Saturday, February 8, 2014

Mind ramblings. PMS, anxiety and inexplicable frustrations.

When I was younger and in a foul mood my Husband would ask me if I had my period.  I would be pissed.  Not only was I mad at something but he would have the nerve to blame it on my period, what the hell?!  Well, now I am older.  And, son-of-a-bitch, my period does change me.  A LOT.  I have talked about this on other posts as well as the fact that our dynamic has really made me more aware of my selfishness.  I think that more correctly stated, our dynamic has made me more aware of EVERYTHING.  I am thankful and exhausted all at the same time.  

I feel more, in every way.  Physically, of course, but emotionally too.  I didn't expect the emotional aspect to be what it is.  I am so purposeful and emotionally engaged that when my body chemistry changes I find myself in a tailspin and it feels as though there is nothing I can do to stop from drowning.

It starts with me feeling needy and high maintenance.  At that point, I get sensitive.  I need and I want more but I have always had trouble with asking, for anything.  So, I don't ask.  I just feel hurt and lonely.  I don't want to submit.  I want to submit.  I start to feel that the only way to match my heightened emotions is with his equally heightened control/Dominance.

You need to be spanked, go downstairs. 

Just thinking of my Man saying this to me sends relief through my mind and body.  Not sexual relief, just true calming relief.  I want to cry.  Those words have never left his mouth, but in my mind, each time I don't hear those words I feel inexplicably frustrated, irritable, and judged.  How is he responsible for something he doesn't know?  I understand that it makes no sense.  And yet, I still cannot change my thinking.

 Anxiety sets in, something I have never said before.  But, there it is.

The 'why' of my part in this thing WE do enters in my mind, and I feel....odd.  This breaks my heart.  Wanting and needing my Husband to have a heavy hand and stronger control is not where we are at.  Again, I feel odd.  It isn't where we are at, but it is where I am at.   Everything feels strained. and I go silent.  

Sometime later I open up and I am ready to talk.  We always take steps forward when I finally open up.   I have no idea why I am not rational during this time and I have told him on a few occasions that I don't want to feel this way.  Just as I feel relief from his control and spankings, I feel anxiety and pain (NOT good pain) from my distance. 

Surrender/submission leaves me raw and vulnerable = good.
PMS, anxiety, and inexplicable frustrations leave me raw and vulnerable = not good. 

Where do I go from here?

PS.  I never did get my 'anti-bitch' aroma therapy oil.  I think the first thing I should do is text my friend and pick that shit right up!



2 comments:

  1. oh lord. I'm so in the same place right now.
    'It isn't where we are at, but it is where I am at.'
    THIS. And as I'm only all too aware that's its my needs and wants and desires that have and continue to push us into exploring all of this, I don't know if he'll EVERY be where I am. Which... kills me, a bit.

    ReplyDelete
  2. McKitten, thank you so much for your comment. I needed to just say it (write it). Thanks for listening....XOXO

    ReplyDelete