She drapes her arms over His body. Slow breaths leaving her.
Long, slow strokes worshiping every inch He has.
She is allowed four tools, used how He chooses.
The first, a pink g-spot vibrator. On your knees.
She is drunk on submission, her eyes half open.
She kneels next to him and spreads her legs. Following commands.
Her body has no choices. No decisions. No control.
He fucks her in just the right spot.
She is trained. One!
She cries out as the first rush of cum flows down the vibrator.
Her body is not her own.
She is trained. T..two.
Each orgasm stealing her breath and her consciousness.
This is the exchange of power. The very moment that He takes over and I surrender.
There are no limits.
The pretty pink flogger is next.
Such a welcome sound of rope meeting owned flesh.
He directs her every move. Suck on me. Now. Turn around and fuck me.
He lays on His back, being serviced.
As His pussy takes Him in, all the way, He clarifies His ownership.
The flogger reigns down with little restraint. He gives her so much. This property of His.
There is no room for question, there is no room for doubt, there is no room for stray thoughts. I am His. Every. Fucking. Inch.
Number three are the clothes pins.
On her knees, she props her breasts in her hands as an offer to Him.
He is quickly pinching and pulls her first nipple. This property He loves wants clothes pins, she will get the clothes pins. Each pinch releases a squeal. He adorns the breasts He owns over and over lining up the little wooden reminders of ownership.
Now. Dance little puppet.
Suck on me.
She gasps in pain as her breasts move against the restriction of pinched skin. Gasping, pouting, sucking, worshiping. Each piece needed for complete surrender.
She is trained.
Pain is no reason to stop sucking, I know better.
Tool number four is an easy choice. More spanking, please. The long plastic shoe horn.
She kneels on the floor, facing the couch, bent over.
Her ass is up for the offering.
He drums in a rhythm she can make no pattern of.
She has no formed thoughts.
She only comes back when He focuses His strikes the same tender spot, over and over.
He peppers in a deep strong smack from His hand. She comes to with a yell.
Circumstances beyond our control always seem to butt into our perfectly happy dynamic. Work is most often that one little annoying factor that prevents us from being U/us.
Work takes over.
Exhaustion sets in.
R/roles are passively ignored.
Wash. Rinse. Repeat.
I mentioned to my Man that maybe we needed "a day". You know, A-DAY.
A day where my ass is so red and stripey that I can no longer passively ignore O/our roles in our home.
He says that I have been good.
He says that this whole past week I have been respectful and good with him, with the kids, all of it.
I droop in my seat.
In his eyes, yes, I have been a good wife. But in my eyes, I am in no way holding up my end of THIS dynamic. I am skating through by just not being an outright asshole. No more, no less. I am average (something that has never sat well with me). He feels that good enough is good enough right now. I disagree. I want him to expect more of me and of U/us.
There is no need to argue.
Sometimes maybe good enough really is good enough?
Does feeling that "good enough" is NOT good enough really mean that I am atelophobic!?
Julia at http://mypersonalthinkingspot.blogspot.com/ asked my Man: Do you think you would feel comfortable meeting other couples who live this type of lifestyle? Julia......strangers? no i wouldn't be comfortable.....but if it were someone we care about to begin with, and found out that they are into this lifestyle, that would be fine, but meeting others that we don't know...i don't think so... Roz at http://roz-inhishands.blogspot.com/ asked my Man:
What is the biggest change you have noticed both in yourself and in Pearl since ttwd? *I have to say quick that my Man read your question Roz and then asked me, what is "ttwd"? =) XOXO Pearl*
Roz...I just had to ask what ttwd was....i don't know about this stuff....biggest change I have noticed in my wonderful wife is that she feels free....she doesn't seem so bottled up....like a weight was lifted....and for me the biggest change was for me to be more accountable to us as a couple and to keep us on task.... Blondie at http://ttwdblondiesblog.blogspot.com/ asked my Man: Do you have your own rules that you follow? Would you be willing to meet other people who share this lifestyle? Is this something you think about and try to better on a regular basis? Blondie.....do i have my own rules....sure...we have certain days where she can request anything, instead of me being the one who always dictates.......meet other people...probably not.....if we were they would have to be very trusted......and is what something i think about? rules? meeting other people? TTWD? just learned that.... i am always trying to be a better for me as well as my bride....
Our life was in such a vulnerable spot. I was in such a vulnerable spot.
I needed an outlet.
I needed somewhere I could be.
All of me.
I opened up my journal. And, there it was. Written a few months prior but still so raw and so US. Nothing else I would have written could have explained us better. Nothing else would convey the utter sense of loss I felt during that time. Nothing else could describe the loving Man I married as he embraced who we were searching to become.
I edited out our personal names.
And instantly wanted to take it back.
A reply. From the blogger who personally encouraged me.
It meant more than I can say.
Another reply. And, another. From bloggers who didn't know me.
YOU ALL saw me and didn't turn away.
You didn't laugh.
You didn't judge.
You listened. You commented. You invited me into your blog-lives. All year. Unbelievable.
I am so very proud of who we are as a couple. I am ashamed of NOTHING. Having a place where like minded people are here to listen and share has been amazing.
My Man and I are more than sex.
I hope all of you have seen that. I hope that I have conveyed that.
It can't be ignored though (and I don't ever want to ignore) that a large part of who we are does in fact include how we connect sexually. As Pearl, in blogland, I can talk about anal sex and bondage just as easily as I can talk about forgetting to do the dishes or not bringing my towel to bed. And you all seem to understand that the common thread in each post is my love for my Husband (and my struggle with doing those damn little things).
I am not a pervert (well, I am. But you catch my drift) I am HIS wife. And yes, fucking my husband until we both collapse is just as important as giving him my respect or finishing a chore I have agreed to finish.
