Saturday, August 30, 2014

Blogging in bed...

I have never had the pleasure of blogging in bed next to my Man.  A girl could get used to this!

My Man was reading through my last post, his response was that what happened was WAY funnier than I wrote.  He's right, it was.  I forgot how I was thumping him in the ass with my knee like I was railing him from behind.  I couldn't possibly remember, and write, the entire ridiculous exchange.  But, it was FUNNY.

Then, he read the post just prior.  And, his response is what it has been after he reads other intense posts I write.

Who is THAT guy?!

Now this question makes me laugh and raise my eyebrows.

Did any of this NOT happen?

Nope, it happened.  I don't know who that guy doing that to you is though.  I'm not that smooth.  He's good!

I'm a girl.  I over analyze.  I think.  I re-think.  But, when I write about one of our play times, I just write.  His actions, my response.  I don't see if he fumbles with the cuffs as he places them on me.  I hear the cuffs and I'm in heat.  I don't see him rummaging through the toy box to find what to use next.  I hear every delicious toy slide, clink, and scrape against each other.  And, I get wet.  He doesn't talk throughout our play time, but what he does say.  HOLY shit.  Can you tell that I am very turned on by listening to all that is going on.  He is that smooth and he is THAT good.  I know that he can't feel it the way I do but he just doesn't hear it the way I do either.

Friday, August 29, 2014

"Switch" the comedy.

His back is sore.  He has a huge knot near his shoulder blade.  As I rub deep with my elbow his breathing changes, a bit like the panting I do during a spanking.

I see my window....and I start to fuck with him!

Now see baby, this hurts.  You know when I tell you that I need you to talk to me?  It's because I KNOW you can take more for me baby.   You just need to hear me.  

At this point he starts to snort/laugh, as my elbow in his knot is still taking his breath away. 

That's it.  Oh, fuck ya.  
I am talking in my best greasy porn star voice.

We are now both snort/laughing.

Relax baby, that's right.  You are so fucking hot.  You know how much you need this.  You KNOW how good this feels.  Give it to me.

I even finished with, WHO's YOUR MAMA?

To which he replied his real mom's name...and we both laughed so damn loud and so damn hard that I am sure we woke the kids up!!

Monday, August 25, 2014

This is OUR LIFE.

Joshua Caleb 100% NSFW (Not Safe For Work) and BDSM (Bondage and Discipline, Dominance and submission, Sadism and Masochism).

We have slowly clawed our way to where we want to be, where we NEED to be.  We will always have to work purposefully as we fulfill our commitment to each other.  But, we WILL continue to work for this.  Every. Day.

Some days, minutes, weeks, hours, seem too disconnected for us to overcome.  I write down all I can.  Some words flow so very easily, the sadness dripping out into words like a fresh cut bleeds.  It hurts to feel disconnected and alone.  Some words, I just can't bear to say.

We reach a breaking point.  
And, then it happens.

We connect.

We reconfigure our commitment.  

He stands tall as my loneliness melts away.  Thankful and HAPPY that HE is my Owner.  THANKFUL and happy that I am HIS sub.  Weeks of renewed (and NEW) commitments lived with purpose.  

I spent my day, a slave to my Owner.  I dried him off after he showered and took my turn after.

He takes more than I knew I had.  
He asks me if I can take more.  

I reply in a whispered incoherent sob.  

You have earned a day to relax.  
He says as my skin glows more and more red hot with each strike.  

Tuesday, August 19, 2014

My Man's first post!

My Man was over my shoulder as I wrote to a blogger friend who is struggling.  He asked Do you want me to answer?  I couldn't say yes fast enough!  As I sat back waiting to see what he wrote, my stomach was so excited I wanted to puke (doesn't sound good but I assure you, I was GOOD excited!)  

Then, he offered to comment on one of my blog entries!  The original comment is here but I copied it to this I feel my Man is deserving of his very own blog post!  I love you more than I ever show to you, babe.  Thank you!!!!


this is going to be a life long learning process of how to learn/earn the right to be in this lifestyle.....there are going to be times where signals are and women are different.....Beastie Boys lyrics are going to be pulsing through your head sometimes just to see if he notices your deviousness....because you feel he wasn't looking anyway...right?! Well guess what...he is listening....he is watching...and he remembers too....the way I view my bride being submissive to me is the ultimate act of giving complete control over to someone else.....that is nothing but LOVE....I embrace this lifestyle because it is what we should all every relationship there are roles that need to be in place..and since my bride wants to talk lyrics....I'll quote the great Zac Brown Band...."because its one wheel, four hands, two hearts trying to understand....How are we gonna get there? When we're both trying to drive?" My role is to get us to where we're going..and take brides is to do what it is I ask and to not grab the wheel and try and take us to a place she feels I want to go..........I will lead you there....P's Man.

