Monday, December 28, 2015

Following directions

Short, clear, and to the point.

Stand in front of me.

Clothes off.

Fold them... You aren't a slob.

Get your red outfit on. (A matching red lace bra and panty set He bought for me)

Go get the paddle.

On the bed, belly down.

He starts with mild taps.  I still jump at the first swat.  I am not in trouble, I have earned no punishments.

He just likes His new paddle.
A
Lot

Ass up.

Count.  LOUDER.

Some of the cracks from the paddle make me break into a sweat and take all the breath from me, others cause me to yell out, and some sink me into a puddle.

He is not wanting to hear my yelps of pain.

No more yelling.

If I hear "ouch" again, we're done.

THAT is your safe word today.  

Do you understand?

Yes, Sir.

He continues on with a variety of heavy paddling and easier to take lighter strikes.

Then he settles in on the same spot over again...

AAAHHH!

I yell out uncontrollably.

We're done.

Paddle away.

He then directes me...To get out my new gift.

I unlock our play drawer and pull out my new toy.

Get your towel and your lube.

Face down.

I comply.
As he begins to insert my new gift.

My anal hook.


Friday, December 25, 2015

HAPPY HOLIDAYS!!














My Man and I wish you a very Happy Holiday season! 
Thank you to all the amazing bloggers, readers, and friends who have been such a support throughout this entire year. Blog-land is such amazing place to be and I am so thankful to be part of it!!



Sunday, December 13, 2015

Anniversary gifts that just couldn't wait....


My ring.  The ring fit for a submissive.

HIS submissive
"HANS underdanig"written inside the corset ring

——————

His gift.  A metal stamped keychain.
The latitude & longitudinal coordinates of the place we were married.
And, a message, more of a title really....

HENNES BESKYTTER

As he is and always will be........
HER PROTECTOR





Thursday, December 10, 2015

Reflecting

I am feeling reflective.  Maybe it's the holidays or the year drawing to an end.

I see my MD tomorrow.  Checking on the old and figuring out the new.  This will be the first time I have seen him since he put me on Wellbutrin.  I know he will ask about my mom and about how I am doing.  I can't help but reflect back to the absolute pain and helplessness I was going through just a few short months ago.

I have had this image in my head.  One I must have seen in a movie before.  There is a person who is about to be executed right in front of his loved ones.  I see his face.  So much dialogue in the silent glance he offers his family.  He is pained.  There is a look of terror on his face that is an absolute heart-stopping pale faced terror.  He has no control over all that is taking him over and he knows that this darkness is taking him quickly.

His words attempt to reassure his loved ones, "it's ok".
But, his face.
He is pleading for mercy, pleading for help, pleading for his life.

I have seen this image.  And, it was me.

Absolute terror that the darkness was taking me quickly.  I reflect back to how I felt a few months ago and I see a woman pleading for help.  Pleading for mercy.  Pleading for her life.  I could not allow my loved ones to know just how far that terror took me, I would never have allowed them to feel that same helplessness and darkness but that didn't mean I didn't desperately want to be saved.  I never once thought of harming myself but I always feared that I would be taken so far away that I would never return.

That image is ingrained in my head.  I remember the fear peaking out a few times.  Crying out, begging for help, no longer able to bottle up the panic.  Very few times, I could no longer say, "it's ok" because I no longer knew what "ok" felt like.  Panic attacks should only last for moments.  This lasted MONTHS.

My face.
Would plead for
Relief.

I see that image.  Often.  And, I am so sad for that girl.  The isolation she felt even in a room full of love.  The pleading in her face.  Hoping someone might be able to save her.

I am so thankful that I journaled throughout.  Some posted, some kept private, but all poured out of my breaking soul.  I never buffered my thoughts when I wrote.  Looking back, I see how lucky I am to have had that little moment.  That one opportunity to run.  To get away from the attack and yell for help.  I had someone looking for me.  A few someone's in fact.  

Yes, I am feeling very
Reflective
Grateful
Humbled
Hopeful
Cathartic
Surrendered
Peaceful
And loved.




Sunday, December 6, 2015

A good girl spanking and a reminder of who owns you...

Punishment is still visibly fresh on my bottom.  Still a bit tender.
My intent to serve is focused, as is His intent to lead.
Yes Amy, I do believe we have a dance, my Man and I.

Relax 
He says as he strokes my bare bottom, spreading my bottom hole.

I might not want this right now but I need to know that you will take all of me when I do.

I relax as he explores.  He pokes and prods, testing my obedience to be a good fuck hole.

*As a side note, do you other subs get an actual high as you surrender to being objectified, explored, and pained for pleasure?!? I cannot imagine that I am the only one addicted to this!  I KNOW I'm not =) actually. Just kidding =)

You are still on punishment with clit orgasms but do you want me to make you cum tonight?

Yes, Sir.

Get my stick.

I am slightly confused. More punishments? I have been a good girl but I can always do better.  His punishments are warranted and never questioned.  Our stick has not been for play or maintenance lately.  He now decides on punishments and the past few times He has asked for His stick it is to reign in His distracted sub-wife.  I have a new inner peace that I go to when I start to question, worry, analyze.  And, as I grab His stick, I go to that surrendered place.  Punishment or pleasure.  His decision makes these two words slightly irrelevant.  My inner dialogue is unnecessary.  He will say the words I am to hear and my body will feel exactly what He wants it to feel.

He begins a tap-swat rhythm and covers my entire backside.  There are no words of correction, only directions of what position He is wanting me in and the order to tell Him if any strikes become too hard.  At some point He orders me face down on the bed and ass high in the air then pulls my arms up above my head and places my hands around one of the headboard logs. I notice the strain immediately of having my arms extended and placed over my pillow so I move my right arm under the pillow and back to the holding post.  My Man quickly removes my hand and positions my arm back above the pillow and back to holding in place.  This interaction between us is so calming.  I honestly cannot remember if a correction swat was given because in that moment there was nothing for me to overthink- the exchange occurred and I was simply given to Him.

After quite a few position changes and even more swats of all strengths He begins to pepper in some much stronger hits.
**sorry, another side note. He mentioned after my punishment spanking a few days ago that this (blind tilt cane-type) stick had become curved so badly during that spanking that he had to keep turning it to straighten it out and He did consider how fitting it would have been had He actually broken the stick on my ass.  These swats are strong but still nowhere near my punishment evening.

I am vaguely aware that my bruises are now getting bruises.  The reintroduced pain on those spots is equally relieving and deeply painful. He is pushing my endurance and I would stay there with Him until I collapsed if I had to.

He places the stick next to us on the bed....

You have been so good this week.  If you want more hard ones you are going to have to ask me.  
You can have them, you deserve them, but you have to ask me.

All the while He is scratching past my welts and marks with His fingernails, making me writhe.

Can I have another please? 
I squeak out.

Yes.
SMACK

I can feel this deep in my core as I recover by breathing.  He continues to torment my freshly beaten ass with His scratches until I ask for the next one.

Can I have another please?

Yes.
He even offers me a choice as He taps each of my bottom cheeks,
This one?
Or this one?

I choose the less hurty one.

My asking slows down, positions and activities change, events become blurred.  At some point I am directed to get the lube.  On all fours, I reach into my bedside cabinet, grab the lube and hand it to Him.  He places my towel under me as He coats my soft parts.  He hasn't fisted me in a while but I understand that this needs to happen.  This is the purest act of submission for me- before we became D/s this was my first act of submission to Him and the first time He took full control and decided my limit was much further.  He was right.