One year. One hundred posts.
**I look forward to writing a post on my attempt at a 24hour blow-job-a-thon after LOL days (spoiler alert, my Man put a stop to it at #5....mentioned something about feeling like ground beef?)
**I look forward to earning that damn toy I have been waiting for (and finally telling you all what it is and how much I LOVE IT)
**I look forward to learning more from all of you on how to be a better happily surrendered and submissive wife.
**I look forward to finishing the posts with my Man on the questions some of you had for him.
My Man will need to learn how to give me my depo shot in the rear. His "spanking stick" has left a few marks on me and there would sure be a conversation if I dropped my drawers for anyone else to do it!
First, I may show him this chart!! =)
I will drop my drawers and bend over for him. Just as I am always happy to do!!
Here's the thing, I truly do love my lurkers because I too lurked here and there around blogland for a while before I mustered up the nerve and came out. It was this time last year. All this talk from bloggers on how much they love to hear from new people, how bloggers stick together, and how much they learn from each other. I was intrigued. I found the blogger that "spoke" to me, Conina. She didn't post too often at that point but I had made the decision that the next time she posted, I would comment. And, I did. Then I emailed her and my whole world changed. She gave me the courage to put my (O/our) story out there. I found THE most amazing community who shares in what my Man and I believe in. Yes, we all have our own personal versions, but my blogger friends are open and supportive to This Thing WE Do. And. I am forever grateful that I came out of my lurking. AND. Said "Hello". So, HELLO to you, my lurker-friend. I am so glad you have found me here! If you have been lurking even for a little while, you know how much all the comments and blogger-friendships mean to me. TAKE this time to be brave and say a "Hello!" If not to me, then to another blogger who "speaks" to you!!! There are so many amazing blogger friends to choose from!! It seems tradition to offer up a proper "THANK YOU" for each new lurker commenting. HERE IS MY OFFERING: 1 new lurker comment = 1 amazing mouth hug (aka-blow job) for my Man. Now, if you are a reader here, you know that it is NO stretch for me. HOWEVER, I am willing to fit them all in one 24 hour period (so long as it does not kill my sweet husband!) Comment away my lurkers! This will be a surprise for him so please don't let my Man down =)
A wrist bracelet that tracks your every movement and then shocks you when you are doing an undesirable activity?!
I have a feeling that this is the scarlet letter I've been looking for! WHO else would wear this bracelet?! Only a sub =) WHO the hell would buy this bracelet?! Only an owner FOR his/her sub =) Christmas is coming......
What are your feelings on the need for and the use of maintenance spankings? There has been much debate over the usefulness of them and to some Doms/Dommes, it can feel like a chore after a while. *submitted by subhub for Pearl's Man to answer* Sub Hub.....I know what makes sense for us...and I know that she does better when we do them to when we don't, so I do not feel it is a chore, nor do I feel that is is a hassle....I enjoy giving them so we are lucky....it may be a true naked bent over spanking with our flogger, or it could be a nice smack on her leg when we are driving around....but they happen more often then not.....I feel the bent over tied up spankings need to be earned so those are on a case by case basis....
My Man agreed that I should find a quiet spanking implement for when he wants to spank me but we are not home alone. Yes, I could have been patient and ordered something online but I took a suggestion from Aurora and found my own cane at home! Phillip & Aurora have used a the stick that turns blinds open/closed (a blind tilt). My Man actually suggested the blind tilt too =) I say great minds think alike!
He gave it a test run a few nights ago.
Mmmmmmm. I liked it.
Today, he gave it me a work over.
Stand up and bend over the couch.
I think I found something.
He tries out what I learned later was a drumstick on my behind. Way too hard, thuddy and deep. We talked back a forth on how his technique changes felt. Not too bad, but not my favorite.
Maybe we won't use this one.
Then he changed to the blind tilt.
Alternating hard strikes with quick taps to many hard strikes in a row. I placed my hands on my sit spot at one point.
He secured my hands together in front of me. Down I go. Floating in a slow breathy fog.
At one point, I stood up from the couch back as my ass was feeling the strikes of fire.
Lay back down or it's going to get worse. He says as he continues on the same spot until I lower back down.
He directs me to stand up and move away from the kitchen doorway. Our kitchen window is eye level and you can't really see in but my man sees someone outside and does not want me to be seen. Makes sense. And, I am thankful for the break on by bottom. He moves to my breasts while we wait.
He directs me back to the couch and restarts. Shortly after he says, Uh-oh.
I shoot up and move over thinking that someone is back outside.
No, I think I made you bleed. He softly rubs my ass.
You scared me! I resume my position bent over the couch back.
It doesn't bother you that I made you bleed.
I think for a moment. Not because I am unsure of my answer, but because each time a new piece of our lifestyle is uncovered it can be frightening.
Not particularly, no.
He slowly rubs my ass then canes my ass, sit spots, and thighs. Over and over. There is an inexplicable mix of searing pain and no pain at all. Absolutely the most exhilarating sensations ever. My Man is so good with this new spanking implement. I. LOVE. IT.
After, he directs me to the shower to wash him.
You've asked me before if I like doing this to you?
He grabs my hand and directs me to his cock. He is bigger than ever, hard and engorged. Only from this spanking, no touching or sexy talking, none.
I want him in my mouth. No, not until you wash me. We wash each other. Then I get my treat.
A few things to note:
**The welts and stripes on my bottom are just delicious. As I say that, it sounds absurd. There is just no way around it, I love how sensitive each stripe is. I love how my underwear crosses past one large welt and gives me a constant reminder of where HE has been. I love each raised spot that aches when I rub over it. Oh my, I am in love with how my Man used that damn blind tilt!
