Wednesday, August 13, 2014

Listen all of y'all it's a sabotage...

Sorry for the Beastie Boys reference- but that lyric has been swimming in my head so much, it was time to let it out!
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We had a horrible few days of disconnect that was just brewing to a head.  For my part of this disconnect, I felt unheard, un-taken care of, and unnoticed.  In short, I was ONLY looking at me.  I was very selfish and stopped VERY short of noticing how I was lacking.

When it finally did boil over, I spewed out all the self righteous thoughts of frustration I had been having and fully expected my Man to feel horrible.  For (at least) the second time that night, I was WRONG.

I learned many things from our talk that night...

#1. I am skilled at sabotage.  (In walks that song lyric into my head again.)
I ask a question that I expect only one acceptable answer to.  When he doesn't jump through the hoop I set out, I go one more step down the old path of thinking and I am slowly certain that he is not committed to this part of our life.

#2.  I have been a shitty surrendered sub.
I have been so damn busy filling my time with every subby activity I feel is right and good that I literally have never done the 3 main requests/rules asked of me for any consistent amount of time.  (I should have been clued in  L-O-N-G  ago when my Man said that I would have to earn this new "toy" I am wanting and it still has yet to come...I just assumed (wrong again) that he wasn't interested in this toy).

#3.  For My Man to be a GREAT Dom, HE needs a GREAT sub.
He has no reason to believe that he has a great committed sub when this sub does not even feel that his requests are important enough to follow.  When I can handle more, he might just give me more.  I need to actually DO what he has asked of me

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Since that talk, I can feel that my service does have a purpose.  I am no longer serving to be a sub.  I am serving to be HIS sub.  When I catch myself doing or saying what I find to be important, I stop for a moment to assess if I have even done what HE has asked of me first.  It is so simple really, why do I make it so difficult!?

Check in times have resumed.  This will be a great help to me so that if I do start down that path again, he will know right away and can reign me in.  And, as my Man has reminded me, I have needs.  He will be taking better care of those needs just as soon as the littles are back in school.  My need for a spanking will need to wait.

5 comments:

  1. You know while reading this, I keep thinking that while it sucks to go through it, you can now look back at it because you finally Got IT! So if you can avoid these behaviors in the future, it should lead to better communication and all that good stuff, right?

    Although, I got a little envious reading about the toy, lol. My DH would have forgotten....

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    1. Hey Julia!
      This seems to be my problem often, what should be easy enough and learned from often takes time after time to really GET!

      And, I would have bet money that my Man forgot about the toy. I was shocked that he brought it up!!

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  2. Oh, Pearl. I totally get this post. I feel I do the same thing. I get to a good place and then find a way to undo part of the work we have done. How do we stop that trend??? Good luck, my friend!

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    1. I like the way you put it "find a way to undo part of the work we have done" so darn true! Now, if you could tell me how to stop our trend =) we'd be in luck!

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  3. this is going to be a life long learning process of how to learn/earn the right to be in this lifestyle.....there are going to be times where signals are missed..men and women are different.....Beastie Boys lyrics are going to be pulsing through your head sometimes just to see if he notices your deviousness....because you feel he wasn't looking anyway...right?! Well guess what...he is listening....he is watching...and he remembers too....the way I view my bride being submissive to me is the ultimate act of love.....surrendering.....is giving complete control over to someone else.....that is nothing but LOVE....I embrace this lifestyle because it is what we should all do....in every relationship there are roles that need to be in place..and since my bride wants to talk lyrics....I'll quote the great Zac Brown Band...."because its one wheel, four hands, two hearts trying to understand....How are we gonna get there? When we're both trying to drive?" My role is to get us to where we're going..and take control....my brides is to do what it is I ask and to not grab the wheel and try and take us to a place she feels I want to go..........I will lead you there....P's Man...

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