He coats me inside and out.  I am so tight.  He places fingers inside me, coaxing, stretching....

Relax.

I breath slowly and release any remaining control.  He proceeds further as I squeak little cries out.  No effort is behind my cries, my body is limp as I provide no resistance to where my Man is taking me.  My body reminds Him how long it has been and as He patiently opens me a little at a time.  He changes my position, looking to find less resistance.

How many times has my hand been inside you? 

I don't know baby, a lot.
I whimper out in surrendered pain.

Right. So you can take me. 

Yes, Sir.
Little sobs escape my mouth.

This is unexpectedly difficult for me, I am not physically allowing Him in easily and my tolerance is straining.  Long ago, I would beg for Him to talk to me at his point unsure of how to let go. We have found our balance now and our abilities to lead and follow have just melded together.

He continues to talk to me. Continues to push through my body's natural resistance. And, after what
seems like an eternity I am begging to cum.  He has brought me to a place of perfect servitude.  What I would have stopped long ago and said I could take no more, He not only wanted more but knew I had more to give to Him.  I am crying out numbers as I count each orgasm out for Him soaking the towel below me. He likes me to feel this.  He needs me to let go.  He likes to hear my cries as each layer of my body and soul is stretched to wrap around Him.  There is NOTHING quite like this surrender.







Wednesday, December 2, 2015

Moments

Via the blog, perception can be skewed.  We write of our moments. Our moments that shine (or leave bruises and floaty feelings).  Our moments of darkness (sadness, mistakes, anger).  If I wrote of the mundane, I would just go on Twitter. (To be total full disclosure here, I know nothing about Twitter, I just hear that people post ridiculous stuff i.e. "Walking the dog" or "hiccups.....again" and similar who cares updates.

O/our life is FULL of the who cares updates.  We clean up dog puke, chauffeur our kids, tell horrible jokes, hide the Christmas gifts......all of that fills the time between the shining and the darkness.  You all get my shining prettiness and my stupid little fucker darkness.

 These are my moments.  O/our moments.

Moments that I never want to forget.  Moments that W/we are not U/us without.  Moments that move me to tears, "for better or for worse".  I want them all.  W/we want them all.

I am no robot and he is no comic book hero.

But, I am the perfect answer to his question, every time.
And, he is in every loving moment I will ever experience.

I don't love my Man in silence.  I never have. Never will.  I just have a place to not be silent.
Thank you, my blog friends, for keeping me company in my little place here.

Monday, November 30, 2015

Mistakes and tears

My 2 year blog-aversary has come and gone, nothing planned worked nearly "as planned".


I journaled, not posted, some very raw emotions.  I do that often but this one was RAW.

He and I had talked but the disrespectful, unedited, raw fear and doubts were saved for my private writings.  I say my private writings because although my Man has full access to my blog (posted and unposted) he really doesn't come here.  Until last week.

In the quickest way I can muster up the courage to say, I awoke to doors slammed- his truck leaving the driveway-and the blog page pulled up on my IPad he layed next to me.

Fuck 
Fuck
Fuck

Neither of us has ever left in anger.  Ever.

I have never feared for my marriage. Ever.

He returned several hours (and several angry texts) later.  I cried for two straight days.  

Although he softened on me a bit the evening of, I couldn't bring myself to talk about this all until the second night.  I was terrified.  I knew my heart couldn't handle the verbal attack I deserved.  Yes, my writing was based on expressing my needs and fears but I absolutely attacked him like never before and I will make absolutely no excuses.  I wrote this shitty horrible entry that made my Man feel hated.  

I did that.  He can never un-read those words.  I made him feel beyond unloved.

What kind of asshole does that?!  

As this searing pit is burning in my belly still, I can tell you this.  He is a good Man. (I guess I'm not finished crying after all).  He never attacked me- as much as it would have been warranted.  He said he appreciated me not explaining this away or making excuses.  He said he understands that I wrote this on my blog (journal) where I go to get out my feelings- I went where I am safe to go- and that he couldn't be angry with that.  However, he made it painfully clear how hurt he feels.  How badly my words cut.  He did not go easy on me in that respect.

He made me promise that I would not attempt to make it up to him.  He wanted me to understand that he would never throw this at me as a reason I had to comply or serve or to do something I didn't want to do just to "make this right".  

He is a good Man.

Where do you go when you break that trust?
How do you heal from feeling so let down?

This is a scary road.  One we have decided and promised to navigate together, but very scary, none the less.  


Saturday, November 21, 2015

**Let it snow**

As I lead up to my 2 year blog-iversary post, I am feeling nostalgic and reflective.  Re-reading my old posts has been amazing!  I can't even believe that I had completely forgotten about some.  This snow filled day is the perfect time to cozy down and find some of my favorites!  Happy Saturday to all!


Wednesday, November 18, 2015

Domestic life *with an unexpected update

As my Man finds his Dom footing he is spending this dreary rainy day in the garage- crafting a paddle. Our first paddle. And I am little Suzie homemaker. Cleaning house.  Domestic life.

He has made an Etsy purchase.  A ring fit for for a sub. His sub.  He has been tracking it's delivery like it's the last bottle of water left on Earth.  It's actually rather cute.

He is finding His footing.  Neither of us is perfect- this is real life. Real emotions. Real trust.

My part in this?

To remember that He is working out how HE wants to lead.

To remember that my service is WITHOUT condition.

To serve without spite, timetable, or reservation.

To build Him up through ALL the trial and errors.

UPDATE:
I didn't have this post written and published longer than an hour when my Man came into the house.

Go into the room.

His intense eyes reflecting so much strength.  I comply.  Although I cannot see the paddle in his hand, I am certain he brought it in with him.  I stand to the side with my eyes down.

Stand here and bend over the bed.

I walk over to the end of our bed and lean over. The log frame is perfect bend over height, something we both noticed as soon as we put the bed in.  I lower my torso flat and lay my head on my hands.  Waiting. Pants up (thank God).

The warning rub of the paddle is very short lived.  My right cheek is introduced to the wollop of the paddle first.  Holy good God this paddle covered a lot of ass in one strike! Right then left. Up higher then to the sit spots. Over and over. He is very eager and my ass is on fire! I break out in a bit of a sweat.

It feels like fire/deep/stinging/intense/remorseful/relief.

Then it stops.

I wait for a short time then get up to see where he went.  He is right back in the room as I lean up and I see his beautiful paddle. It is actually beautiful.  I mention how shocked I am that he finished so quickly.  He mentions that it needs to be stained and then puts his hand on my back and pushes me back flat to the bed.

Back down again.

This time my pants and underwear are pulled down.  I am curious how red my ass looks. I am curious how that makes him feel.  He starts again, left and right, higher and lower.  These swats start out strong then lesson a bit.  He even paddles down my thighs a bit.  My ass is thankful for some lighter swats but already misses the breathtaking full swings he gives.  At some point he talks out loud,

Two hands? SWAT¡!  
Or, one hand?  SWAT!¡

I have no idea if this was a question to me or not but it very much felt like he was thinking out loud as he test drove his handy work on my behind.

The paddling stops once more and he lays the paddle across my bare exposed lower back/hips.  And, he is gone again. I have no idea of the expectations or plan. I just know not to move and not to let that paddle fall to the floor.  I lay panting bent over the end of the bed.  Waiting.

