Tuesday, January 7, 2014

Out of the Bedroom Honesty

Through all the years we have been together honesty is the one thing that has never needed improvement or evolution for us.  We have always had it.  Not admitting to selfishness in the past was not really about dishonesty at all, I couldn't even really see my selfishness back then.  I SEE, and admit to, my selfishness now more than I ever have.  I think before my surrender/submission it was more the pride (and the selfish need to be right/justified) that made me ignore my selfishness.  Now, my selfishness is more personally disappointing.  My selfishness is a direct reflection of my respect I show to my Husband and our family.  It is something I work very hard to avoid.  And, to be honest, I am not always good at it.  

The other night, we both made mistakes.  Mine was related to not learning from a prior mistake and not paying attention.  It cost us time, some money, and plenty of irritation/frustration.  His mistake was in his reaction.  His mistake caused me some very hurt feelings.  Where in the past I would say a playful "fuck-off" to him, I listened to his words and I felt trampled on.  Towards the end of the evening we discussed what had happened.  The discussion came to a standoff.  We stared at each other from opposite ends of the couch.  I didn't want to be right, I just wanted to be heard.  Everything in me was saying to go to him, on my knees.  I envisioned myself kneeling for him, head down.  Surrendered.  

In that moment, I returned to my old way of thinking and decided that he may not want me at his feet.  Quickly following that thought was that if he did want me at his feet he would have told me or asked me to go there.  In that moment, I was selfish.  I wanted him to want my surrender/submission enough to ask for it.  To be honest....I was feeling hurt and wanted to be stubborn/selfish.  I knew what to do.  I felt it in my heart and I saw it in my head.  That was the time to do it, I saw it in his face too.  I decided to stay where I was.  It was a very selfish and poor choice on my part.

After much more discussion and staring each other down I did come to him, on my knees, but it felt a bit late for that.  I guess I am glad that I eventually did, but, it still feels less genuine than offering it when I first KNEW I should have.  I told him I wanted to come to him earlier and didn't.  He said he wanted that too. I asked if that is what he was saying with his silent look.  He said, Yes.  I explained to him that I need him to teach me first what he wants and expects of me.  I am working on what I think I should do but I need him to help keep me on track to serving him best.  I need help to override my own stubbornness.  More Dominance leads to more successful submission for me.  Right now I need his words, direct and clear.  I need to know that he expects me on my knees.  When I told him that I still sometimes question if he wants me at his feet he lifted his eyebrows as if to say, Seriously? (Flutters in my belly).  I think one day we will get to a point that he looks at me and I know what I need to do.

Right now, it can feel like a lonely decision to submit out of the bedroom.  Does he notice when I submit?  Sometimes I don't know.  In the bedroom, there is instant feedback, and I love it!  We don't miss a beat.  Out of the bedroom, I need to hear that I am a great surrendered/submissive wife, it's that important to me.  It helps me know when I am on the right track and a good girl.  It helps me to know that he wants it enough to have noticed when I make the choice to serve.   I also need to hear when I am not at my best.

I replace “I love...” with “I serve..." when I think about this Man.  When I was younger "to serve" was always in reference to religion.  My submission/surrender and service to him is not church or religion based at all.  Church/religion adds a guilt component I do not identify with in my feelings for him.  I give myself to him because I am his alone and NOT because as a woman I should serve men in general.  I serve and love him, NO ONE else.  My intent in life is to serve him.  Not every day will be easy (I keep reminding us both) but I intend to get better as time goes on.  I need for him to hold me accountable, each day.  I want to be MORE and I need his support, each day.  It’s scary to ask to be held accountable.  The path of least resistance is to just stay how we were- good enough.  So again, not every day will be easy, but it will be worth it!  I want this for us.  I know he will not withhold his love to punish me.  He is reasonable and loving and I trust his decisions.  Whatever form holding me accountable is to him, I accept and welcome it.  Even on my crabby days, I remind him not to give up on me.  I have more to give to him/us, and I don’t want either of us to forget that.

5 comments:

  1. Boy can I sympathize with that battle of knowing what you should do and actually following through with it. I can identify so much with wanting him to want it enough to demand it. Sometimes I struggle wondering if he's as invested as I am. Both are unfair to him and are assuming that I know what is in his mind. I guess I do wish he'd express it though so I'm not guessing. Good for you to be able to go to him. Even late, I know how difficult that can be.

    This life isn't easy. If it were, everyone would do it. And nothing ever worth having came easily. I'm glad you worked at it. Often it is our miscommunications that teach us the most. I'd love for things to always go smoothly, but the truth is we learn little from those times. Keep going and be proud of your achievement.

    hugs
    p

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    1. Thank you so much P. I am learning so much about myself (and my Husband) through this adventure. The ups and downs are all worth the passion we have gained. I am so thankful for the honesty you have in sharing your ups and downs too!

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    2. I also forgot to mention that I thought of your "Kneeling Communication" post when this happened and how much courage it took for you to make that choice. In that moment I just didn't/couldn't...hope to be stronger next time. XOXO

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  2. Gosh Pearl, I do know that insecure feeling when I don't know where I stand with him. And I too have had moments where I've thought about skipping one of our rituals because we're in a disagreement, and I think maybe he won't want my submission. He reminds me though that I've already given him my submission and it's not up to me to decide what he wants or doesn't want.

    Yay for lots of honesty. I struggle with sharing my needs too even though I know I have to. It's so hard when you want to serve them and don't want to feel like 'more work' at the same time. It's not easy - but like P said nothing ever worth having comes easy.

    hugs,
    aurora

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    1. Not being 'more work' is such concern of mine. I actually edited out a portion of my post about my difficulty with feeling like I'm high maintenance recently. I am more sensitive and overall this new(er) path just really takes work, from us both. That being said, I agree with you and P. This is worth the work! Thank you so much for your support of our sexy times and our rough patches...it means a lot to have found some kindred souls. XOXO

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