Tuesday, August 4, 2015

Clouding up the waters....

I was emailing a blogger friend and as I re-read my email I couldn't help but feel sad.  My exact words to her were that as I scanned my blog roll I realized that I don't belong here right now.  Why is it that problems in vanilla life seem like too much to share?!

My mom died last week.  Unexpectedly and it's been just plain horrible.  My mom was a complicated woman- always proud on the outside of my accomplishments but boiled with envy on the inside.  Sometimes that boiled over on to me and out came the shitty comments.  One of her most recent, and most hurtful digs, was in regards to my work.  To me, she was also unknowingly attacking our lifestyle.  She said to my Man that it must be nice to have an independently wealthy wife.   Now my Man and I do joke that I'm his "sugar-mama" but this was not a joking comment.  It truly hit me where it hurts.

Why?

Why on earth should that comment hurt?

Why would I perseverate on where my mom and I differed?

Why could my mom not see that working full time herself, raising a very large family, AND keeping her role as "wife" at the top of her list would be the best example she could have set for us all?

I can choose to see the conflict- there is always some to be found.  Or, I can choose to be joyous.  I can choose to hide in my cave or I can keep my heart open and trust that, even in the darkness, my
Man knows the way.

I am blessed.  In so many ways.  To look into the specifics of my life, maybe some would disagree.  Each event brought me to today.  Yes, there is sadness, but how can I not feel blessed?  How can I not look back and know that if any of those heartbreaking events had changed, W/we may not have been?  How can I not look forward with joy?!  My days will be full of ups and downs, but at the end of each day, how can I not choose joy?

12 comments:

  1. Oh, Pearl! I'm so very, very sorry!

    Comments like that, coming from people we love, always hurt. It's okay to be mad, you know, even though she's gone. I think it's just part of it.

    I think the heartbreak in our lives makes the joy even more special...

    I really wish I had more words for you!

    HUG

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  2. I'm so very sorry Pearl. Thinking of you and sending huge (((Hugs))
    Roz

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  3. I am so very sorry to hear about your mom. I have been there recently.
    hugs abby

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    1. Abby, I am so sorry to hear that. It's still floating somewhere just out of reality for me. It's a lot to wrap my head around for some reason. I wish you happy memories and lots of love and support. Thanks for being here.

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  4. I read this yesterday and just couldn't quite find the words. I am so sorry for your loss first of all.

    Honestly, your post really affected me, particularly at the moment. My mom and I had a big blow up just a few days ago. She is envious and has even said as much. She says I have the life with my family and husband that she wishes she had. We all make choices in life and she made hers.

    Anyways, there is a whole lot more to it but you have enough to deal with at the moment.

    I couldn't agree with you more...celebrate the good....choose joy and be thankful for all you have. Life is short!

    Love and hugs xo

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    1. Lg, it's taken me some time to reply (to everyone) but specifically to your comment. I have so much I want to say and yet I can't find any words lately. I walk around silent. I am so sorry to hear that you have similar difficulties with your mom. Again, so much to say and yet I can't for the life of me get out the words.

      I will send along an email soon. Thank you so much for your comment- it truly means a great deal to me.

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  5. I am sorry for your loss Pearl, not really sure what to say either, except let your man guide you and comfort you.

    Hugs! Julia

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    1. Thank you Julia- I am trying so hard to stay "with him" and follow his lead but I'm afraid it isn't very easy for me this time. It's actually pretty heartbreaking how secluded I take myself. It feels like I am in a maze and I just cannot find my way out. I want to be out and I'm sure it seems that I am choosing to be distant but I am not choosing this- I just don't know how to find my way out. It's a work in progress.....we'll get there.

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  6. oh, honey, I'm sorry. About your mom and about the lingering hurt she left in her wake.

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    1. Thank you Conina- this has been difficult in ways so unexpected. Your message is so very appreciated. XOXO

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