Saturday, February 8, 2014

Mind ramblings. PMS, anxiety and inexplicable frustrations.

When I was younger and in a foul mood my Husband would ask me if I had my period.  I would be pissed.  Not only was I mad at something but he would have the nerve to blame it on my period, what the hell?!  Well, now I am older.  And, son-of-a-bitch, my period does change me.  A LOT.  I have talked about this on other posts as well as the fact that our dynamic has really made me more aware of my selfishness.  I think that more correctly stated, our dynamic has made me more aware of EVERYTHING.  I am thankful and exhausted all at the same time.  

I feel more, in every way.  Physically, of course, but emotionally too.  I didn't expect the emotional aspect to be what it is.  I am so purposeful and emotionally engaged that when my body chemistry changes I find myself in a tailspin and it feels as though there is nothing I can do to stop from drowning.

It starts with me feeling needy and high maintenance.  At that point, I get sensitive.  I need and I want more but I have always had trouble with asking, for anything.  So, I don't ask.  I just feel hurt and lonely.  I don't want to submit.  I want to submit.  I start to feel that the only way to match my heightened emotions is with his equally heightened control/Dominance.

You need to be spanked, go downstairs. 

Just thinking of my Man saying this to me sends relief through my mind and body.  Not sexual relief, just true calming relief.  I want to cry.  Those words have never left his mouth, but in my mind, each time I don't hear those words I feel inexplicably frustrated, irritable, and judged.  How is he responsible for something he doesn't know?  I understand that it makes no sense.  And yet, I still cannot change my thinking.

 Anxiety sets in, something I have never said before.  But, there it is.

The 'why' of my part in this thing WE do enters in my mind, and I feel....odd.  This breaks my heart.  Wanting and needing my Husband to have a heavy hand and stronger control is not where we are at.  Again, I feel odd.  It isn't where we are at, but it is where I am at.   Everything feels strained. and I go silent.  

Sometime later I open up and I am ready to talk.  We always take steps forward when I finally open up.   I have no idea why I am not rational during this time and I have told him on a few occasions that I don't want to feel this way.  Just as I feel relief from his control and spankings, I feel anxiety and pain (NOT good pain) from my distance. 

Surrender/submission leaves me raw and vulnerable = good.
PMS, anxiety, and inexplicable frustrations leave me raw and vulnerable = not good. 

Where do I go from here?

PS.  I never did get my 'anti-bitch' aroma therapy oil.  I think the first thing I should do is text my friend and pick that shit right up!


  1. oh lord. I'm so in the same place right now.
    'It isn't where we are at, but it is where I am at.'
    THIS. And as I'm only all too aware that's its my needs and wants and desires that have and continue to push us into exploring all of this, I don't know if he'll EVERY be where I am. Which... kills me, a bit.

  2. McKitten, thank you so much for your comment. I needed to just say it (write it). Thanks for listening....XOXO