Wednesday, July 23, 2014

Vacation. Starts. NOW.

I have had a big decision to make, career wise.  
Do I go for MORE?  
Do I go for GREAT?  

In my heart, I know that I always try to choose the rough rocky path, the path less traveled.  I am hardwired to EARN every crumb I get.  It fills me to know that I have what I have because of my efforts. 

Taking this on at this point in our life and my career would further put me down the path of being a better "worker" than Mom and wife.  My goal is to be a GREAT Mom and a GREAT wife.  FIRST.   I am proud of who I am.  Who our children are growing up to know.  I am GREAT at what I do!

I choose, no.  I don't have to create a more difficult path, I have chosen a difficult one already.  I am challenged every single day in my career, and when I come home, what matters to them is that I am Mom and wife.  Not the other.

How appropriate…I am sitting on the deck, in the sun, the rest of our house is asleep, and the calendar on my phone alerts….."Pearl not knockin the lights out, starts today.”

I.AM.ON.VACATION.

Tuesday, July 22, 2014

Submissives and Why We Surrender.

Submissives and why we surrender
This is BY FAR my favorite search title on my "Traffic Sources" history......EVER.

Yes, my blog is filled with details of our sex life.
True, I don't hold very much back.

But...I DO have a purpose.  Everything I share is shared to chronicle our ups and downs.
I work to express my own thoughts as to why I surrender.   I came to blogging with similar searches looking for answers and looking for a place to call my own.

A submissive in need of a like minded community-
finding this blog-
with that search-

Absolutely Terrific!!!

Friday, July 18, 2014

Saved by MY loving Dom.

TO MY BLOG FRIENDS....YOU (AND I) DESERVE A HAPPY POST!  
Thank you for hanging in with me when this blog serves as my therapy.  My intent is to express all of me....for better....or for worse.  
___________________________________________________

We were in bed the night after my panic attack.  Time to talk, check in, reconnect.  Emotions were raw and more vulnerable than usual.  I was distantly worried it would happen again.  I wanted him to take me away.  My man stated that my reaction freaked him out.  He needed time.  He needed to give me time.

I wanted to show him that it was NOT his heavy Dominance that pushed me over.
I wanted him to push me harder.
I wanted him to take my ass the way he did that night.  Before I crumbled.

In that first few long minutes of talking I had completely forgotten what got us to the loving place we are.  I had forgotten that what makes us, U/us, is that we are committed to GIVING love, not taking love.  WE are in this together.  This is NOT about what I want.  My focus changed.  Not trusting that My Man should carry the burden of my anxiety with me is a large part of what caused me to get to a breaking point.  I trusted his choice, cuddled up close to him, and fell asleep.  Wrapped in safety, acceptance, Dominance, and LOVE.

_________________________________________________________

My Man decides that one day off is plenty.  Our toy box is out and I am restrained (very creatively I may add) by my hands and my feet.  I am naked, front and center in the living room, on my hands and knees.  He slides the soft ottoman under me.  Hands secured to one end of the L-shaped couch side, feet secured to the opposite end of the L-shape.

His restraints make me float.  Instantly.  I feel my eyes blinking ever so slowly.  My lips soften and I breath in soft, slow, healing breaths.

I am so lost in every sound of rope moving, metal clip chiming, hand smacking.  He is not easy on me and I am drunken with surrender.  His hand smacks hard down onto my ass.  The wooden paddle, even harder.  Even the pretty pink flogger feels heavy tonight.  I hear yelling and moaning.  I vaguely recognize the sounds as my own.  Intense.  Demanding.  I do have more to give.  And tonight...he takes it.  I can feel his need and want.  It spirals me even farther to know that THIS feeds HIS love right along with me.

Tonight there is little warm up.  He goes straight into my ass with an insertable attachment on the magic wand.
ONE!  
I count out my orgasms as they come (as expected).