**When I washed my lady parts, my hand slid through the slickest spot ever. I was not just wet, I was absolutely lubricated and ready. I giggled because I KNEW I loved it! Thank you all for your questions for my Man, by the way! He is slowly answering them and I will be posting them!!!!
I guess the question I would like answered by an HOH the most is... Do you understand why we need/want this dynamic and do you want/need it too now that you've lived it or is it just something you do to keep Pearl happy? One more... if someone close to you discovered your lifestyle how would you feel? **submitted by Lillyanna for Pearl's Man to answer** Lillyanna..... Keeping Pearl happy is always a priority...happy wife, happy life...however your question is a little challenging, because everything is a work in progress......Do i understand my wife's deep need to serve? Yes, very much so, however my wife is a little spicy at times, and refuses to finish maintenance "chores," because she feels that it doesn't matter to me or is just being spiteful. When she is in order and serving the ways we have discussed our life works like a finely tuned car.....however when she throws her tantrums our life is just not right....and there is a definite disconnect in our relationship. Do I want/need this lifestyle? this is also more difficult than it appears....Want.... absolutely...our life is FULL when she is doing what she is suppose to be doing...... problems occur when my wonderful wife attempts to read my mind and assume why I do the things I do or what I really want and this is where I believe she has her bouts of refusal of agreed maintenance, which in turn makes me punish her in very subtle ways......do I NEED this lifestyle....that isn't easy either...I loved our life before we made our decision to change our lifestyle....I think our life goes great when my wonderful wife is serving, because this is when she is best....I am not perfect by any means either, but refusal of maintenance chores i will never understand, this is something we are currently working on....communication is key and at times those communication lines are lacking. Would i care if someone I knew found out about our lifestyle...no I wouldn't care one bit, my close friends from college knew we were freaky then, I don't think it would even surprise them.
Have you and your partner ever had a discussion/conversation where you were each carrying on your OWN conversations and neither of you were catching on?
In an unimportant subject, this could be funny. He thinks we agreed to go out for dinner, I think we agreed to stay in. Plans are made, and we find out when he "meets" me at the restaurant and I am fervently cooking at home. Ha ha Ha! Oh, what a silly misunderstanding! And, the night goes on...
This was NOT our situation!
Through vanilla life circumstances, we are in a very acknowledged situation of difficulty with my submission. My work (again) requires my full attention and in many ways it has to come first (this is a discussion for a different post, I know). WE also come first, if that makes any sense at all. D/s is full time for us. In the bedroom only was out long ago.
That being said, we began a discussion on how to get me back on track.
I stated to my Man,
I know that things will evolve and change but overall, don't you think that we are past the question on if this is what we want?
He asked me to say it again. I did.
Mind you, he stated this with a great deal of conviction. I was taken aback.
Does he think that we still need to discuss IF we both want this?
For the rest of the day, we were
He was short with me and mostly silent. I felt, confused and hurt.
Did I screw up that badly?
More communication errors at bedtime. He was about to get into bed, I scrambled and saidWAIT! I had clothes on the bed and didn't want him to have to clean it off. (It is also the expectation that I get his side of the bed ready and fluff up/straighten up the feather bed.)
I moved the clothes and that was it, he got into bed.
I climbed over him and playfully stated that I wish it was one of my days (I get two set days a month where I can question, request, and suggest).
I thought we were done with that?
What?! When did you take those away?
And the long day of miscommunication FINALLY comes to an end!
You said you didn't want to do this anymore. WHAT THE FUCK?!
As we break down the day we realize the horrible situation we were both in. I wanted clarification and reassurance that no matter how difficult this can get, we are way past worrying if this is for us or not. In his answer, I heard that we are NOT past asking if this is for us. Ouch.
My Man asked me to repeat what I said and in my clarified answer he still heard that I felt that we are beyond needing this. We can always change, but we don't need this. OUCH!
Somehow we both mistakenly heard that the other was NOT fully invested in our commitment.
To hear the hurt in his voice, it broke my heart and equally warmed my soul.
I just kept thinking 'How the fuck can I NOT do this?' I don't think I could go back.
When it comes down to it, our disconnect over the past month allowed fear to creep in.
Our disconnect hid the truth.
I could focus on the disconnect, or I could focus on the fact that we came back to U/us.
In the end, that is all that matters. We ended the day as U/us.
#5. Vow renewal. We have talked about this often, but I would love it if his intent to lead and my intent to submit was the focus. My Man and I have been married a long time. When we first started out, I wanted to break all the stereotypes. I wanted to be listed first on our mortgage, the female realtor refused (that actually still irritates me that she refused!). I think I even asked what he thought about a hyphenated last name or at least I remember a conversation in which he told me NO chance in hell! I am the youngest and I knew I needed to yell loud to be heard, so, I yelled loud! I no longer feel that I need to yell to be heard. I am heard. I am seen and I am loved. I would like a chance to vow all the things we have now made a commitment to. This was already on my kink bucket list but Subhub has me really thinking about this one!! Very excited for my blog friend and his Mistress K as they prepare for their FLM vows ceremony!!
#4. Be a centerfold for my Man. I have always wanted to secretly set up a sexy photo shoot and surprise my Man with a calendar or magazine. Shit, even just some HOT pictures. My Man and I were just talking about him taking photos of me (he is actually a stunning photographer). Although I would love to make it a surprise for him (surprise! and hello babe if you are reading this) I also think it would be amazingly sexy for him to be my photographer!! And, I would feel much safer!
