Tuesday, September 29, 2015

Could have been SO much worse!

Our oldest is helping to clear out our bedroom, as it finally our turn to make a new space just for us.  This lovely, amazing, and helpful child of ours walks (maybe stomps) over to where I am working on the computer, tosses (maybe flings with disgust) something to me and says (maybe hisses)...

"So I guess THIS is yours."

I look at what she has found.......





A very empty bottle of personal lubricant squeezed up like a tube of toothpaste (What!? We don't like to waste!).  

I do my absolute best stone faced uninterested response.....

"Oh, thanks babe."

And, as I think of all the things this sweet child-o-mine could have found.  GOOD GOD it could have been infinitely worse!!

Saturday, September 26, 2015

Out of the ashes....

For those of my reader friends who have sent messages of love and support, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. This past two months has been like no other (and my Man and I have been through some shitty shit). Just over a week ago I started a new medication.

**this is not medical advice this is my personal blog for my personal journaling- if you are experiencing depression and/or anxiety you need to see your doctor**

What I can say is that taking Wellbutrin has given me back my life, my happiness, and I no longer feel like I am drowning.  From the first dose, I felt like I could breath again.  We were getting ready for a mini vacation and where I would normally have lost my shit...

I felt...

Fine.

I cried. I had no idea this calm feeling existed. I had no idea that I could be over 2 hours behind in my packing and prep and have it not ruin my mood and the first day of our trip.  How I waited so long in misery I will never know but I am thankful that I finally asked for help.

It isn't easy to be the one in need. I hit a point where I could no longer handle the darkness.  I cried every night. Obsessively played solitaire (how ironic) until my eyes could no longer stay open just to fall asleep.  I slept with clothes on, afraid I may be noticed and touched by a Man who deserved to have his wife back long ago.  That sweet, patient, Man who has seen every corner of my soul (and still wants more!?).

I am blogging (as best as I can handle) through it all.  I can't only journal the light- I have to get out the dark.  I have to get out of the dark.  I have truthfully not cared if I lost every reader who was used to loving my sexy life blogging.  The readers that remain, are those who see "me".

If you are looking for Pearl and her Man, we are still here...

Pearl and my Man.  We are real.  And this past two months has been some of the darkest we have ever seen.  We will fight, like we have more times than is fair in one lifetime.  How can we not?

Tuesday, September 15, 2015

Journal to you my sweet and patient Man.

It's that kind of blogging day.  Early morning, cool breeze and bright sun as I sit on our back deck with a hot cup of coffee and wear one of my Man's sweatshirts.  This is how/where I do my best "thinking" this is where it all comes pouring out.  Many of these posts never actually post, but they are released out of me none the less.

I am sorry.  I am sorry that I cannot change my thoughts and my sadness.  I am sorry that this is out of O/our control.  It's difficult to live a life with no regrets yet feel so damn regretful for every day that passes where I cannot find the courage to speak, to be held, or to even feel lovable.  I am sorry that I am not stronger.  I am sorry that I accused you of leaving me alone.  I am not alone.

I am sorry that I implode.  YOU must be so lonely without me.  What is it like for you to have your home draped in sadness and emptiness?  Do you even feel loved?

"What Dreams May Come" if there was ever a movie.....

                         Thank you for every kindness. Thank you for our children.
                         For the first time I saw them. Thank you for being someone                                                                    I was always proud to be with. For your guts, for your sweetness.                                                          For how you always looked, for how I always wanted to touch you.                                                        God, you were my life. I apologize for every time I ever failed you.                                                        Especially this one...

You have gone to hell and back to find me, as I have done for you.  The inappropriate "I'm sorry" still floods my heart.  How much more can we endure?  Is there ever a limit?  Even in the dark there is still hope.  There is no limit to what I will endure WITH you, FOR you.  You are the air I breath.

Thank you for crying with me.  Words that needed to be said.  Tears that needed to be cried.  Thank you.  Thank you for looking for me.  I just realized that when I was 16 you literally looked for me- thank you.  You have guarded my heart for decades.  I am so very thankful for that.  For you.

You could not imagine how light I feel today.  Our bodies need each other, you are right.  As always. I needed to be held.  To be found.  I love you.