He returns again and the paddle is lifted from it's perch.  He swats at my pussy, urging me to spread my legs.  I comply.  Small swats end as he places the paddle wedged between my thighs so the flat paddle end is horizontal to the ground.  Again, I don't know the expectation or the plan but I know not to let it fall.

His fingers dive deep into me and I instantly count off my orgasms.

One!         Two..!!!

Over and over.

I am a panting shaking mess and I am nervously aware that I may be dripping onto his new paddle.  He takes several more out of me as he adds more fingers, going deeper and harder.

His fingers stop and the paddle is taken from my legs.  I am floating as he pulls me up a bit.  I turn to him and he is rubbing my wetness all over one side of the paddle blade.

You stained this side.  I'll stain the other.

Side note....Again, how do I ever wonder if he is IN this with me!?!?

He then lays back on the bed, pulls his pants off of his straining cock and places the paddle on his chest.

Come on. 
An invite and expectation I know well.

I bend over the side of our bed to take him in my mouth.  Holy shit he is hard.  I devour him as best as my foggy head will let me, then I am overcome.  A wave runs through me as a muffled yell attempts to escape my mouth.  I cum.  He follows along shortly after.

As I stand up, cum waiting in my mouth (I now only swallow after he gives me permission to), he puts the wet side of the paddle to my mouth and gives me a look.  Fully aware of what he wants this time, I spit out his cum onto the paddle.

Rub it in.

I comply.  I rub HIS cum over my cum stain.

He talks about putting it away to dry to get ready for actual wood stain.  I think I mumble an incoherent,

mmmmmhmmmmmm

I can already see this paddle bringing in the discipline we have talked about.  My ass hasn't been this sore in a LONG time and my head hasn't been this clear either. There is harmony in our home.

Sunday, November 15, 2015

Pearl, of little wisdom.

I had no intention of following up my A little Pearl of wisdom... post with an even more ironic follow up... But I am nothing if not fair and honest.

Sometimes life is not as black and white as we may think it is.  Lines blur and colors change.  And sometimes, we can no longer focus past what we are certain is right there.  And SOMETIMES, we are even wrong.

Ouch.

My blogger friend, and Heron's nyghtbird, little girl, blogged a while ago about a frustration that increased as Heron reminded her that this was not about her. She stewed and thought about it throughout her work day and she finally stopped stewing and started thinking.  I remembered reading little girl's explanation of how she really came to understand that she had been so focused on how she felt that she was not able to see where she was in the wrong. (I hope I am not butchering the true flow of that post my friend!).

The truth is, as many of you know, there is this little fucker that I deal with (maybe most of us deal with some form of this?). Self doubt, insecurity, overwhelmed perfectionist, call it what you like- to me it's the little fucker.  Her only purpose is to distract me from the true problem at hand and instead- linger on the path of perceived least resistance.

My service and intent were not very loving and after a few incidents too many of my spiteful serving He called me out. Even worse, He called himself out.

How did I not feel victory when He said that He was struggling?  I was certainly behaving as though it was me against Him.

Wasn't this a win for me?

For U/us, I actually can honestly say it was.  We needed to be heard, to talk, and we did just that.  We needed to apologize, and connect.  I needed to know that my Man was not oblivious nor indifferent and He needed to know that that I understood that my submission was conditional and rather shitty the past few days.

I honestly don't know why I get such tunnel vision sometimes.

As soon as He started talking I just felt like such a jerk.  Very selfish and completely unsupportive.  He called me out.  No clothes in bed is not just for easy access.  I crave the skin to skin contact with him. No clothes in bed is FOR me.  And, as I begrudgingly removed my clothes the past few nights I did so without moving close into him the way I love, the way I NEED.

Not all of my rules are for MY benefit. 

Again, ouch.  I needed a strong reminder that this is NOT all about me.  Yes, I am important, the most important thing to my Man if fact.  But, I made a promise as well. I promised to make HIM the most important and to put HIM first.  Purposefully and without condition. And, I certainly need to be His strongest supporter.

Friday, November 13, 2015

Loving my lurkers!!



Yes, I do love my lurkers!!

I blog for me, but seeing YOU helps me to keep on coming back for more!  It helps me know that someone understands and someone is here to read, learn, teach, comfort, share, and COMMENT.

 TODAY IS THE DAY!!

As you have read, we are a very accepting group. Something for every taste.

Maybe you want to blog and just need that nudge?

Maybe you have a question, one you just can't seem to feel comfortable asking anyone in your in personal life?

Maybe you have been lurking in my page for a while now and want to know how I made my pretty pink flogger?

You are already here!!! For goodness sakes- say "Hello" this time =]

I will be saying my "Hello" today and tomorrow on the blogs I lurk on- YOU can too!!

***18 views and 3 "Hello's"!!  Keep it coming =)

I also want to give a special LOL Hello to my fellow blogging lurkers!!!  How easily I forget that we are a big bunch of lurkers as well!!

Wednesday, November 11, 2015

DIY

Nothing says "Shits gettin' real" like picking out your own oak board for your Man to make a paddle!

He made me carry it.

And, when the gentleman who makes the cuts said, "you only want two feet?" I was VERY much expecting him to ask what my Man would be making.

He didn't.

When I asked my Man what he would have answered, he said he planned on telling him....and watching his face go red.

I say I cannot be embarrassed, I was wrong!  MY face would have certainly turned red!

Wednesday, November 4, 2015

A little Pearl of wisdom...

I remember a lesbian discussing the difference between actually wanting to be with a woman and just playing along with someone.  She said, when you think of you and the woman are you doing things TO her or is she just doing things to you? Meaning- could it be just anyone between your legs or does it turn you on to lick her, hold her, make her cum?

This made sense to me. Do you really desire a woman and all the things you can do to her, with her, and for her? Or, are you just playing along to get yourself off?

I have been thinking that the same could apply to a Dom/sub pairing.  If your partner is a sub and you love the way s/he serves you, love the constant blow jobs (or pussy worshiping), love the chores being completed, love the "yes, Sir/Mistress" respect, but do not take the reigns of leading your sub, do not take the reigns of disciplining your sub, do not take the reigns of pushing your sub's limits to help her/him reach the potential that you see in her/him are you really interested in being the Dominant or are you just playing along to get yourself off?

Tuesday, November 3, 2015

The swing of things.

Finally finishing my projects I text my Man, who is just downstairs, that I'm ready to eat. I roll my eyes as I wait for him to offer me "something to eat".

He doesn't.
He says he will come up.

And, I continue to wait.

I text him again and ask him to bring something up for me when he comes up (partially as a reminder that I'm still waiting).
He says he will come up.

And, I continue to wait.

Finally I go downstairs to him. He is in his recliner, feet up, no intention of leaving any time soon.  I ask if he's ready. He says yes and gets up. Comes over to me and plants soft kisses and bites on my lips and my neck.  Hands wander. And, I am softened.

With my shirt and bra removed I am led to the post. Face to the wood, he is rubbing, touching, and undoing my pants.

My mind wanders to a mental snap shot of what is in the basement.  Cords, plastic hangers, I think the drum stick is still down here somewhere, our play box is down here....

I don't remember if I felt his hand or the hanger first but he settled in on the hanger for quite a while.

Then the flogger came out.

Each sensation blended into the next.

He reminds me that He knows what I need. Yes.  Yes He does.

I.
Need.
This.


I. Need.

HIM.

Wednesday, October 28, 2015

Black coffee IS a form of discipline!