#3.Now this one is hard for me to say, because it is also terrifying.I want to be on display for my Man and have him bring me to a destination of (consensual) on-lookers as I serve him. I am proud of who I am for and with him, I want others who know what a gift we are to each other to see who he has helped me to become. The most amazing would be an extended D/s vacation spot or workshop?? I don't mean a nightclub, I would love a few days with like minded individuals who will see me kneel or say yes sir and will feel LOVE not discomfort. The closest we have come to this is when he took me out "shopping" with a remote vibrator in. He would turn it on and off during our drive or when we were alone in a shopping isle. He also happened to turn it on as we walked out of a store, needless to say, I came. Silently but slightly panting I am sure. Up walks a friend of my husbands and I cannot even speak to what occurred. I think he introduced us, not sure. All I do remember is I kept thinking "I'm sweating and slightly out of breath, he thinks I'm sick. He thinks I'm just sick". When we got to the car I asked my Man if his friend was a good guy. Ya, he's alright. Well, he just saw your wife cumming, I hope he deserves it. It had nothing to do with him. That wasn't for him. That was an amazing answer that I did not expect. My Man turned the remote on as we walked through isles together, not based on others being near (at all). This was for us.
#2. Training. I would like for my Man to have an end goal and to take me through the necessary step to get to his goal. Kink speaking, of course, it could be service positions perfected, deep throating with no gagging, taking # strikes without moving....the list of possibilities is endless. Just the thought of my Man training me to serve or to give of myself better is tremendously HOT!
#1. Tattoo'd for my Man
This is something we have actually both wanted to do for a long time, long before I became his submissive. We talked about getting our ring fingers tattoo'd. At this point, I want this tattoo to reflect our commitment fully.
SHARE YOUR KINK BUCKET LISTS TOO!!!!! I WOULD LOVE TO HEAR HOW CREATIVE YOU ALL ARE!!
I started this post many months ago....funny to read now and see where we are in checking these off. My new thoughts are in RED =) I am learning so much about myself and my kinks (still VERY true). We have always had a fun measure of kink together but we just continue to elevate our experiences and play time. There is still so much more I would love to do! I often wonder if my Husband knew what he was in for when we met as teenagers. (Oh, I bet he did, and that is why he put up with my shit for so long!)
Top 10 kinks I would love to try......
10. Punishment. Being held throat deep on his cock, gagging or not, for being rude or questioning him. Having him tie me down for a punishment spanking, making me count, telling me why I have earned each swat. Being held to task for my actions. Then the comfort after, connected and loving. Still on my bucket list. The activities I can cross off, but not related to the intent of punishment/consequence.
Side note: My Man was flicking my nipple over and over VERY hard one night and I kept my arms up and whined and squirmed, it felt like a punishment, it was VERY intense and focused. I even asked if this was for punishment or pleasure. He said punishment. I asked, 'why?'. He said 'I don't need a reason'. No, he doesn't and I love that. When we talked later, however, it was really just what he wanted to do and not punishment per say. Situations like this happen frequently. Intense spanking concentrated on one main spot, all in the name of fun! OUCH! Punishment appeals to me a great deal. To care enough to expect more, and follow through when it doesn't occur, is a very loving act for a submissive to experience I think.
9. Threesome. We have decided to call her a 'unicorn'. Every circumstance would have to be perfect for this to ever happen and the chances are little that we would ever find the right person. But, we still believe in unicorns! We had an opportunity a very long time ago and I backed out. I figured I would rather regret NOT doing it than us regret having done it and have it ruin us. In a world with no repercussions, this is still a kink I would love for us to try. Can I "ditto" myself!?
8. Sex slave. On a small scale we have dabbled in this. We continue to dabble in this... The kink I have in mind entails me being tied up for an entire day of full objectification. I want to be pushed to the edge, to be fucked, slapped, and whipped. I want to earn water and be denied food. I want to pee when I'm allowed. I want to serve my Master perfectly and be trained for that perfection. I want to be pushed to the edge physically and emotionally. I want his strength to be the only thing that keeps me going. As I vaguely alluded to in this post, we did have an extended session of slavery recently. It was truly amazing. My wrists were restrained in my leather cuffs stretched out like a "T" to each end of our homemade spreader bar secured to a large wooden vertical beam in our basement. I was also secured to the vertical beam with my beautiful pink rope, tits pressed hard into the wood. I was used, paddled/whipped, came into, then left. The sounds of my Man moving about upstairs LITERALLY could have made me cum if I had permission. Turning on the TV, sitting on the couch, stopping in the kitchen, going into the bathroom...as I was dripping, shaking, and dazed, drunk on sexual slavery. My nipples were clamped with an attached chain around the pole. Do I even care why serving my Man no matter how bad it hurts makes me feel like a best little subbie wife in the world?! When he came back down to work me over more my body was BEGGING for anything he would offer. He spanked hard and fucked me rough. The pain as my nipples pulled against the clamps secured around the pole was beyond intense. Predicament bondage, one of my favorites! I sobbed and moaned uncontrollably. DO YOU WANT MORE? I know this was my Man's way of offering me reprieve and checking in on my limits, and I love him for that. That is the reason I have never had to use my safeword. He is present and aware, and I begged for more. The fact that he only fucked my ass that day made me feel even more objectified, and it was true perfection! When he released me, I collapsed in a little ball at his feet. I felt like his beloved little pet. So needy, so spent. There's further we could go with this, and I cannot wait for more!
7. Caned. We don't own a cane but my Man was searching for a whip at one point, WTF!? I think I may get him a cane for Christmas (appropriate right?!) Any suggestions on an effective =) cane? 6. Food control. My Man recently announced that I would be losing some weight as he would be initiating control over my eating habits and making my plates for me. Please understand, we are truly fully comfortable with each other and he is the absolute definition of unconditional love. He loves every inch of me, even the extra ones. He knows I am looking to become more healthful and he also knows how much I crave his control and direction. I was teary eyed as I said, Yes, thank you. He is in the phase of figuring out how to take this control in the context of our vanilla life. Any tips my Dom readers?? 5. This is where my original post left off. I have more to add, but I will leave the last 5 for a different post! Thanks for reading =)
In honor of all the un-sexy, un-subby, un-perfect moments I have EVERY SINGLE day I want to chronicle this day for you a bit.
