It's that kind of blogging day. Early morning, cool breeze and bright sun as I sit on our back deck with a hot cup of coffee and wear one of my Man's sweatshirts. This is how/where I do my best "thinking" this is where it all comes pouring out. Many of these posts never actually post, but they are released out of me none the less.
I am sorry. I am sorry that I cannot change my thoughts and my sadness. I am sorry that this is out of O/our control. It's difficult to live a life with no regrets yet feel so damn regretful for every day that passes where I cannot find the courage to speak, to be held, or to even feel lovable. I am sorry that I am not stronger. I am sorry that I accused you of leaving me alone. I am not alone.
I am sorry that I implode. YOU must be so lonely without me. What is it like for you to have your home draped in sadness and emptiness? Do you even feel loved?
"What Dreams May Come" if there was ever a movie.....
Thank you for every kindness. Thank you for our children.
For the first time I saw them. Thank you for being someone I was always proud to be with. For your guts, for your sweetness. For how you always looked, for how I always wanted to touch you. God, you were my life. I apologize for every time I ever failed you. Especially this one...
You have gone to hell and back to find me, as I have done for you. The inappropriate "I'm sorry" still floods my heart. How much more can we endure? Is there ever a limit? Even in the dark there is still hope. There is no limit to what I will endure WITH you, FOR you. You are the air I breath.
Thank you for crying with me. Words that needed to be said. Tears that needed to be cried. Thank you. Thank you for looking for me. I just realized that when I was 16 you literally looked for me- thank you. You have guarded my heart for decades. I am so very thankful for that. For you.
You could not imagine how light I feel today. Our bodies need each other, you are right. As always. I needed to be held. To be found. I love you.