Discipline has started for any expectations not met.  This is a bit of a leap for my Man.  He had incorporated a bit of discipline in the past, but very little.  Either I wouldn't have earned my maintenance spanking or he would decide on a more hard and unyielding spanking when I missed tasks.
Never anything that crossed over into our vanilla world.  He has decided that will change.  I am nervous, excited, and just.... Ready.

He gave me time.  Time to grieve, time to cry, time to be in charge of my pain.  For Better or For Worse... He stood by me.  I think he feared that expectations would break me.  He told me that I needed to tell him when I was ready to serve.  No judgements, no disappointment, just concern that I was at the end of my frayed rope.  That was a hard pill to swallow.  I am typically NOT fragile.  But then again, my Mom never died before.

Friday, October 23, 2015

Moving forward by going back.

I was thinking of you while I was in the basement today.

The basement is the place my Man chooses when he wants my full "attention".  So, I knew he must have had some very Dom thoughts.

What were you thinking?

That I want to buy you some jewelry.

What kind of jewelry?

A ring.  

Really? What kind of ring?

A sub ring.  Well, I want to engrave the inside but I know my wife likes to take her rings off and sometimes forgets to put them back on.... So I can't have it say "Submissive".  

I am tearing up at this point.  But all I can say is...

Ok.

I was looking up how to say " slave " or "submissive" in other languages. 

I love that idea.  And, I love when you think of me in the basement.


Saturday, October 10, 2015

One blow job at a time.

I want things going back to the way they were.

Me too babe.

My hand is gripping his cock.

Go lick my cock. Only with your tongue. Don't suck until I grab your hair.


Getting us back, one blow job at a time.

Tuesday, September 29, 2015

Could have been SO much worse!

Our oldest is helping to clear out our bedroom, as it finally our turn to make a new space just for us.  This lovely, amazing, and helpful child of ours walks (maybe stomps) over to where I am working on the computer, tosses (maybe flings with disgust) something to me and says (maybe hisses)...

"So I guess THIS is yours."

I look at what she has found.......





A very empty bottle of personal lubricant squeezed up like a tube of toothpaste (What!? We don't like to waste!).  

I do my absolute best stone faced uninterested response.....

"Oh, thanks babe."

And, as I think of all the things this sweet child-o-mine could have found.  GOOD GOD it could have been infinitely worse!!

Saturday, September 26, 2015

Out of the ashes....

For those of my reader friends who have sent messages of love and support, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. This past two months has been like no other (and my Man and I have been through some shitty shit). Just over a week ago I started a new medication.

**this is not medical advice this is my personal blog for my personal journaling- if you are experiencing depression and/or anxiety you need to see your doctor**

What I can say is that taking Wellbutrin has given me back my life, my happiness, and I no longer feel like I am drowning.  From the first dose, I felt like I could breath again.  We were getting ready for a mini vacation and where I would normally have lost my shit...

I felt...

Fine.

I cried. I had no idea this calm feeling existed. I had no idea that I could be over 2 hours behind in my packing and prep and have it not ruin my mood and the first day of our trip.  How I waited so long in misery I will never know but I am thankful that I finally asked for help.

It isn't easy to be the one in need. I hit a point where I could no longer handle the darkness.  I cried every night. Obsessively played solitaire (how ironic) until my eyes could no longer stay open just to fall asleep.  I slept with clothes on, afraid I may be noticed and touched by a Man who deserved to have his wife back long ago.  That sweet, patient, Man who has seen every corner of my soul (and still wants more!?).

I am blogging (as best as I can handle) through it all.  I can't only journal the light- I have to get out the dark.  I have to get out of the dark.  I have truthfully not cared if I lost every reader who was used to loving my sexy life blogging.  The readers that remain, are those who see "me".

If you are looking for Pearl and her Man, we are still here...

Pearl and my Man.  We are real.  And this past two months has been some of the darkest we have ever seen.  We will fight, like we have more times than is fair in one lifetime.  How can we not?

Tuesday, September 15, 2015

Journal to you my sweet and patient Man.

It's that kind of blogging day.  Early morning, cool breeze and bright sun as I sit on our back deck with a hot cup of coffee and wear one of my Man's sweatshirts.  This is how/where I do my best "thinking" this is where it all comes pouring out.  Many of these posts never actually post, but they are released out of me none the less.

I am sorry.  I am sorry that I cannot change my thoughts and my sadness.  I am sorry that this is out of O/our control.  It's difficult to live a life with no regrets yet feel so damn regretful for every day that passes where I cannot find the courage to speak, to be held, or to even feel lovable.  I am sorry that I am not stronger.  I am sorry that I accused you of leaving me alone.  I am not alone.

I am sorry that I implode.  YOU must be so lonely without me.  What is it like for you to have your home draped in sadness and emptiness?  Do you even feel loved?

"What Dreams May Come" if there was ever a movie.....

                         Thank you for every kindness. Thank you for our children.
                         For the first time I saw them. Thank you for being someone                                                                    I was always proud to be with. For your guts, for your sweetness.                                                          For how you always looked, for how I always wanted to touch you.                                                        God, you were my life. I apologize for every time I ever failed you.                                                        Especially this one...

You have gone to hell and back to find me, as I have done for you.  The inappropriate "I'm sorry" still floods my heart.  How much more can we endure?  Is there ever a limit?  Even in the dark there is still hope.  There is no limit to what I will endure WITH you, FOR you.  You are the air I breath.

Thank you for crying with me.  Words that needed to be said.  Tears that needed to be cried.  Thank you.  Thank you for looking for me.  I just realized that when I was 16 you literally looked for me- thank you.  You have guarded my heart for decades.  I am so very thankful for that.  For you.

You could not imagine how light I feel today.  Our bodies need each other, you are right.  As always. I needed to be held.  To be found.  I love you.

Sunday, August 30, 2015

Healing


BELOVED
NOW IT IS SEEN THAT
THIS PAINFUL FEELING
OF SEPARATION FROM YOU
ONLY PERSISTED DUE TO
MY PERCEIVING YOU
AS "YOU"
AND NOT I

                                         -Unknown


Monday, August 24, 2015

Time

Time changes things. It changes our preceptions, changes our reactions, changes our tolerance, and our boundaries.  Sometimes we are in need of these changes, waiting for the relief and clarity they will bring.  Sometimes, these changes sneak in when we aren't looking.  

Who I was yesterday is just a version of who I now am today.  Yes, time has changed me.  In ways I never imagined.  But also in ways I had always hoped.  I need to be okay with never being who I once was again. That is the trick.  

My nature is not to be submissive, it is to attack with every ounce of my being.  

Time.  

Time had softened my sharp edges.  Replaced the rigid confinements that held me coloring inside the lines and released me to really "feel".   Time also unexpectedly created new lines and edges, waiting in the shadows to bring me to a grinding hault as I drifted.  

When facing a freefall, I grasped for my well packed old parachute.  MY parachute. To save me from MY freefall.  I can do this. Alone.

Time.

I am not who I was yesterday.  I see differently today.  I see that my claws are out and that I am fighting with every ounce of my being.  Alone.

It is my default.  I recognize this old me. She is the one who created all that I have become.  I regret nothing.  But, I am okay with never being that version of me again.  

Yet.  Here I am.  Deciding to fight.  Alone.

I have forgotten something truly lovely about my life.  I'm not actually alone.  

Time.

Time allowed me to drop my guard.  Time tricked me into believing that I no longer had a default mechanism equivalent to a self destruct button.  When I wasn't looking- I became my own worst enemy.  