Let me actually start with last night...
I went to bed, un-showered (broken rule #1), no towel with me (broken rule #2), and dishes still in the sink (broken rule #3). I did, however, manage to follow ONE rule and prepare my beloved's bed. I was exhausted and there was not a single unselfish bone in my body, I needed sleep. I actually have NO memory on if we had any type of sex of any kind. I truly cannot recall. Un-sexy, un-subby and all true.
This morning, a day off of work! Kiddos at school, Husband home....sounds like the makings of a fuck-fest right?! That would be a good guess if we perfectly ran D/s 100% of the time. In full disclosure, I did sneak in a blow job before my behavior did a crash and burn! My cycle rounding the corner does it's best to turn me into a self righteous, bitch. I manage to irritate my Man to the point that he does not even hold my hand in the car (something he does without fail, every car ride).
I take my anti-bitch pill. I take it shamefully, and I blame him for judging when he has done nothing of the sort. Anti-bitch pill #1 doesn't do the trick, so I take #2. I slowly come around and it is like a sobered up drunk, I am embarrassed and regretful. He asks, Are you done? I am not sure that he sounded Dominant. He sounded, exhausted really. I answer, yes, and curl up next to him as he drives.
Now 24 hours later from the start of this blog chronicle, I am still un-showered (gross, I know, but I still have time). The dishes ARE done. I intend to bring my towel to bed. And, I will also prepare his side of the bed.
I am still his sub. He is still my Owner. I am still his wife. He is still my Husband.
Even on our best days....We are imperfect.
What is behind our curtain is the stuff that makes us, U/us. The things that we can share with each other and still know, that WE are in this for the long haul. I don't plan on sharing all that is behind our curtain, because after all, it is O/our curtain! But, I am committed to blogging FOR us, and that includes the ups and the downs.
As we read each others blogs, we need to be KIND to ourselves and to our partners. Each of us chooses to share small parts of the whole that makes us each our own, U/us. The grass is not greener, we just happen to have some damn terrific writers in blogland who are gracious enough to share the small things from their lives with us.
Everywhere we go, I people watch. Just a little bit.
People watching inevitably leads me to wondering, "Are any of these couples D/s couples?" For lack of wanting to list all the lifestyle possibilities, you all know what I mean. One leading, one following. Ownership/service....all in the name of deeper love.
It's not that I have nothing to talk about in the vanilla world, but I have so much more to relate to in the D/s world.
How freeing would it be to talk and be open with who we are, fully?
How freeing would it be for others to see him look at me, and for them to know that I have better and that I am expected to DO better?
How freeing would it be to respond "Yes, Sir" to him and to have others know that HE owns me and all that I am?
Our D/s dynamic is forefront in my mind most all of the time. I often wish that the others of us out there who felt the same and understand where we are, had some sort of a little tell sign.
Do me a favor bloggers, start wearing your scarlet letters so I know who you are! =)
When my head swirls I feel the need to dump. A list, if you will, of all the clutter messing around in there.
-I am sad. Sad actually doesn't cover it. True heartbreaking emptiness is filling every corner of my heart as I watch a loved one unexpectedly slip into a coma, and soon expected death, over a stupid, random, no big deal event. Goddamn tragic.
-I have made the recent choice to work more. For my family, for my co-workers, for those I work "for". All in attempts to earn better, do better, and be better. And for the most part, it has backfired. Having to fight for the compensation is ridiculous. Being gone from home enough for my children to literally assume that I will NOT be home for anything. They are not even being spiteful. They honestly go to my Man first for EVERYTHING right now. Every call goes to him, every bit of news on their day slides right past me. At one point I had not even see my children in 3 days. You would never know that being a mom comes first to me right now.
-I actually have a full FUCKING tree on my house! It is covering a power-line so the electric co. has to come remove that piece at least. Until that happens, however, the tree stays put. No one will come look at it (roof or tree removal) until the tree is free from the power line. One huge problem, power co. will not come for several days as we still have power and there is no sparking of wires! What the fuck is that!?
-I have had NO time to write. No time to journal. No time. I don't do well with this. How do you take "me" time when you haven't giving your kids their time?!
-Many people have joked with me that if you didn't actually see the shit that happens to me on a daily basis, you just would never believe it to be true. You KNOW you have a lot going on when that is what others tell you.
I have more to say but I think I will spare you all and just journal it.
Sorry for the dumping. I am feeling like the life preserver is just out of reach right now and I am just getting tired.
I have never had the pleasure of blogging in bed next to my Man. A girl could get used to this!
My Man was reading through my last post, his response was that what happened was WAY funnier than I wrote. He's right, it was. I forgot how I was thumping him in the ass with my knee like I was railing him from behind. I couldn't possibly remember, and write, the entire ridiculous exchange. But, it was FUNNY.
Then, he read the post just prior. And, his response is what it has been after he reads other intense posts I write. Who is THAT guy?!
Now this question makes me laugh and raise my eyebrows.
Did any of this NOT happen? Nope, it happened. I don't know who that guy doing that to you is though. I'm not that smooth. He's good!
I'm a girl. I over analyze. I think. I re-think. But, when I write about one of our play times, I just write. His actions, my response. I don't see if he fumbles with the cuffs as he places them on me. I hear the cuffs and I'm in heat. I don't see him rummaging through the toy box to find what to use next. I hear every delicious toy slide, clink, and scrape against each other. And, I get wet. He doesn't talk throughout our play time, but what he does say. HOLY shit. Can you tell that I am very turned on by listening to all that is going on. He is that smooth and he is THAT good. I know that he can't feel it the way I do but he just doesn't hear it the way I do either.
