light- I have to get out the dark.  I have to get out of the dark.  I have truthfully not cared if I lost every reader who was used to loving my sexy life blogging.  The readers that remain, are those who see "me".

If you are looking for Pearl and her Man, we are still here...

Pearl and my Man.  We are real.  And this past two months has been some of the darkest we have ever seen.  We will fight, like we have more times than is fair in one lifetime.  How can we not?

15 comments:

  1. It is hard to find a light when it's that dark... Thank you for writing about what you could manage, for keeping it real. I really do appreciate that kind of blogging.

    I'm so happy to read that you are feeling better!

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    1. Misty- from the bottom of my heart- thank you. You have blogged through some dark days as well and i too am appreciative of the real-ness you show. Thank you.

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  2. Have been trying to catch up, not been around much.

    To echo Misty, it's welcoming to read more than just the kink etc, keeping it real, depression is something I have struggled with, I really didn't want to go down the medication route, but I did and have not looked back, it was the right thing for me.

    Wishing you the best

    x

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    1. Tori- it was a huge wall for me. I never wanted to be on meds. But- never in a million years did I think that day one would offer me such relief! I expected a good few weeks of side effects...then relief (hopefully). Again, I never knew "this" feeling existed. I can handle all that I have on my plate now with less panic and fear. And, I can sleep. That alone is worth it! Thank you for your words tori- thank you.

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  3. There is absolutely nothing wrong with needing or asking for help. So glad it is working for you. Hugs xx

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    1. lg- I am thankful it is helping too! I wanted to sing it from the rooftops =). You never notice how hard it was to breath until you are no longer being smothered. Does that make any sense!?

      Now, the needed time to process all that has occurred with a more clear mind.

      lg- thank you for your friendship even when I could not offer much back. I am forever greatful for the friendship behind each comment. Thank you.

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  4. Oh, honey.

    I am so glad you're coming out of the dark and that you asked for help. That dark place is not good for any of us.

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    1. I had no idea how low I could sink Conina. It was so unexpected that I just crumbled- there was no way to stop it. I am so fearful of that feeling again- I would eat dog shit if that would guarantee never going back there again. Thankfully, I just have a little pill and some counciling to help keep the darkness away. Thank you for stopping in and sending me such supportive words- it means the world to me. Thank you.

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    2. "I am so fearful of that feeling again- I would eat dog shit if that would guarantee never going back there again."

      ME TOO!!!!

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  5. Pearl, I'm so happy for you. I completely understand. It's so important to treat depression and take it seriously. Take care of yourself. Hugs. K

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    1. K- I am working so hard at taking care if myself. Took a short leave from my work, started counciling, taking walks, meditation, medication =), thank you so much for your kind words if support- never did I expect to be where I am- but I am doing good right now. Thank you.

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  6. Thank you so much for sharing this with us Pearl, the friendships and connections we make here in blogland run far deeper than the kink.

    I'm so glad you were able to ask for help and that you are now finding your way out of the darkness. I hope you will keep sharing what you feel able to share.

    Huge ((hugs))
    Roz

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    1. Roz- I agree fully. The kink is what a Google search finds. The day to day, the joys and pains, connect us more than I expected. Your friendship and consistent support is such a blessing to me. Thank you Roz for always seeing "me".

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  7. It is so very hard to reach for that light, when you are surrounded by darkness. I am so happy you were able to.....We are here to listen...to read...to support.
    hugs abby

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    1. Thank you abby- this has been some of the most difficult times we have had and I am so thankful to finally be seeing the light.

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