It is now time.  Time to allow the edges to be softened.  Time to put away MY parachute and time to remember that not only am I NOT alone- I never was.  


Monday, August 17, 2015

Smile


"Smile"
Smile though your heart is aching
Smile even though it's breaking
When there are clouds in the sky, you'll get by
If you smile through your fear and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You'll see the sun come shining through for you

Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear may be ever so near
That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what's the use of crying? 
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile

That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what's the use of crying? 
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile
~(Performed by) Nat King Cole

Tuesday, August 4, 2015

Clouding up the waters....

I was emailing a blogger friend and as I re-read my email I couldn't help but feel sad.  My exact words to her were that as I scanned my blog roll I realized that I don't belong here right now.  Why is it that problems in vanilla life seem like too much to share?!

My mom died last week.  Unexpectedly and it's been just plain horrible.  My mom was a complicated woman- always proud on the outside of my accomplishments but boiled with envy on the inside.  Sometimes that boiled over on to me and out came the shitty comments.  One of her most recent, and most hurtful digs, was in regards to my work.  To me, she was also unknowingly attacking our lifestyle.  She said to my Man that it must be nice to have an independently wealthy wife.   Now my Man and I do joke that I'm his "sugar-mama" but this was not a joking comment.  It truly hit me where it hurts.

Why?

Why on earth should that comment hurt?

Why would I perseverate on where my mom and I differed?

Why could my mom not see that working full time herself, raising a very large family, AND keeping her role as "wife" at the top of her list would be the best example she could have set for us all?

I can choose to see the conflict- there is always some to be found.  Or, I can choose to be joyous.  I can choose to hide in my cave or I can keep my heart open and trust that, even in the darkness, my
Man knows the way.

I am blessed.  In so many ways.  To look into the specifics of my life, maybe some would disagree.  Each event brought me to today.  Yes, there is sadness, but how can I not feel blessed?  How can I not look back and know that if any of those heartbreaking events had changed, W/we may not have been?  How can I not look forward with joy?!  My days will be full of ups and downs, but at the end of each day, how can I not choose joy?

Friday, July 17, 2015

Missing my Man and blogland

It feels like a month since I last found time to connect in blogland!  Maybe it has!?

A little away time- a girl's trip.  Honestly, never my favorite activity if it involves being away from my Man.  He is home, holding down the fort.  Literally I think as we have strong storms rolling through.  I can't help but wonder if I calm him as much as he calms me?  Then I remember, I NEED the calm. Maybe I give him the crazy his life was in need of?

I am NOT suffering though- trust me on this!!  Who knew waiting to book our hotel until the day prior would pay off?  I really didn't wait on purpose, the town I wanted to stay in was booked solid for weeks prior and I was trying until the last day in hopes of not taking "no" for an answer......and oh goodness.....it worked!!!!

We are atop a hill overlooking the waterway in a private home (cheaper than the local booked hotels, I assume because it was the last minute =}  Yay me!!

All is well in our corner.  Much to blog- however- I am spending my free time as disconnected from electronics as much as possible this summer.

I do miss my bloggy friends and I hope you are all finding some time to disconnect!  But just like me---- come back soon and tell us all about your adventures!!!


P.S.  a drumstick can be an effective reminder tool for a wife is isn't showing her love of service.  Especially if you ask her if she "likes" serving you and she mistakenly answers "yes".  After about 5 sets of 20-30 each I finally remembered "I LOVE SERVING YOU, SIR!".

Friday, June 26, 2015

Soft training....

"Soft training for a submissive wife"

This was one of the searches that led to a couple of readers to my blog.  Funny, being that I have no idea what "soft training" is and I am pretty sure that those words have never once been in any of my posts!

Any ideas what this is?  I could google, but I would rather hear from my bloggy friends.

Monday, June 22, 2015

Away for the night.

My Man will be away from us tonight.  NOT my favorite thing at all!



I texted him that I had an odd request:

I wanted you to cum in my towel for me to sleep with tonight?
Not happy to sleep without you =(

His reply:
I'll see what I can do.



When I came home there was just enough time for a kiss and goodbyes.
He asks me to come into the closet.

Here, I did you one better. 
He says as he opens up his drawer and pulls out a tightly folded pair of my underwear.

The lovely Man came into the crotch of my underwear!

Wednesday, June 17, 2015

Two wrongs DO make a right!

So our kiddos asked for some ice cream on our mini vacation. My Man and I were both right there. He didn't answer, so I said "yes" (wrong #1) and for the record, HE is always the go to "yes" for the kids- I just thought I was getting some "yes" credit.

Oldest kiddo says "as many scoops as we want?" I reply "No! This is not see how much you can eat."  My Man now responds to them that yes- they can order whatever they want- its vacation. (wrong #2).

I am not even sure if I need to clarify that I was beyond pissed off?!  My Man could sense my fuming anger and asked if I was mad.  I said "completely".

Kiddos come back and my Man promptly tells them that he made a mistake and that if mom says no, the answer is no.  They say a lovely " ok, sorry" and go on eating ice cream.  He then looks to me and says " you should have told them to ask me in the first place".  My Man made right of this wrong situation.  Showed me respect to our family and expected respect right back.  Lessons learned- even on vacation.

Sunday, June 14, 2015

Correction

This is going to hurt...

He binds my arms to my side and plays deliciously rough with my nipples.  Smacking and pinching, caning and enjoying them fully.  The wrap moves from around my body to around my mouth- I think maybe my moans and "ouches" were getting too loud.  He plays and plays with his toy.

Then it's time for correction.

...Tens unit zapping my ass to vagina while his correction stick slices down on my soft backside every time my answer to his question is self serving.  I know better than to crawl over him in bed with indifference.  I was a true asshole.

Now I am being held accountable.

At one point I am told to stop squirming.  The surge of the tens between my legs makes this nearly impossible.  He has become proficient at lecturing, each disappointment flows from his lips to my ears.  The strange brew of emotions flow through my body and I am thankful for it all.  He announces how many more I have left.  Whatever the number was (I can't exactly recall-3 maybe?) I know he added an extra one onto the end.  Quick sharp and understood.

Now here we are, Sunday.  Another maintenance (correction?) day is upon us.  And, I have never been more calm or happy in all my life.  

Friday, June 12, 2015

All about my Man.

I stole this from many of you!  Here is a little info on my Man....


1. He's sitting in front of the TV, what is on the screen?
Football, hockey or ESPN. 

2. You're out to eat; what kind of dressing does he get on his salad?
Ranch (mixed with house possibly).

3. The most striking thing about his physical appearance?
His shoulders (old football player with amazing broad shoulders!) and his olive skin.

4. You go out to eat and have a drink; what does he order?
On the rare day he has a drink- it's Coors Light.  Usually water or a Coke/Pepsi

5. Where did he go to high school?
So personal....=] 

6. What size shoe does he wear?
13, I believe

7. If he were to collect anything, what would it be?
Music- all kinds.  He LOVES music.

8. What is his favorite type of sandwich?
PB&J with some Doritos

9. What would he eat every day if he could?
Hmmmmm.....I am not sure.....

10. What is his favorite cereal?
Peanut Butter Captain Crunch

11. What would he never wear?
A speedo

12. What is his favorite sports team?
Vikings

13.Who did he vote for in the last presidential election?
Again, so personal!  

14. Who is his best friend?
He has a few wonderful close friends, including me.

15. What is something you do that he wishes you wouldn't do?
Being my own doctor.  I am shocked that he hasn't enforced a rule on "when I say go- you GO!"