We have slowly clawed our way to where we want to be, where we NEED to be. We will always have to work purposefully as we fulfill our commitment to each other. But, we WILL continue to work for this. Every. Day.
Some days, minutes, weeks, hours, seem too disconnected for us to overcome. I write down all I can. Some words flow so very easily, the sadness dripping out into words like a fresh cut bleeds. It hurts to feel disconnected and alone. Some words, I just can't bear to say.
We reach a breaking point.
And, then it happens.
We reconfigure our commitment.
He stands tall as my loneliness melts away. Thankful and HAPPY that HE is my Owner. THANKFUL and happy that I am HIS sub. Weeks of renewed (and NEW) commitments lived with purpose.
I spent my day, a slave to my Owner. I dried him off after he showered and took my turn after.
He takes more than I knew I had.
He asks me if I can take more.
I reply in a whispered incoherent sob.
You have earned a day to relax.
He says as my skin glows more and more red hot with each strike.
My Man was over my shoulder as I wrote to a blogger friend who is struggling. He asked Do you want me to answer? I couldn't say yes fast enough! As I sat back waiting to see what he wrote, my stomach was so excited I wanted to puke (doesn't sound good but I assure you, I was GOOD excited!) Then, he offered to comment on one of my blog entries! The original comment is here but I copied it to this post....as I feel my Man is deserving of his very own blog post! I love you more than I ever show to you, babe. Thank you!!!!
this is going to be a life long learning process of how to learn/earn the right to be in this lifestyle.....there are going to be times where signals are missed..men and women are different.....Beastie Boys lyrics are going to be pulsing through your head sometimes just to see if he notices your deviousness....because you feel he wasn't looking anyway...right?! Well guess what...he is listening....he is watching...and he remembers too....the way I view my bride being submissive to me is the ultimate act of love.....surrendering.....is giving complete control over to someone else.....that is nothing but LOVE....I embrace this lifestyle because it is what we should all do....in every relationship there are roles that need to be in place..and since my bride wants to talk lyrics....I'll quote the great Zac Brown Band...."because its one wheel, four hands, two hearts trying to understand....How are we gonna get there? When we're both trying to drive?" My role is to get us to where we're going..and take control....my brides is to do what it is I ask and to not grab the wheel and try and take us to a place she feels I want to go..........I will lead you there....P's Man.
During check in time last night (for any readers who are new or just plain don't know, we do "check in" times when we need to touch base and stay on track as D/s) my Man reminds me of all that is expected of me this week.
My brain WELCOMES this! There is no information overload to worry about, I need this clear reminder, this boundary, and the limits HE provides. My tasks from him are the same but I need the structure of his check in time to stay connected.
-Personal journal/blog time.
He accounts for all that I have coming up this week.
Dishes. He says.
Every night. I reply.
I may change that to what you did tonight, it looked great.
He is referring to my (almost) full cleaning of the entire kitchen.
Yes, sir. Thank you.
And, I mean that with all my heart. My belly literally flips with excitement. During our big talk, I blogged about prior, he was very clear that the reason he would NOT be adding any tasks/rules is because I was not respectful enough to do what he had asked prior with any consistency. I have changed my focus and I am serving HIS needs. Adding more means I am FINALLY doing it well!!
And, you will be going to sleep every night with my cum down your throat. If you want me anywhere else, that's fine too, you will clean him off if you have to because I'm cumming down your throat.
This is who I fall asleep with each night and who I wake up to every morning. Knowing that at the end of each day, whatever crazy schedule I will keep, EVERY day this week will end with his cum in my mouth is AMAZING! I need that consistent reminder of who I belong to and who I am in our home. I NEED to be his.
I am his LOVE.
I am his sub.
I am his wife.
And, yes, I am his mouth to fuck.
I am his personal whore. His personal whore who is LUCKY enough to be marked every night as his. Oh- my dreams will be naughty!
We had a horrible few days of disconnect that was just brewing to a head. For my part of this disconnect, I felt unheard, un-taken care of, and unnoticed. In short, I was ONLY looking at me. I was very selfish and stopped VERY short of noticing how I was lacking.
When it finally did boil over, I spewed out all the self righteous thoughts of frustration I had been having and fully expected my Man to feel horrible. For (at least) the second time that night, I was WRONG.
I learned many things from our talk that night...
#1. I am skilled at sabotage. (In walks that song lyric into my head again.)
I ask a question that I expect only one acceptable answer to. When he doesn't jump through the hoop I set out, I go one more step down the old path of thinking and I am slowly certain that he is not committed to this part of our life.
#2. I have been a shitty surrendered sub.
I have been so damn busy filling my time with every subby activity I feel is right and good that I literally have never done the 3 main requests/rules asked of me for any consistent amount of time. (I should have been clued in L-O-N-G ago when my Man said that I would have to earn this new "toy" I am wanting and it still has yet to come...I just assumed (wrong again) that he wasn't interested in this toy).
#3. For My Man to be a GREAT Dom, HE needs a GREAT sub.
He has no reason to believe that he has a great committed sub when this sub does not even feel that his requests are important enough to follow. When I can handle more, he might just give me more. I need to actually DO what he has asked of me
Since that talk, I can feel that my service does have a purpose. I am no longer serving to be a sub. I am serving to be HIS sub. When I catch myself doing or saying what I find to be important, I stop for a moment to assess if I have even done what HE has asked of me first. It is so simple really, why do I make it so difficult!?