Again, little warm up, he moves into my aching and soaked cunt with his other hand.  Little else gives me the sensation of COMPLETE contented surrender as when he takes me past the point of coherent thought and stretches me full.  My body LITERALLY aches for him and because of him.  It is the most delectable combination.

At some unremembered number, I loose count of my orgasms.  I stop counting out.

HOW MANY PEARL?!

I.........I     don't           know...........    
I am desperately attempting to stay alert and understand his words but all I feel is SENSATION.  My cum flowing down my legs onto my required play towel.  His hand demanding me to open for him.  The pull of my wrists away from the pull of my ankles.  My long un-pulled back hair strewn all over my face and back.

I cry the most healing, welcomed, cleansing tears of submission as I am stripped bare of all that holds me back from being, ME.
He is a gift.
He is MY gift.
He alone turns the key that unlocks all that is good in me.







Monday, July 14, 2014

An Un-welcomed First.

PMS....PMDD.....XYZ.....

What ever you want to call the week and a half prior to my period and few days after it starts, it's hell.  This is like beating a dead horse as I blog this.  I have said the same on many of posts.  I journal the same.  For the most part, this 2 week time frame when The Bitch is Back is hardly unchanged.  Sure, the irritations and frustrations may change but my irrational and unacceptable response to them, not so much.

In walks the anxiety of it all.  I DO NOT WANT TO BE LIKE THIS.  I have better in me, I just canNOT let it out.  What has changed is the building and building of anxiety month after month with little reprieve.  Two weeks off sounds like it should help.  It no longer does.  My two weeks of "normal Pearl" are not enough time to recover from The Bitch I was just prior and The Bitch soon to come.  I knew this was building and something had to give.

I made a Dr. appointment.
Two more days and I would have the courage to ask for help.  Two more days and I would make the leap.

 My Man and I were in our room, Him very DOM.....and I, very sub.  He pushed and I released.  He did everything right and loving.  For me, very Dom, IS LOVING and RIGHT.  I need direction when I cannot see clearly.  He gave me what I needed.

"Yes, sir" was my response to many requests and statements.  Each direction he gave allowed me a moment to breath.  The requests and statements are not important but they were personally important to us.

He took what I had to give in a very DOM way, LOVING and RIGHT.
And, I still felt.....empty.

I began to cry.  I was so damn silent.  Why did I not want him to hear me?
My nose became so plugged as I quietly sobbed that I couldn't even swallow.  I sat up a bit to clear my throat and try again.  As I laid back down a rush of panic flooded my head.  I sat up right away again, with my head in my hands.  "I think I'm having a panic attack!"  And it began.  My very un-welcomed first.

I was sobbing loudly now and I think I was God-damn drooling I was crying so hard.  Everything else was tuned out.  My Man was asking me questions and although I could hear him I could not speak.  My Man kept talking to me calmly.  My Man kept checking my pulse.  My Man kept touching me softly.

He did everything RIGHT and LOVING.

Panic.  Never before and I surely hope never again.  I don't think it lasted long but it was long enough.  When it was over, it felt as though I sobered up.  It was nothing like the uncontrollable panic I had just felt but I felt a sense of purposeful fear.  I felt surprised by what had happened.  I don't know if I said it out loud or not but all I thought was I don't want THAT to ever happen again.  And, I damn well meant it.

Words poured out of me.  No more crying.  No more hiding.  I had no idea how much my hiding could hurt me.  I had no idea how much my hiding could hurt My Man.

This post is to be continued....not because I want anyone to hang on my words.  This post is truly so difficult to write and I am leaving it in my "draft" pile until I feel like I can let it out.  I terrified myself with what happened and I found out later that I terrified My Man.  It left him feeling unsure on his decision to be very DOM that night.  What I want, for this post, is to be clear for My Man, EVERYTHING he did was RIGHT and LOVING.  



Monday, July 7, 2014

And so it goes.....