Monday, August 18, 2014

Check in

During check in time last night (for any readers who are new or just plain don't know, we do "check in" times when we need to touch base and stay on track as D/s) my Man reminds me of all that is expected of me this week.
My brain WELCOMES this!  There is no information overload to worry about, I need this clear reminder, this boundary, and the limits HE provides.  My tasks from him are the same but I need the structure of his check in time to stay connected.

-My work.
-Our children.
-Personal journal/blog time.
-HIS time.
He accounts for all that I have coming up this week.

Dishes.  He says.

Every night.  I reply.

I may change that to what you did tonight, it looked great.  
He is referring to my (almost) full cleaning of the entire kitchen.

Yes, sir.  Thank you.  
And, I mean that with all my heart.  My belly literally flips with excitement.  During our big talk, I blogged about prior, he was very clear that the reason he would NOT be adding any tasks/rules is because I was not respectful enough to do what he had asked prior with any consistency.  I have changed my focus and I am serving HIS needs.  Adding more means I am FINALLY doing it well!!

And, you will be going to sleep every night with my cum down your throat.  If you want me anywhere else, that's fine too, you will clean him off if you have to because I'm cumming down your throat.

Yes, sir.

This is who I fall asleep with each night and who I wake up to every morning.  Knowing that at the end of each day, whatever crazy schedule I will keep, EVERY day this week will end with his cum in my mouth is AMAZING!  I need that consistent reminder of who I belong to and who I am in our home.  I NEED to be his.

I am his LOVE.
I am his sub.
I am his wife.
And, yes, I am his mouth to fuck.  
I am his personal whore.  His personal whore who is LUCKY enough to be marked every night as his.  Oh- my dreams will be naughty!

Wednesday, August 13, 2014

Listen all of y'all it's a sabotage...

Sorry for the Beastie Boys reference- but that lyric has been swimming in my head so much, it was time to let it out!

We had a horrible few days of disconnect that was just brewing to a head.  For my part of this disconnect, I felt unheard, un-taken care of, and unnoticed.  In short, I was ONLY looking at me.  I was very selfish and stopped VERY short of noticing how I was lacking.

When it finally did boil over, I spewed out all the self righteous thoughts of frustration I had been having and fully expected my Man to feel horrible.  For (at least) the second time that night, I was WRONG.

I learned many things from our talk that night...

#1. I am skilled at sabotage.  (In walks that song lyric into my head again.)
I ask a question that I expect only one acceptable answer to.  When he doesn't jump through the hoop I set out, I go one more step down the old path of thinking and I am slowly certain that he is not committed to this part of our life.

#2.  I have been a shitty surrendered sub.
I have been so damn busy filling my time with every subby activity I feel is right and good that I literally have never done the 3 main requests/rules asked of me for any consistent amount of time.  (I should have been clued in  L-O-N-G  ago when my Man said that I would have to earn this new "toy" I am wanting and it still has yet to come...I just assumed (wrong again) that he wasn't interested in this toy).

#3.  For My Man to be a GREAT Dom, HE needs a GREAT sub.
He has no reason to believe that he has a great committed sub when this sub does not even feel that his requests are important enough to follow.  When I can handle more, he might just give me more.  I need to actually DO what he has asked of me


Since that talk, I can feel that my service does have a purpose.  I am no longer serving to be a sub.  I am serving to be HIS sub.  When I catch myself doing or saying what I find to be important, I stop for a moment to assess if I have even done what HE has asked of me first.  It is so simple really, why do I make it so difficult!?

Check in times have resumed.  This will be a great help to me so that if I do start down that path again, he will know right away and can reign me in.  And, as my Man has reminded me, I have needs.  He will be taking better care of those needs just as soon as the littles are back in school.  My need for a spanking will need to wait.

Friday, August 8, 2014

Tending the D/s Garden.

Our two week sabbatical is over.  We are home.  Family time, U/us time, my alone time.  There was some well earned rest & fun.

We talked.  We cuddled.  We quietly allowed our D/s sides to connect when our lodging accommodations allowed it.  Even some lovely D/s time when vanilla was expected and we were out in the open.

That connection time- every piece of it- is invaluable to us.  THAT is when we have time to be free and to communicate clearly.

My Man had the opportunity to tell me more of what he needs from me as his sub/wife.  I don't usually hear this part from him as often as I would like.  It sounds crazy maybe, being that we choose to live a D/s lifestyle, but he is not usually giving me direction or rules.  I have thought about this in terms of my tomato plants, follow me on this, it really should makes sense.  My tomato plants can grow just fine with only the soil and water we have, they really can.  But, to REALLY make them flourish, I have to prune them.  I have to break off the stems that aren't fruitful, turn the soil, remove the weeds, and guide each limb to be supported by the surrounding cage.  When I don't do this, the tomatoes grow just fine.  But, when I put in the effort to DO this, they grow SO MUCH better!

Can I be a good submissive for my Husband just because it is in me to do so.  Sure.
Can I be a GREAT submissive without HIS input, pruning, and effort.  No.

The biggest enemy of being being good.

I am not happy being good.