When it finally did boil over, I spewed out all the self righteous thoughts of frustration I had been having and fully expected my Man to feel horrible. For (at least) the second time that night, I was WRONG.
I learned many things from our talk that night...
#1. I am skilled at sabotage. (In walks that song lyric into my head again.)
I ask a question that I expect only one acceptable answer to. When he doesn't jump through the hoop I set out, I go one more step down the old path of thinking and I am slowly certain that he is not committed to this part of our life.
#2. I have been a shitty surrendered sub.
I have been so damn busy filling my time with every subby activity I feel is right and good that I literally have never done the 3 main requests/rules asked of me for any consistent amount of time. (I should have been clued in L-O-N-G ago when my Man said that I would have to earn this new "toy" I am wanting and it still has yet to come...I just assumed (wrong again) that he wasn't interested in this toy).
#3. For My Man to be a GREAT Dom, HE needs a GREAT sub.
He has no reason to believe that he has a great committed sub when this sub does not even feel that his requests are important enough to follow. When I can handle more, he might just give me more. I need to actually DO what he has asked of me
Since that talk, I can feel that my service does have a purpose. I am no longer serving to be a sub. I am serving to be HIS sub. When I catch myself doing or saying what I find to be important, I stop for a moment to assess if I have even done what HE has asked of me first. It is so simple really, why do I make it so difficult!?
Check in times have resumed. This will be a great help to me so that if I do start down that path again, he will know right away and can reign me in. And, as my Man has reminded me, I have needs. He will be taking better care of those needs just as soon as the littles are back in school. My need for a spanking will need to wait.