16. What is his heritage?
Norwegian mainly.

17. You bake him a cake for his birthday; what kind?
I made a lemon cake with blueberry filling that he LOVED.  I would make that again for him.

18. Did he play sports in high school?
Yes, football, track, wrestling (for a short try).

19. What could he spend hours doing?
Listening to music.

20. What is one unique talent he has?
He can build anything!

Your turn!  Tell me about your significant other...  :-)

U/us

With a lack of time for a good journal/blog update I just want to stop in and share a text that sums up how W/we are...

I texted my Man this morning:
"So, I think that I am batting 500.  Half of my maintenance turns into correction.  But I am NOT discouraged! I'm finding it's very common for a lot of correction time when new expectations and rules are put in place.  Thank you for being consistent with me and for keeping us both accountable. I love you babe..."


Friday, June 5, 2015

GOOD morning.

I am awakened by his hand on my ass. He pulls his hand away and pulls my pants down, as though a spanking in coming.  He has delivered a few morning swats with his hand before and oh how I love that. I arch my back pushing/offering my ass to him.  Irony I appreciate now.  His hand is at my mid-back as he pushes me to fully bend at the waist.  He is putting me into position without words or gentle pleasantries.  My ass is left cool as I wait.

 My sleepy mind tries to race...spanking? Fucking? Ass fucking!?  Then I hear a click.  Lube.  Ass fucking!? Holy fuck!  I start to pant.  He is not in a gentle mood.  This is my Dom, and he has a piece of ass to play with.  It has been a LONG time since there has been any ass play and I realize that my tensed up body will only break- not bend.  I continue to pant but relax my body for him to use as he plans.  His hand almost slaps the lube onto my tight hole.  He places his cock at my entrance then grabs my ponytail bun in his fist and pulls.  I push back on the tightness- hoping to avoid that initial jaw dropping pain.  He has mentioned before that He knows my ass and feels that I am very capable of taking him all the way from the first try- He has expected as much for quite some time now.  But that was also when my ass was a little more acquainted with his cock or the plug.  He goes slow'ish in straight to the base and I am squeaking/moaning/panting as he pumps in and out of me.  Damn it if he isn't right- no priming needed- I'm rather proud of my ability to relax and take him all in!  In no time at all he finishes with a few deep thrusts and empties himself into me. Then, just like that.  He is all done with his piece of ass and is off to get ready for work.

I am in a moaning heap on our bed.  Unable to stop the insatiable need to dry fuck the sheet below me.  I am left in a delicious state of messy wetness.  Slowly I calm down and get up to send him off with a kiss.  And, he very kindly gives me permission to go back to bed and to use the magic wand for a clit orgasm.  Oh, good morning!

Thursday, June 4, 2015

This post makes me want to ask for some permission....


My Man and I have been talking a great deal about our D/s roles, O/our needs, my anxieties, and the consistency of his maintenance/leadership/control.  In the beginning of our spring cleaning he asked me something to the effect of "What's the worst that could happen if didn't lead for just one day?"  His intent was truly to have me see that the world wouldn't end without 100%, 100% of the time. 

I see it differently and it brought about a very needed conversation for us both.

It takes a great deal of trust to hand over control to someone else.  You agree to release your grip and trust that the other person is holding on safely to you.  To truly give myself freely and without keeping a half tightened grip I need to trust that HE is in control.  For me, it is a terrifying thought to release control and have no idea if anyone is there.  Yes, it is irrational to think that catastrophe is waiting around the corner but that is how it can feel and I needed Him to know.

So many moments link together to create our path, this is another one of those moments.  W/we are responsible for each other's safety and happiness.  W/we will stop at nothing.

I am learning that He has eliminated the idea of a time limit on our "spring cleaning".  What started out as a recharge, if you will, has evolved into who W/we are.  He has not left me wondering who is in charge.

On an awesome side note, my Man and I both noticed the other night that I haven't needed to take my anxiety medication almost at all this past month!

Coincidence?  I think not.

And, my behavior has earned some LOVELY rewards during this time!!

*My best subbie day ever earned me a toy I have been trying to earn for maybe a year??  I'm not going to spill the beans on it yet (as it has not been ordered yet), but I think I may have talked about it in prior posts =)

*Working well over 60 of the last 120 hours earned me a terrific session of cumming more times than I could coherently count!  My Man treated me to His scruffy facial hair between my legs, ordering me to cum into His mouth.  It felt like ages sense He forced my cunt open for Him, the sting of two then three fingers forcing my g-spot to give way and release for Him.  Maintenance spanking that covered all of my privatest of parts.  He pinched my clit until I cried out, my nipples treated as nothing more than a place for His fingers to squeeze until again that satisfying cry of pain preceded
my counting out of an orgasm.

As I am bent over, ass in the air- head on the bed, he is pulling and rubbing all of me.  Talking about my new expectations.  I will be eating either 2 pieces of fruit or fruit and yogurt for breakfast, coffee too, but nothing else.
yes, sir.

Yes, my Man has found His footing. He is an amazing leader, an amazing Dom, and an amazing Man.  Serving Him is the least I can do to properly thank Him for all that HE does!

Tuesday, June 2, 2015

I will never know him. Maybe.

Long ago, my Man made a statement that I would never know him.  If I think back hard, I think that it was meant to be an honest moment at the time but nowadays, we use it as a joke to each other.

How absurd it is that we don't know each other by now!?

However, the more I think about it....it isn't absurd when you take the time to really look at each other and work to discover all the little pieces that makes the other person who they are.  Even more, I think of how much we have learned about O/ourselves in the past few years.

We spend time.

We look into ourselves.

Peeling away each layer.

We begin to let go of the layers that are no longer U/us.

And there we are, in need of getting to know O/ourselves, again.
In need of getting to know each other, again.

__________________________________________________________________

Maintenance is for U/us both.  I know this now.  I am learning more about this side of Him as He leads me through it.

Punishments don't appeal to Him, after years of me voicing my need for punishments, I KNOW this about Him. (yes, years =)  I know I can be a tenacious little thing).

Something that He has discovered about Himself?  Correction DOES appeal to Him.  His maintenance stick also has some "correction" to it.  My ass KNOWS this new little fact.

Learning this about my Man was an emotional discovery for me.  Lecturing as each lash of correction reigned down on my soft repentant skin.  Being made to say, aloud, all the items I had missed and fallen short of.  As each shortcoming left my lips He followed with a fiery stripe of correction. My emotions were just disconnected and bubbling over.

Submission.
This emotion made sense to me.  My agreement to HIS decisions, in the way HE sees fit.  Trust and submission.  Correction was His choice for U/us, the submission in my heart needed to be brought out for me to embrace all that I am to be.

Calm.
There is nothing quite like the calm that came over me.  To be given freedom to follow His lead offers my soul the most sincere calm I have ever felt in my entire life.  Every minute He leads I am set free.  Truly free.  One opinion matters, His.

Sadness.
This emotion struck me as odd, but I understood it.  Welcomed it in fact.  I was sad that when the bar rose up higher, I faltered.  I disappointed Him.  The sadness gave way very quickly.  That emotion did not serve U/us.  Lingering in sadness would not allow for correction.

Repentance.
After my Man lectured he paused and said something to the effect of me needing four more hard ones.  I can't recall His exact word for "hard" but He clearly conveyed that I was in for the four hardest swats.

