Monday, July 14, 2014

An Un-welcomed First.

PMS....PMDD.....XYZ.....

What ever you want to call the week and a half prior to my period and few days after it starts, it's hell.  This is like beating a dead horse as I blog this.  I have said the same on many of posts.  I journal the same.  For the most part, this 2 week time frame when The Bitch is Back is hardly unchanged.  Sure, the irritations and frustrations may change but my irrational and unacceptable response to them, not so much.

In walks the anxiety of it all.  I DO NOT WANT TO BE LIKE THIS.  I have better in me, I just canNOT let it out.  What has changed is the building and building of anxiety month after month with little reprieve.  Two weeks off sounds like it should help.  It no longer does.  My two weeks of "normal Pearl" are not enough time to recover from The Bitch I was just prior and The Bitch soon to come.  I knew this was building and something had to give.

I made a Dr. appointment.
Two more days and I would have the courage to ask for help.  Two more days and I would make the leap.

 My Man and I were in our room, Him very DOM.....and I, very sub.  He pushed and I released.  He did everything right and loving.  For me, very Dom, IS LOVING and RIGHT.  I need direction when I cannot see clearly.  He gave me what I needed.

"Yes, sir" was my response to many requests and statements.  Each direction he gave allowed me a moment to breath.  The requests and statements are not important but they were personally important to us.

He took what I had to give in a very DOM way, LOVING and RIGHT.
And, I still felt.....empty.

I began to cry.  I was so damn silent.  Why did I not want him to hear me?
My nose became so plugged as I quietly sobbed that I couldn't even swallow.  I sat up a bit to clear my throat and try again.  As I laid back down a rush of panic flooded my head.  I sat up right away again, with my head in my hands.  "I think I'm having a panic attack!"  And it began.  My very un-welcomed first.

I was sobbing loudly now and I think I was God-damn drooling I was crying so hard.  Everything else was tuned out.  My Man was asking me questions and although I could hear him I could not speak.  My Man kept talking to me calmly.  My Man kept checking my pulse.  My Man kept touching me softly.

He did everything RIGHT and LOVING.

Panic.  Never before and I surely hope never again.  I don't think it lasted long but it was long enough.  When it was over, it felt as though I sobered up.  It was nothing like the uncontrollable panic I had just felt but I felt a sense of purposeful fear.  I felt surprised by what had happened.  I don't know if I said it out loud or not but all I thought was I don't want THAT to ever happen again.  And, I damn well meant it.

Words poured out of me.  No more crying.  No more hiding.  I had no idea how much my hiding could hurt me.  I had no idea how much my hiding could hurt My Man.

This post is to be continued....not because I want anyone to hang on my words.  This post is truly so difficult to write and I am leaving it in my "draft" pile until I feel like I can let it out.  I terrified myself with what happened and I found out later that I terrified My Man.  It left him feeling unsure on his decision to be very DOM that night.  What I want, for this post, is to be clear for My Man, EVERYTHING he did was RIGHT and LOVING.  



8 comments:

  1. Beautiful the way a Dom can be so gentle and so attentive when we need them the most. I suffered with panic attacks for many years prior to meeting D they are no fun. Xoxo

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    1. Thank you so much lils for dredging through my unhappy post, and for caring enough to comment. I mean that.

      I felt like I had a hangover the few days after, it really freaked us both out. The past few days have been better. It was a huge reminder to BOTH of us how much we need each other.

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    2. Thank you so much lils for dredging through my unhappy post, and for caring enough to comment. I mean that.

      I felt like I had a hangover the few days after, it really freaked us both out. The past few days have been better. It was a huge reminder to BOTH of us how much we need each other.

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  2. oh no, so sorry this happened ((((hugs))))
    you're right, hiding away thoughts and feelings, even for the right reasons, often has a big price.

    Hope the doctor can help, both with the pms and maybe this too xxx

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    1. I come back to your "in the cave" comment each time this comes up- it is such an appropriate description. And, wouldn't you know it...he was there again. Dr. appt. went well. I had/have other health issues on my mind so we literally spent an hour working through it all! Thank goodness for an excellent Doc!

      As always, thanks mk for taking the time to send my much needed (((hug))).
      XOXO Pearl

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    2. so glad the Dr helped!
      the cave can be a healing place, but not if you go too deep into it, I always think, easy to get lost in there!

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  3. I am really glad that you went to the Dr and asked for help. As you know, I have had serious problems with PMS as well. And you are right, when you add DD/Ds to the equation it can make anxiety rear it's head because you know that you shouldn't be doing this/acting this way but you CAN'T help it. I hate it as well. Would be interested in what the Dr had to say. I hope you find relief.

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    1. Always thankful for your comments Brooke! I will email you more details. I know you get were I'm coming from, thank you for that.

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