When I was younger and in a foul mood my Husband would ask me if I had my period. I would be pissed. Not only was I mad at something but he would have the nerve to blame it on my period, what the hell?! Well, now I am older. And, son-of-a-bitch, my period does change me. A LOT. I have talked about this on other posts as well as the fact that our dynamic has really made me more aware of my selfishness. I think that more correctly stated, our dynamic has made me more aware of EVERYTHING. I am thankful and exhausted all at the same time.
I feel more, in every way. Physically, of course, but emotionally too. I didn't expect the emotional aspect to be what it is. I am so purposeful and emotionally engaged that when my body chemistry changes I find myself in a tailspin and it feels as though there is nothing I can do to stop from drowning.
It starts with me feeling needy and high maintenance. At that point, I get sensitive. I need and I want more but I have always had trouble with asking, for anything. So, I don't ask. I just feel hurt and lonely. I don't want to submit. I want to submit. I start to feel that the only way to match my heightened emotions is with his equally heightened control/Dominance.
You need to be spanked, go downstairs.
Just thinking of my Man saying this to me sends relief through my mind and body. Not sexual relief, just true calming relief. I want to cry. Those words have never left his mouth, but in my mind, each time I don't hear those words I feel inexplicably frustrated, irritable, and judged. How is he responsible for something he doesn't know? I understand that it makes no sense. And yet, I still cannot change my thinking.
Anxiety sets in, something I have never said before. But, there it is.
The 'why' of my part in this thing WE do enters in my mind, and I feel....odd. This breaks my heart. Wanting and needing my Husband to have a heavy hand and stronger control is not where we are at. Again, I feel odd. It isn't where we are at, but it is where I am at. Everything feels strained. and I go silent.
Sometime later I open up and I am ready to talk. We always take steps forward when I finally open up. I have no idea why I am not rational during this time and I have told him on a few occasions that I don't want to feel this way. Just as I feel relief from his control and spankings, I feel anxiety and pain (NOT good pain) from my distance.
Surrender/submission leaves me raw and vulnerable = good.
PMS, anxiety, and inexplicable frustrations leave me raw and vulnerable = not good.
Where do I go from here?
PS. I never did get my 'anti-bitch' aroma therapy oil. I think the first thing I should do is text my friend and pick that shit right up!