SWAT
one! 
(He had not asked me to count but I did.)

SWAT!
My breath was taken away as I processed all the emotion and sensation.
I DIDN'T HEAR YOU.

t-
two. I choked out.

Three and four were equally behavior changing as a flood of understanding flowed through me.  This is no game.  This is not play.  I have expectations that I did not fulfill and I let us B/both down.

Pride.
That was the oddest emotion of them all and the one that still lingers.  My Man, this Man that I will never know ; ) has earned my respect, my trust, and my offer of all that I am.  He has lead me HIS way and on HIS timetable.  He has taken the time and effort to find how HE can best lead me and U/us. He found His footing in all this.  In this thing that WE do.

I never knew He would be the Man to stop my mouth in it's tracks as I spout off with misplaced irritation.

I never knew that although a maintenance spanking would be due He would send me to get His "Correction Stick" and that I would already know what I had missed and was in need of correction for.  I would return with that stick and instantly release my selfish intent and know that this would not be for maintenance, rather for a much needed correction.

 So, what has He learned throughout all of this?  I just asked Him =]. He has learned that this IS for both of U/us.  He was skeptical before. Yes we were kinky always but this was very different and- W/we like it!  He said that He has also learned how to take care of me better. Happy wife-Happy life.


 Maybe we do know each other!

Thursday, May 21, 2015

Nothing fancy, just a spring cleaning update.

Do you like it when I remind you what you need to do?

yes.

So do I.  If it's maintenance day, YOU can remind me.  Don't assume I'm deciding not too.  You know, sometimes your never-stressed Husband does get stressed.  New job... kids schedules... sometimes YOU need to remind me.  W/we need maintenance.

I understand.

______________________________________________________

And just like that, I did understand.  It amazes me the miscommunication that can occur when I have a conversation for ONE in my head.  (I know- I can be an idiot!).

Our spring cleaning, there have been many moments of distracted/busy/vanilla life.  That will never change, life is life.  O/our life.

Here we are today, pushing my comfort zone and boosting HIS control.
-No purchases off of HIS approved list without prior permission.
-If He gives me a list/expectation, it is to be done.  No excuses.  No forgetting.
-Work days, no matter how late, don't change my expectations.
-I am to initiate projects in our home.  No waiting for Him to tell me every time.  I know what he wants.  I need to DO it.
-Food Diary was uploaded onto my phone and I am expected to log everything I take in.
-Clit orgasms will only be allowed after He decides that I appropriately took care of Him the night prior.  I am to get permission for every clit orgasm.

______________________________________________________

The more submissive you are to me, the easier it is to lead you.  No questioning me anymore.  If you have a question, don't ask in front of the kids.  Ask me privately.  

yes, sir.

No more 90%.  I want you to do more things that frustrate you- work through them- finish them.  I expect more of you.  

yes.

When you get in this bedroom you are mine to do whatever the fuck I want with you.  When you come to bed, is it your goal to cum?

no, sir.  I know you like me to cum so my goal is to not do anything that will make you need to take that option away.  I don't want to loose the privilege of cumming because it's not fair to you if you wanted to make me cum.  It's not for me.


Your only goal is to serve me in here.  I want you wet when you think about how you are going to serve me.  I want your body to convulse when you think about sucking my dick.   

yes, sir.

_____________________________________________________

A horrible case of bronchitis/sinus infection and so on (for me) during this time and I can tell you that I have never been happier to pick my sick ass up off the couch to finish my dishes.  He is allowing me rest, insisting on rest actually, and I am thankful for HIS hand in all that I am doing.

There is great relief and freedom in having your beloved set the bar high and not allow you to fall short.  He expects more.  XOXO

Tuesday, May 12, 2015

Day one.

We are spring cleaning.

A few weeks focused on clearing out the cobwebs of my submission.  Dusting off his belt.   Our D/s commitments to be the focus, boosted to a level we have never practiced.

I'm a little nervous that this might fizzle out on His part before the spring cleaning is done- it is so very difficult to put all your trust in one place.  So stupid of a feeling to even have when that trust is in a place of amazing safety.  He is the reason I can breath.  He will decide when spring cleaning is truly completed.  I am excited for the opportunity to be pushed in ways He feels will unlock my beauty.  I am expecting the unexpected.  I am opening my heart to all He will bring out.
_____________________________________________________________

Sunday and Wednesday will be scheduled maintenance.  Expectations will be at an all time high.
Mother's Day is ending, this will kick off our spring cleaning.  Will He remember?  Should I say anything?

As I am sitting on the floor next to Him, it begins.

Go upstairs and put the dog to bed.  Take a shower and come back down.

yes, sir.


When I come back downstairs, shaved and washed clean, I am led to my knees in front of Him as He is sits on the couch.  He brings my head and upper body close into Him, like a hug.  My clothes are on.  Slowly He begins to swing the belt all over my backside.  I have a moment between each swing to breath such slow cleansing breaths.  His foot slides between my knees on the floor and pushes them apart.  I am kneeling in a deep straddle, making my pussy vulnerable to His maintenance.  I am so very thankful He is willing to take me this far.  The maintenance is deliberate and intense and I don't spend one second on flinching or moaning, I just breath in and out and release every piece of negative energy that prevents me from being, me.  I surrender.

He continues my maintenance after pulling my pants down to my knees.  He continues to belt me after directing me to stand before Him.  Facing Him, then away.  He moves to my breasts and nipples as my hands stay obediently behind my back.  Having my nipples belted over and over slowly pushes my walls down and I am whimpering.  Again, I am eternally grateful that my Man has decided to take me here.

I am eventually allowed to savor His delicious cock and He gives me a reward of warm sweet cum to swallow.

Up to bed and into the bedroom I am shaking and in a subbie world that only my Man exists in.  He remarks on how maintenance in the basement then going to bed may just be the new way to go for us. 

I whimper.

He raises up His arm and I instinctively know to softly draw my finger nails up and down His skin.

Good girl.

Soft sobs leave my chest as He tightens the reigns on His girl even more.


In this state I have unmitigated joy at the thought that there is someone on this earth who will go the lengths HE goes to for U/us, for me.  I have no idea what these next few weeks will bring, but my heart is open and I am ready to push my selfish intents aside and make Him proud to have me as His sub/wife.  If that means He goes back to limited restrictions and the strict control is too much for His comfort level then I will be ready to push my selfish intents aside and allow HIM to find His footing as the leader in our home.  I need to remember that very often the limits that are pushed are not the ones I expected.



Monday, May 4, 2015

Tech sexy

Now that my phone does NOT share a photo stream with my children (yes, that was a scary fact to find out with my old phone) my Man will be getting some sexy pics texted to him. 

Oh, how much damage I can do on my day off?!


Monday, April 27, 2015

I cry uncle.

So, here in the states, we have a term "crying uncle" (curious if my far off friends use this too).  I learned that term at a young age as the only way to get my brother to stop hitting me or a similar situation where I was just bound to lose and needed a way to get out and just give up in self preservation.  You have to say "uncle" and in doing so you admit you are weak, you stand no chance and you have just had enough.  (As I start this post, I can see how you as the reader could see this going so many different positive ways, however, I assure you, it really does not~ sorry.)

Today, I wanted to write.

I wanted to write and cry uncle. 
I have needed maintenance. 
I have asked for maintenance. 

A few swats here and there but no maintenance.  
I am way off and I am struggling to find my footing.

