Time changes things. It changes our preceptions, changes our reactions, changes our tolerance, and our boundaries. Sometimes we are in need of these changes, waiting for the relief and clarity they will bring. Sometimes, these changes sneak in when we aren't looking.
Who I was yesterday is just a version of who I now am today. Yes, time has changed me. In ways I never imagined. But also in ways I had always hoped. I need to be okay with never being who I once was again. That is the trick.
My nature is not to be submissive, it is to attack with every ounce of my being.
Time had softened my sharp edges. Replaced the rigid confinements that held me coloring inside the lines and released me to really "feel". Time also unexpectedly created new lines and edges, waiting in the shadows to bring me to a grinding hault as I drifted.
When facing a freefall, I grasped for my well packed old parachute. MY parachute. To save me from MY freefall. I can do this. Alone.
I am not who I was yesterday. I see differently today. I see that my claws are out and that I am fighting with every ounce of my being. Alone.
It is my default. I recognize this old me. She is the one who created all that I have become. I regret nothing. But, I am okay with never being that version of me again.
Yet. Here I am. Deciding to fight. Alone.
I have forgotten something truly lovely about my life. I'm not actually alone.
Time allowed me to drop my guard. Time tricked me into believing that I no longer had a default mechanism equivalent to a self destruct button. When I wasn't looking- I became my own worst enemy.
It is now time. Time to allow the edges to be softened. Time to put away MY parachute and time to remember that not only am I NOT alone- I never was.
I was emailing a blogger friend and as I re-read my email I couldn't help but feel sad. My exact words to her were that as I scanned my blog roll I realized that I don't belong here right now. Why is it that problems in vanilla life seem like too much to share?!
My mom died last week. Unexpectedly and it's been just plain horrible. My mom was a complicated woman- always proud on the outside of my accomplishments but boiled with envy on the inside. Sometimes that boiled over on to me and out came the shitty comments. One of her most recent, and most hurtful digs, was in regards to my work. To me, she was also unknowingly attacking our lifestyle. She said to my Man that it must be nice to have an independently wealthy wife. Now my Man and I do joke that I'm his "sugar-mama" but this was not a joking comment. It truly hit me where it hurts.
Why on earth should that comment hurt?
Why would I perseverate on where my mom and I differed?
Why could my mom not see that working full time herself, raising a very large family, AND keeping her role as "wife" at the top of her list would be the best example she could have set for us all?
I can choose to see the conflict- there is always some to be found. Or, I can choose to be joyous. I can choose to hide in my cave or I can keep my heart open and trust that, even in the darkness, my
Man knows the way.
I am blessed. In so many ways. To look into the specifics of my life, maybe some would disagree. Each event brought me to today. Yes, there is sadness, but how can I not feel blessed? How can I not look back and know that if any of those heartbreaking events had changed, W/we may not have been? How can I not look forward with joy?! My days will be full of ups and downs, but at the end of each day, how can I not choose joy?