Thursday, January 22, 2015

It hurt my heart more than my bottom.

This post will be very disorganized, I have so many thoughts to get out and just no way I can think to organize them.  

With a round of maintenance spanking already having occurred, my bottom was toasty.  The position he put me in was one of surrender and submission, flat on my stomach, mouth covered leaning my head back, arms placed behind me at the small of my back.  I don't think he maps these times out at all, I think that in that moment he knew how to gain my complete attention and focus- and he did it.

When my Man leaned into my ear and announced that he wanted me to feel this tomorrow and that I would NOT be forgetting my dishes anymore, I felt a million emotions run through me.

The most unexpected emotion I felt was disappointment.

My only disappointment was in myself that my actions did not reflect the love and respect I have for my Man and that because of that, he went with a decision that he hadn't wanted to go with prior.  A decision that I requested, many times, but respectfully understood that HE alone would need to make.

He peppered my sit-spots over, and over, and over.  As hard as I imagined a punishment spanking should be.  At one point I moved my hands down to cover my ass and I was given fair warning to NOT try that again.  I didn't.  I tightened my ass, I could no longer relax into it.  But I didn't move, nothing in me would have moved away.  My heart and my body knew that this was needed, however long HE decided it should last and however many times the same spot would be spanked. 

Here's the thing, I crave spankings.  TRULY crave them.  I have asked if he would please incorporate punishment spankings to our dynamic for a long time now.  Not because I will brat my way into one, but because I know spankings focus me.  He decided on maintenance spankings and they have really helped me stay calm and focused.  This time he decided he needed to take it up a notch.

Not only did him deciding on a punishment spanking shock me.  I was shocked also (maybe more so) by my reaction.  I NOW understand all you bloggers who say that punishment spankings are different.  I was unexpectedly feeling not my normal post-spanking sense of calm and release but rather I felt remorseful. 

The pain of the spanking was not the difficult part, it was knowing that I have not been doing the few things he asks of me with any regularity.  He has not been my priority and there is no reason for that. 

No matter how busy my work may keep me, I need to remember that I do have a priority to my Husband.  I touched him lovingly, thanked him, and committed to him that I would work to keep our spankings for maintenance only.

Then came the calm and the release I am used to. 

He is an amazing Man.  He loving gave me what I needed.  My heart feels thankful that my Man doesn't run from me and all my crazy.  He opens his arms and takes me where I need to be. 

I love you babe, and I love every nook and cranny of your love for me.


  1. It sounds like you needed that punishment spanking to focus you. He gave you what you seemed to need.


    1. It very much worked in a way I hadn't expected!

  2. Hi Pearl, ah yes, punishment spankings are definitely different. The emotions surrounding them are totally different. The feeling of remorse. They are a good way to put issues behind us and refocus though. Sounds as though he gave you what you needed.


    1. It was everything and nothing I expected, if that makes any sense at all.

  3. such a mix of emotions in our kink!

    1. L, you are so right! The lows can be frustrating, but overall, I have never felt more content and alive than when we moved into this dynamic.
      Thanks for the comment!!

  4. Great post Pearl and I must say, I believe that when we start to truly feel these feelings of remorse from disappointing our Dominants, it is a natural indicator that the efforts we put into our relationships is real and is working. Disappointment from my Mistress is the worst part of being punished. Yes, way more than the sting of her paddle.

    Great post. Thank you!

    1. I like how you put that "...natural indicator that the efforts we put into our relationships is real and is working."

      At the time I was so stuck in the fact that my (mis)behavior lead him to a direction he had NOT intended to take on. I felt so needy and disappointed in myself I was almost in tears.

      Your take helps me put less focus on me and more focus on U/us. He choose the direction and it worked!

      As always, thank you!