After a few good belt swats today while were having sex, it was all over.  Starting a spanking and not following through is too much for me, and not a good too much.  It opens me up then leaves me bare to fight off the little fucker all by myself. 

He asked me what I needed. 

nothing.

Pearl, what do you need?

nothing, I'm fine.
 
He stairs at me, half expectant of me to give an answer and half expectant that He knows me better and that I will continue saying, nothing.

i think i just really need more.  but it's fine.  i understand.
truly, i understand nothing.  i can't keep asking.  i have just had enough.  fine, uncle.

A short time later we get into the car to start running our errands. 

Some maintenance tonight?
He says.

yes.
I reply with relieved but cautious expectations.

And, just like that, crisis post averted.?
______________________________________________________________

NO.

We come home to an alarm sounding in our basement.  Our water alarm that we placed less than a month ago when our basement flooded to alert us if water collects again.  Two basement floods for two different household issues, in the span of a month.  What the fuck.

I have never heard my Man yell "FUCK!" louder in all my life.  Over and over.   
WHAT THE FUCK!

Truth be told, I am typing this in between moving the super industrial water vacuum over our wadding pool basement.

No waterly advice needed.  We are seriously becoming quite good at the clean-up process.

I have just had enough and I needed somewhere safe.

I cry uncle.

Friday, April 24, 2015

Of utmost fetish concerns....

My Man has a worry.

Will "normal" sex become so uninteresting that it will no longer easily make him hard? 
Simply laying in bed next to me might not be enough at some point.

Should I feel offended?  Because, I am not.  I actually giggled like a school girl when he said that.  Wanting to take control, direct my body, tie me up and cause me delicious pain makes Him longer and harder than normal.  I know this and I LOVE THIS.  I am not offended.  I am not disappointed. 

Becoming harder and hornier because of all he loves to do to me is one reason we are who we are.  Marriage can become stale if no-one is looking.  There is a time and place for missionary, kissing, hugging, holding hands and spooning.  There is nothing wrong with any of that, I love those parts of U/us.  However, there is also a place for restraint and restraints, spankings and rules, ropes and floggers, belts and deep throat training.  W/we were made to scratch each others itches. 

How I meant to start this post is that my Man has a FETISH I think!

Friday, April 10, 2015

The intimacy of calling Him Sir.

I wanted to welcome Ara who is a newer follower of my blog here.   

When I went onto her blog page the first post started with a quote discussing something I have wanted to write about on my blog for a long time but just wasn't sure how to address it or incorporate it. 

"It is bound to happen at least once a month. Someone is talking to me and they call me "Sir" out of protocol-driven deference.  It's meant to sound respectful, but it also sounds a bit too intimate for me."
Author: Baronvonaaron on fetlife
The blog post is from a Dom and goes on to talk about other situations of subs (not this Dom's subs) kneeling for him or expecting to serve him.  Outside of an absolute explicit direction from my Man I would never in a MILLION years kneel for anyone other than HIM.  Since our dynamic change I have even worked to break my friendly habit of saying "Yes, Sir" to others.  It just feels very wrong to me now.

Now my Man and I have had no in person time with other D/s people but I feel that this does come up in blogging often in it's own way.  Many blogger names reflect their titles or D/s stance in the home/relationships.  I get this, it is who they are and how they identify themselves, however, I just cannot call them "Master___" or "Sir___".    I completely agree, it's a bit too intimate for me.  Even my buddy subhub- his LOVELY Mistress K is HIS Mistress K.  I cannot refer to her as "Mistress K".   To me, Dom/Master/Mistress/Sir/Daddy (and so on) are titles reserved to be spoken by those who serve them, not me.  

I in no way feel odd when others use the titles for each other in blogland.  For some, this lifestyle is a full lifestyle, complete with their Dom/Domme's expectation that they serve to the fullest extent at all times.   My Man does not have that expectation of me and he is very aware of my intent to follow His lead.

That being said, if my Man were to request my submission towards others- it would happen.  Yes, there are a few people I can think of that it would literally burn as it rolled off my tongue, but all in all, I crave His input and His direction.  Come to think of it, I have been open about my need for punishments/consequences.  There is one person that I am certain he would only have me say "Yes, Sir" to as a form of punishment =)  and I would HATE every minute of that cruel and unusual punishment!   

Monday, April 6, 2015

Real Neat Blog....



I was nominated for the Real Neat Blog Award by Julia one of my favorite bloggers- thanks Julia!!

Real Neat Blog Award Rules


1. Put the Award Logo in your post.

2. Answer 7 questions asked by the person who nominated you.

4. Nominate any number of bloggers you like, linking to their blogs.

5. Let them know you nominated them.

Questions from Julia: 

1. Are you an outdoorsy kind of person?
YES!  Very much so.  I love hiking, kayaking, camping (we have a camper- I'm not a tent person any more).  The best vacations are out in nature- we are currently planning our next adventure!  

2. What is one thing you would tell yourself if you could go and visit yourself ten years ago?
Great question and a rough one to answer. 10 years ago would have put us right in the thick of probably our most disconnected time during our marriage.  The one thing I would have told myself is to take a breath.  I'm not sure expanding would make any sense but overall my inability to just stop and be still (if even for ONE small moment) prevented me from fully enjoying that time in our life.  Medication could have been useful too =) 

3. What do you like about blogging and how did you get into it?
I most enjoy the personal stories and contact with others living a similar lifestyle.  Journaling is wonderful but I would miss out on those personal interactions.  I got into blogging by searching and searching a million terms similar to "sexually submissive wife".  I always added "sex" into the search because although I wanted to learn about full submission, I was wanting to avoid the Biblical submissive wife perspective.  I grew up with Catholic guilt as a guide- I have NO quilt on the way I choose to live and I very much wanted to read and to blog about full submission in and out of the bedroom.

4. What is the last thing you did that you were super proud of?
I earned a specialty certification in an area above my career expertise- and afterwards I was told that I am the first person to earn this certification in our organization =)  I worked many months to prepare for it and I was really, really excited when I passed the exam.  I actually sat in my car and cried before I called my Man.

5. How is the weather outside right now?
OOoooo.....sunny but still cold/cool (50's I think).  The sun is really shining- we even had our sunroof open as we ran errands today!

6. Where are your blog visitors from?
Let me check.
Here is a quick cut and paste!  Very interesting question, and answer.
United States

Ukraine

Canada

Finland

United Kingdom

India

Switzerland

Australia

Denmark

New Zealand       

7. Which blog post(s) are you most proud of or happy to have written down? 
 This might be my favorite question you asked because I get to peak past at my posts!  Without looking I am going to answer that I am most proud of my very first blog post.  This post is completely U/us.  When I re-read it, I can feel that pain down in my gut.  I remember that time in our life and there is nothing I would change in the way my writing captured that.  I had no idea how it would be received but I very much felt that anyone who understood my feelings would be someone I would want returning to my blog in the future and I knew that I would be led to blogs that would speak to me as well.
After reading through some of my old posts I also am very proud of a few others for pretty much the same reason as why I love my first post.  Behind the Curtain  felt good to write and to account for our everyday imperfections.  I loved looking through my old posts!  Thank you so much Julia for the terrific questions!!

I LOVE these questions from Julia and want to pass on these same questions for the blogs I nominate.
I nominate a few blogger friends I don't hear from as much as I would like =)

subkitty at hisomega.blogspot.com
Aurora at notyoureverydayfairytale.blogspot.com

Brooke Austin....I see your blog is closed =(  I would still love to hear from you here or in email if you are up for it.