Friday, March 13, 2015

Little Fucker

I am regaining my life.  Settling back into U/us, Him, and me.  Goals achieved, all because of His love, support, guidance, faithfulness and patience.

I am in his bed.
Bed is fluffed.
I am showered.
Towel is folded next to me.
I am naked.
In the true D/s sense of the word.

I
am
Naked.

You brought your towel?  Are you hoping something happens tonight?

Old worries set in.  (aka: Little Fucker)
Am I too bold?  Does He not want this?  Does this put him on the spot?

I remind those old worries (Little Fucker) that He and I made a commitment.  W/we no longer question if this is for us.  This IS U/us.  No disconnect, just life.

I don't hope it does or doesn't.  You like me to bring a towel to bed and I brought my towel to bed.
This was not said sassy or rude, just matter of fact and honest.  I am releasing my control.

Oh, we're doing that again?

Any of you who have had that Little Fucker in the back of your mind reminding you that you are NOT a slave/sub worthy of ownership will understand what I mean when I say that the Little Fucker ran down and kicked me in the stomach in that very moment.

I wanted to
throw up,
cry,
get my clothes on,
and disappear.

I wrestle with that Little Fucker, not very often, but she never fully leaves me alone.  I know her.  I know her quirks.  I know that she grows stronger with little encouragement if I let her.

But, here is the thing, she grows when I  LET  HER.  She grows when I take the reigns, when I take control, when I see an opportunity to prove her right.  She grows when I sink inside, feed her, and LET HER grow.  I used to think that she kept me safe. I thought she was my parachute.

Not tonight.

She is a Little Fucker.

I owe her nothing.

My commitment is to my Man.  W/we made a commitment to each other.

It makes no difference if his comments were a test, the truth, or a playful little jab at my recent "absence".  The Little Fucker saw a weakness and pounced.  I owe her NOTHING.

If He struggles to guide me, my submission serves to remind Him.
If He tests my limits and commitment, my submission serves to make Him proud.
If He throws a playful jab my way, my submission affirms that I do NOT question O/our commitment.

I serve Him.

I do NOT serve the Little Fucker.

I cannot make her go away but I can sure as hell can decide to surrender to my Man.  To serve Him and all that W/we have committed to each other.  When I do that, there is no time left to feed the Little Fucker.

Every single time I deny the Little Fucker she atrophies.  I will not feed her.  I will not go inside and play.  She is no parachute.  She is a brick.  She drags me down to a place where I cannot breath.  She makes me doubt that I am His perfect answer.  She stands in the way of me being His perfect answer.  SHE IS A LITTLE FUCKER.

There is freedom in being owned.  I owe her NOTHING.  And, I certainly have no permission to give her any of me.

10 comments:

  1. What a great post!! I absolutely love your analogies.

    xx

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    1. Thank you lg, this one felt great to write.

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  2. what a wonderful post, it resonated so much with me. Thank you

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    1. little,
      I very much know how it feels to read a post that just speaks to you. You have no idea how much it means to me that this post spoke to you. It really needed to come out and I am thankful it was helpful to you too.
      XOXO Pearl

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  3. oooh I related to this SO MUCH!

    'Oh, we're doing that again?'

    ouch, I winced just reading that!

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    1. Oh, mk...
      It hurt. I wanted to attack him, yell, shut down, be pissed. It was a moment of calm that thankfully spoke louder than the Little Fucker.

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  4. I love this Pearl, well said! I can definitely relate also.

    Hugs
    Roz

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    1. Not happy that you relate but selfishly happy that I'm not alone in that.

      Thanks Roz.

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  5. Those little things they say can so kick you right in the tenderest parts. Good on you for kicking back at the head voice.

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  6. Sometimes the Little Fucker makes something out of absolutely nothing. This time- it was like his comments were chipping away at me- not at all easy to let go of. Thank you for the comment on this one, it means a lot.

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