Monday, August 24, 2015

Time

Time changes things. It changes our preceptions, changes our reactions, changes our tolerance, and our boundaries.  Sometimes we are in need of these changes, waiting for the relief and clarity they will bring.  Sometimes, these changes sneak in when we aren't looking.  

Who I was yesterday is just a version of who I now am today.  Yes, time has changed me.  In ways I never imagined.  But also in ways I had always hoped.  I need to be okay with never being who I once was again. That is the trick.  

My nature is not to be submissive, it is to attack with every ounce of my being.  

Time.  

Time had softened my sharp edges.  Replaced the rigid confinements that held me coloring inside the lines and released me to really "feel".   Time also unexpectedly created new lines and edges, waiting in the shadows to bring me to a grinding hault as I drifted.  

When facing a freefall, I grasped for my well packed old parachute.  MY parachute. To save me from MY freefall.  I can do this. Alone.

Time.

I am not who I was yesterday.  I see differently today.  I see that my claws are out and that I am fighting with every ounce of my being.  Alone.

It is my default.  I recognize this old me. She is the one who created all that I have become.  I regret nothing.  But, I am okay with never being that version of me again.  

Yet.  Here I am.  Deciding to fight.  Alone.

I have forgotten something truly lovely about my life.  I'm not actually alone.  

Time.

Time allowed me to drop my guard.  Time tricked me into believing that I no longer had a default mechanism equivalent to a self destruct button.  When I wasn't looking- I became my own worst enemy.  

It is now time.  Time to allow the edges to be softened.  Time to put away MY parachute and time to remember that not only am I NOT alone- I never was.  


15 comments:

  1. No my darling ... you are NOT alone!

    XOXOXOXO
    Hugs

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    1. Thank you SHIP- that's a difficult one to remember sometimes.

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  2. Beautiful introspective post. Sending hugs...SHIP is right! You aren't alone. I am always an email away if you need anything at all.

    xo

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  3. This was poignantly beautiful.

    Alone does not have to mean lonely.

    x

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    1. Tori- thank you. Your comment matters more than I can say. XOXO

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  4. What a beautiful heartfelt post. You are not alone.

    ((Hugs))
    Roz

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    1. I am in the middle of trying to remember that- today was a good day. Had a cleansing cry all over my Man's shirt. I am not alone- thank you Roz.

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  5. Oh Pearl, such a beautiful post - and like the others have said, you are not alone. Sending hugs. K

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    1. Thank you K. Your comments and ((hugs)) matter a great deal. Thank you.

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  6. Its been a while since this has happened to me, it used to be all the time, but got less and less over time.

    Hugs, Julia

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    1. This just fully snuck in- very unexpectedly. I think the recent stressors just put me over the edge, I couldn't help myself and I just don't know how to ask. I'm still trying (not much success but still trying). My Man and I are solid- I just can't help but feel like a led weight over him when I am this emotionally overwhelmed. Thanks for peaking in on me Julia- it means a lot.

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  7. beautifully thought post. thank-you for sharing. you are not alone.

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    1. Thank you terps- I am working hard to remember that.

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    2. Thank you terps- I am working hard to remember that.

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