I was emailing a blogger friend and as I re-read my email I couldn't help but feel sad. My exact words to her were that as I scanned my blog roll I realized that I don't belong here right now. Why is it that problems in vanilla life seem like too much to share?!
My mom died last week. Unexpectedly and it's been just plain horrible. My mom was a complicated woman- always proud on the outside of my accomplishments but boiled with envy on the inside. Sometimes that boiled over on to me and out came the shitty comments. One of her most recent, and most hurtful digs, was in regards to my work. To me, she was also unknowingly attacking our lifestyle. She said to my Man that it must be nice to have an independently wealthy wife. Now my Man and I do joke that I'm his "sugar-mama" but this was not a joking comment. It truly hit me where it hurts.
Why on earth should that comment hurt?
Why would I perseverate on where my mom and I differed?
Why could my mom not see that working full time herself, raising a very large family, AND keeping her role as "wife" at the top of her list would be the best example she could have set for us all?
I can choose to see the conflict- there is always some to be found. Or, I can choose to be joyous. I can choose to hide in my cave or I can keep my heart open and trust that, even in the darkness, my
Man knows the way.
I am blessed. In so many ways. To look into the specifics of my life, maybe some would disagree. Each event brought me to today. Yes, there is sadness, but how can I not feel blessed? How can I not look back and know that if any of those heartbreaking events had changed, W/we may not have been? How can I not look forward with joy?! My days will be full of ups and downs, but at the end of each day, how can I not choose joy?