So much of what we do and what we feel is lost in translation.  Literally.  How we communicate as partners; man/woman, husband/wife, Dom/sub (what ever your titles may be) is so unique to each of us.  We have innate tendencies, learned behaviors, and choice to contend with.

How is it that some relationships can flourish and others spiral to a bitter end?

You commit to love.  You commit to a relationship that is based on GIVING love and not taking.  When you both have a commitment to GIVE love you are not focused on what you may or may not have received.  You feel truly grateful to have what you do and each day opens with a new opportunity to love.  You share in your partners victories, because you have GIVEN them all they needed to achieve their goal.  You focus on how you can better love your partner.  Is your partner deserving of your GIVING love?  No, they are deserving of MORE!

What do you do when one of you fails to GIVE?

You wake up fresh.  And, you start GIVING again tomorrow.
Kushandwizdom - There is power in knowledge
I am thankful to be GIVEN love every day.  
I am even more thankful that I have someone to GIVE my love to.  

Wednesday, July 2, 2014

My Man read a blog post!

I read this blog entry by Jack, Meredith's HOH/Husband.  Like many of your blogs and blog entries, it left me stunned.  Someone feels like I do.....  I have talked with My Man about him reading this or that, he is mostly uninterested.  He does not feel any need to fit into what others do.  We are us, and no-one else.  I brought the computer open to the blog entry, asked him to read it.  For me, HE DID.

What is "TTWD"?  He asks

I almost start to giggle.  I forget HE does not read all this.....I read ALL this.

It stands for "This Thing We Do".  It's basically an overall term for each couple's version of this relationship dynamic, what they choose.

I think I may have stammered out my answer.  Each time I crawl out from my cave a little more, I am full of nerves.  Will this be too much?  Will that cross the line?  Am I as abnormal as I sometimes feel?  The thought of his rejection is real, only in my mind.  My Man has gone to hell and back WITH me, more times than I wish were needed.  Does he make decisions for us that HE is comfortable with, YES.  Reject me, NEVER.

Is this how it feels for you?

Yes...

Nothing more was said.  I followed his lead.  My heart knows that HE needs to choose what is right for us and what is right for "This Thing WE Do".
__________________________________________________________________

I am wearing my very subbie nightshirt.  We all have them, the ones that don't hide all the good bits!  I wear it for no good reason and for every good reason.  I make effort to NOT hide my good bits from him no matter what.  Tonight is a 'no matter what' night.  I am uneasy.  Is he finally thinking that I AM as abnormal as I feel sometimes?!?

We are laying in bed.
Me on my tummy.
He notices that I have not hidden any of my good bits.
Slides his hand over my shirt.
Down my back.
Over my bare backside.
He stops there.

This IS a good shirt for bed.

I smile in the darkness.

**SMACK!**

I am stunned but I don't move a bit as he takes a short time to alternate cheeks.

**SMACK**      **SMACK!**     **SMACK**

He rubs his chosen spot, my right butt cheek, and settles in with many, MANY more.  I am in silent, sobbing disbelief.  I am NOT as abnormal as I sometimes think that I am.

No tears come but-
I. AM. SOBBING.

Then, calm.  Floating calm that I have not felt in a very long time.

His hand.

Feels like forgiveness.
Release.
Relief.
Acceptance.
HOME.

I do just as he says.  He directs me as I alternate from taking him in my mouth to climbing on top of him.  Deeper.  I want you to cum on me.  
There is no choice to be made, My Man wants to be deeper in me, I will make that happen.  He enjoys me for a long while (who am I kidding, HE let me enjoy him for a long while!!).

I thanked him so much for using his hand.  The connection was truly emotional.  I LOVE THIS MAN.
___________________________________________________________________

Early wake up for work.  As we both stir and shift his hand meets my naked backside, again.  
**SMACK**      **SMACK**        **SMACK!**

I don't recall how many, but it was the most terrific way to wake up!  It was a solid reaffirmation that my day starts and ends as HIS.

I AM THE LUCKIEST SUBBIE WIFE EVER!!!!!!!