Check in times have resumed. This will be a great help to me so that if I do start down that path again, he will know right away and can reign me in. And, as my Man has reminded me, I have needs. He will be taking better care of those needs just as soon as the littles are back in school. My need for a spanking will need to wait.
Our two week sabbatical is over. We are home. Family time, U/us time, my alone time. There was some well earned rest & fun.
We talked. We cuddled. We quietly allowed our D/s sides to connect when our lodging accommodations allowed it. Even some lovely D/s time when vanilla was expected and we were out in the open.
That connection time- every piece of it- is invaluable to us. THAT is when we have time to be free and to communicate clearly.
My Man had the opportunity to tell me more of what he needs from me as his sub/wife. I don't usually hear this part from him as often as I would like. It sounds crazy maybe, being that we choose to live a D/s lifestyle, but he is not usually giving me direction or rules. I have thought about this in terms of my tomato plants, follow me on this, it really should makes sense. My tomato plants can grow just fine with only the soil and water we have, they really can. But, to REALLY make them flourish, I have to prune them. I have to break off the stems that aren't fruitful, turn the soil, remove the weeds, and guide each limb to be supported by the surrounding cage. When I don't do this, the tomatoes grow just fine. But, when I put in the effort to DO this, they grow SO MUCH better!
Can I be a good submissive for my Husband just because it is in me to do so. Sure.
Can I be a GREAT submissive without HIS input, pruning, and effort. No.
The biggest enemy of being GREAT........is being good.
In my heart, I know that I
always try to choose the rough rocky path, the path less traveled.I am hardwired to EARN every crumb I
get.It fills me to know that I have
what I have because of my efforts.
Taking this on at this point in our life and my career would further put me down the
path of being a better "worker" than Mom and wife.
My goal is to be a GREAT Mom and a GREAT wife. FIRST.
I am proud of who I am. Who our children are growing up to know. I am GREAT at what I do!
I choose, no. I don't have to create a more difficult path, I have chosen a difficult one already. I am challenged every single day in my career, and when I come home, what matters to them is that I am Mom and wife. Not the other.
appropriate…I am sitting on the deck, in the sun, the rest of our house is
asleep, and the calendar on my phone alerts….."Pearl not knockin the lights out, starts today.”
Submissives and why we surrender
This is BY FAR my favorite search title on my "Traffic Sources" history......EVER.
Yes, my blog is filled with details of our sex life.
True, I don't hold very much back.
But...I DO have a purpose. Everything I share is shared to chronicle our ups and downs.
I work to express my own thoughts as to why I surrender. I came to blogging with similar searches looking for answers and looking for a place to call my own.
A submissive in need of a like minded community-
finding this blog-
with that search-
We were in bed the night after my panic attack. Time to talk, check in, reconnect. Emotions were raw and more vulnerable than usual. I was distantly worried it would happen again. I wanted him to take me away. My man stated that my reaction freaked him out. He needed time. He needed to give me time.
I wanted to show him that it was NOT his heavy Dominance that pushed me over.
I wanted him to push me harder.
I wanted him to take my ass the way he did that night. Before I crumbled.
In that first few long minutes of talking I had completely forgotten what got us to the loving place we are. I had forgotten that what makes us, U/us, is that we are committed to GIVING love, not taking love. WE are in this together. This is NOT about what I want. My focus changed. Not trusting that My Man should carry the burden of my anxiety with me is a large part of what caused me to get to a breaking point. I trusted his choice, cuddled up close to him, and fell asleep. Wrapped in safety, acceptance, Dominance, and LOVE.
My Man decides that one day off is plenty. Our toy box is out and I am restrained (very creatively I may add) by my hands and my feet. I am naked, front and center in the living room, on my hands and knees. He slides the soft ottoman under me. Hands secured to one end of the L-shaped couch side, feet secured to the opposite end of the L-shape.
His restraints make me float. Instantly. I feel my eyes blinking ever so slowly. My lips soften and I breath in soft, slow, healing breaths.
I am so lost in every sound of rope moving, metal clip chiming, hand smacking. He is not easy on me and I am drunken with surrender. His hand smacks hard down onto my ass. The wooden paddle, even harder. Even the pretty pink flogger feels heavy tonight. I hear yelling and moaning. I vaguely recognize the sounds as my own. Intense. Demanding. I do have more to give. And tonight...he takes it. I can feel his need and want. It spirals me even farther to know that THIS feeds HIS love right along with me.
Tonight there is little warm up. He goes straight into my ass with an insertable attachment on the magic wand. ONE!
I count out my orgasms as they come (as expected).
Again, little warm up, he moves into my aching and soaked cunt with his other hand. Little else gives me the sensation of COMPLETE contented surrender as when he takes me past the point of coherent thought and stretches me full. My body LITERALLY aches for him and because of him. It is the most delectable combination.
At some unremembered number, I loose count of my orgasms. I stop counting out.
HOW MANY PEARL?! I.........I don't know...........
I am desperately attempting to stay alert and understand his words but all I feel is SENSATION. My cum flowing down my legs onto my required play towel. His hand demanding me to open for him. The pull of my wrists away from the pull of my ankles. My long un-pulled back hair strewn all over my face and back.
I cry the most healing, welcomed, cleansing tears of submission as I am stripped bare of all that holds me back from being, ME.
He is a gift.
He is MY gift.
He alone turns the key that unlocks all that is good in me.
What ever you want to call the week and a half prior to my period and few days after it starts, it's hell. This is like beating a dead horse as I blog this. I have said the same on many of posts. I journal the same. For the most part, this 2 week time frame when The Bitch is Back is hardly unchanged. Sure, the irritations and frustrations may change but my irrational and unacceptable response to them, not so much.
