Monday, November 25, 2013

Happy Endings...and the night he (almost) broke my heart

I had been feeling off for some time.  My communication of needing to submit and surrender to my husband was not being made clear.  I want you to hurt me, I want to feel how much I can take for you.  His look of confusion should have said it all but his words hit straight to my core,  I don’t really need this.  We were on completely different pages and I was wearing my vulnerable heart on my bare sleeve.  How do you say that you feel like a better wife when you sit at his feet?  How do you say that you feel loved when he takes what he wants and holds your head down on his cock as you fight to not gag him out.  How do you say that you need this?!

From my vantage point I had searched my entire adult life for something I thought did not exist- what could be more than love?  What could be more than getting married, having his children, and saying I Love You?  What could possibly task me to show him and really live the love I so proudly say that I have for him?  It's too simple (and incorrect by the way) to say that my submission and surrender is just about sex.  Again, from my vantage point I had just discovered the cure for cancer, the fountain of youth, AND Jimmy Hoffa’s fucking grave site!  My heart was ripped wide open when I discovered submission.  The answer to every question I have ever asked and every prayer I ever prayed.  I don’t just love him I SERVE HIM. HOLY. SHIT.  Christmas morning!  Only I had not even considered it might not be his Christmas morning and I was absolutely unprepared for that.

His words were lost on me, all I heard was different versions of I don’t love/want you that way.  Just as he needed to be honest and share his thoughts, I had to be honest and share mine.  As per my usual, I spent time inside myself first.  I was utterly broken and felt more rejected by him than I ever remember feeling in all our lives together.  I spent days feeling just hollow.  I no longer felt that I belonged at his feet.  I no longer felt that what I was giving to him was any more than being an annoying partner and a cheap slut.  He can make me squirt cum.  I didn't want to cum, I didn't deserve to cum.  It was ugly and selfish and I couldn't believe I ever let go like that.  I hated ever wanting more than love with him.  I fell so easily into wanting to serve him that it ripped my soul out as I had to remind myself that I had no place at his feet.  And most certainly, that ever wanting to cum/be spanked/tied up/fucked/dominated just solidified how off track I was.

When I finally did talk it was because my sadness became unbearable.  I couldn't breathe.  I laid in our bed and felt, hopeless.  He thought I was angry- and that’s when I found my voice.  I’m actually not angry at all...I’m just......sad.  You said that you married the old Pearl but this is me too.  I remember crying, unable to find my breath for so long.  He asked me if doing all those things really felt like love to me, and without a moment of thought, I answered him.  Yes.  Complex question with a very simple answer.  Yes.  The fact that he asked me that question made me think that he had already decided on his answer.  I had chosen to submit to him and trust him unconditionally, and I felt that I would soon be agreeing to end this part of us.  He held me and I felt as though I was grieving.

I don’t ever want to come like I do anymore.  I almost whispered it out.  My head on his chest my arms and body facing his.  I was curled so tightly into him I wanted to feel no separation.  He softly asked me Why?  Again, I whispered Because it's stupid.  I think he felt my sadness in that moment.  He held me so close and lovingly and told me how much he loves me and how much he loves that I can cum for him.  I explained myself as best I could.  Being this for you has made me feel…alive!  I don’t want a pillow on the floor just to fuck you on.  I want a pillow on the floor when I sit next to you.  It makes me feel feminine.  To remind me of what I’m doing and where I belong with us.  He had no idea.  How could he.  I asked for a pillow in the middle of sucking his cock I’m sure.  

The night he (almost) broke my heart…..Oh thank God for HAPPY ENDINGS!   He told me that the last few days had been horrible.  Those very days that I felt I was giving him what he wanted.  Those very days I worked so hard to avoid serving and submitting to him.  Those very days that I stayed off my knees and off the floor and out of our bed.  Those very days that my heart was being torn out and ruined. 

I was on my back next to him, naked.  My legs open as his right hand slides up my inner thigh, fingers dipping inside me, whispering into my ear. Cum for me.  Oh how I like the warmth of his words in my ear. Sliding fingers in and up.  He knows my body so well.  Cum for me, babe.  His left arm curled around the back of my head as he takes my nipple between his fingers, squeezing and rolling.  Pain is so closely related to pleasure for me.  I push against his hand to feel, more.  My orgasm builds and I shook my head no over and over to make the sensations go away.  Equal parts of wanting to give him anything he asked for and never wanting to offer myself as a gift worth receiving ever again.  A true hell for a wife who has no need for her own heart, everything I have/am/will ever be is wrapped up in one simple truth.  I was made for him.  My intent in life is for his to be better and brighter.  How could I ever do that if I wasn't seeing myself as a gift for him?  I came.  Not because I wanted sex or because I wanted to be touched or because I wanted to be taken care of.  I came because he told me that HE wanted me to.  I came because I love him and he loves me right back.

23 comments:

  1. Oh my goodness, this is beautiful. Raw, open, heartbreaking. I can't tell you how many times I felt chills run down my spine, felt the hairs on my arms stand on end while reading this. That whole "OMG I've been seen," feeling, like you wrote straight out of my own experience, my own feelings, my own heart.

    A beautiful start to what I hope will be a cathartic blog for you.

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    1. Thank you, Thank you, Thank you! You gave me the courage to start this blog. I am so excited that you could feel what I wanted to say in this opening blog. All I can say is a heartfelt thank you...
      Pearl

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  2. Yes, it's nice to have a man that inspires you to go to your knees. I had one, or another, in fantasies for a long time, never imagining I'd ever have one in reality. But I do :)

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    1. Tiklish, thank you so much for coming to my blog and commenting! It really is just beyond all imagination when you have the real life man of your fantasies in your bed isn't it. Very happy for you!! Enjoy him!
      Pearl

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  3. Hi, conina sent me over via her link. Its lovely to meet u. N what an intense heartfelt opening piece! I hope to get to know u better :)

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    1. Fondles, I see your comments on Conina's site often =) Thank you for commenting and coming to visit my blog. It really means a LOT to me! Thank you again, Pearl

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    2. i've added your blog to this week's Follow Friday. look out for it :)

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    3. Hey Fondles, so when I said I was new to blogs I mean I am real new. I don't know what Follow Friday is. Help! TY- Pearl

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  4. I'm another who found your blog through Conina, and I'm glad I did :) Stunning opening post, I can identify with so much of what you felt at that time.

    Can't wait to read more

    Flip xx

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    1. Flip, I am so thankful to Conina for introducing me and my blog to all of you. I have been amazed to find like minded people- it's nice to not feel alone. Thank you for the kind words. You truly made my day!! -Pearl

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  5. Welcome to Blogland.

    May you be blessed on your journey.

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    1. lil, I feel blessed already by the comments. And, I am finding Blogland to be an awfully nice place so far! Thanks, Pearl

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  6. