Have you and your partner ever had a discussion/conversation where you were each carrying on your OWN conversations and neither of you were catching on?
In an unimportant subject, this could be funny. He thinks we agreed to go out for dinner, I think we agreed to stay in. Plans are made, and we find out when he "meets" me at the restaurant and I am fervently cooking at home. Ha ha Ha! Oh, what a silly misunderstanding! And, the night goes on...
This was NOT our situation!
Through vanilla life circumstances, we are in a very acknowledged situation of difficulty with my submission. My work (again) requires my full attention and in many ways it has to come first (this is a discussion for a different post, I know). WE also come first, if that makes any sense at all. D/s is full time for us. In the bedroom only was out long ago.
That being said, we began a discussion on how to get me back on track.
I stated to my Man,
I know that things will evolve and change but overall, don't you think that we are past the question on if this is what we want?
He asked me to say it again. I did.
Mind you, he stated this with a great deal of conviction. I was taken aback.
Does he think that we still need to discuss IF we both want this?
For the rest of the day, we were
He was short with me and mostly silent. I felt, confused and hurt.
Did I screw up that badly?
More communication errors at bedtime. He was about to get into bed, I scrambled and said WAIT! I had clothes on the bed and didn't want him to have to clean it off. (It is also the expectation that I get his side of the bed ready and fluff up/straighten up the feather bed.)
I moved the clothes and that was it, he got into bed.
I climbed over him and playfully stated that I wish it was one of my days (I get two set days a month where I can question, request, and suggest).
I thought we were done with that?
What?! When did you take those away?
And the long day of miscommunication FINALLY comes to an end!
You said you didn't want to do this anymore.
WHAT THE FUCK?!
As we break down the day we realize the horrible situation we were both in.
I wanted clarification and reassurance that no matter how difficult this can get, we are way past worrying if this is for us or not. In his answer, I heard that we are NOT past asking if this is for us. Ouch.
My Man asked me to repeat what I said and in my clarified answer he still heard that I felt that we are beyond needing this. We can always change, but we don't need this. OUCH!
Somehow we both mistakenly heard that the other was NOT fully invested in our commitment.
To hear the hurt in his voice, it broke my heart and equally warmed my soul.
I just kept thinking 'How the fuck can I NOT do this?' I don't think I could go back.
When it comes down to it, our disconnect over the past month allowed fear to creep in.
Our disconnect hid the truth.
I could focus on the disconnect, or I could focus on the fact that we came back to U/us.
In the end, that is all that matters. We ended the day as U/us.