In walks the anxiety of it all. I DO NOT WANT TO BE LIKE THIS. I have better in me, I just canNOT let it out. What has changed is the building and building of anxiety month after month with little reprieve. Two weeks off sounds like it should help. It no longer does. My two weeks of "normal Pearl" are not enough time to recover from The Bitch I was just prior and The Bitch soon to come. I knew this was building and something had to give.
I made a Dr. appointment.
Two more days and I would have the courage to ask for help. Two more days and I would make the leap.
My Man and I were in our room, Him very DOM.....and I, very sub. He pushed and I released. He did everything right and loving. For me, very Dom, IS LOVING and RIGHT. I need direction when I cannot see clearly. He gave me what I needed. "Yes, sir" was my response to many requests and statements. Each direction he gave allowed me a moment to breath. The requests and statements are not important but they were personally important to us.
He took what I had to give in a very DOM way, LOVING and RIGHT.
And, I still felt.....empty.
I began to cry. I was so damn silent. Why did I not want him to hear me?
My nose became so plugged as I quietly sobbed that I couldn't even swallow. I sat up a bit to clear my throat and try again. As I laid back down a rush of panic flooded my head. I sat up right away again, with my head in my hands. "I think I'm having a panic attack!" And it began. My very un-welcomed first.
I was sobbing loudly now and I think I was God-damn drooling I was crying so hard. Everything else was tuned out. My Man was asking me questions and although I could hear him I could not speak. My Man kept talking to me calmly. My Man kept checking my pulse. My Man kept touching me softly.
He did everything RIGHT and LOVING.
Panic. Never before and I surely hope never again. I don't think it lasted long but it was long enough. When it was over, it felt as though I sobered up. It was nothing like the uncontrollable panic I had just felt but I felt a sense of purposeful fear. I felt surprised by what had happened. I don't know if I said it out loud or not but all I thought was I don't want THAT to ever happen again. And, I damn well meant it.
Words poured out of me. No more crying. No more hiding. I had no idea how much my hiding could hurt me. I had no idea how much my hiding could hurt My Man.
This post is to be continued....not because I want anyone to hang on my words. This post is truly so difficult to write and I am leaving it in my "draft" pile until I feel like I can let it out. I terrified myself with what happened and I found out later that I terrified My Man. It left him feeling unsure on his decision to be very DOM that night. What I want, for this post, is to be clear for My Man, EVERYTHING he did was RIGHT and LOVING.
So much of what we do and what we feel is lost in translation. Literally. How we communicate as partners; man/woman, husband/wife, Dom/sub (what ever your titles may be) is so unique to each of us. We have innate tendencies, learned behaviors, and choice to contend with.
How is it that some relationships can flourish and others spiral to a bitter end?
You commit to love. You commit to a relationship that is based on GIVING love and not taking. When you both have a commitment to GIVE love you are not focused on what you may or may not have received. You feel truly grateful to have what you do and each day opens with a new opportunity to love. You share in your partners victories, because you have GIVEN them all they needed to achieve their goal. You focus on how you can better love your partner. Is your partner deserving of your GIVING love? No, they are deserving of MORE!
What do you do when one of you fails to GIVE?
You wake up fresh. And, you start GIVING again tomorrow.
I am thankful to be GIVEN love every day.
I am even more thankful that I have someone to GIVE my love to.
I read this blog entry by Jack, Meredith's HOH/Husband. Like many of your blogs and blog entries, it left me stunned. Someone feels like I do..... I have talked with My Man about him reading this or that, he is mostly uninterested. He does not feel any need to fit into what others do. We are us, and no-one else. I brought the computer open to the blog entry, asked him to read it. For me, HE DID.
What is "TTWD"? He asks
I almost start to giggle. I forget HE does not read all this.....I read ALL this.
It stands for "This Thing We Do". It's basically an overall term for each couple's version of this relationship dynamic, what they choose.
I think I may have stammered out my answer. Each time I crawl out from my cave a little more, I am full of nerves. Will this be too much? Will that cross the line? Am I as abnormal as I sometimes feel? The thought of his rejection is real, only in my mind. My Man has gone to hell and back WITH me, more times than I wish were needed. Does he make decisions for us that HE is comfortable with, YES. Reject me, NEVER. Is this how it feels for you? Yes...
Nothing more was said. I followed his lead. My heart knows that HE needs to choose what is right for us and what is right for "This Thing WE Do".
I am wearing my very subbie nightshirt. We all have them, the ones that don't hide all the good bits! I wear it for no good reason and for every good reason. I make effort to NOT hide my good bits from him no matter what. Tonight is a 'no matter what' night. I am uneasy. Is he finally thinking that I AM as abnormal as I feel sometimes?!?
We are laying in bed.
Me on my tummy.
He notices that I have not hidden any of my good bits.
Slides his hand over my shirt.
Down my back.
Over my bare backside.
He stops there.
This IS a good shirt for bed.
I smile in the darkness. **SMACK!**
I am stunned but I don't move a bit as he takes a short time to alternate cheeks.
**SMACK** **SMACK!** **SMACK**
He rubs his chosen spot, my right butt cheek, and settles in with many, MANY more. I am in silent, sobbing disbelief. I am NOT as abnormal as I sometimes think that I am.
No tears come but-
I. AM. SOBBING.
Then, calm. Floating calm that I have not felt in a very long time.
Feels like forgiveness.
I do just as he says. He directs me as I alternate from taking him in my mouth to climbing on top of him. Deeper. I want you to cum on me.
There is no choice to be made, My Man wants to be deeper in me, I will make that happen. He enjoys me for a long while (who am I kidding, HE let me enjoy him for a long while!!).
I thanked him so much for using his hand. The connection was truly emotional. I LOVE THIS MAN.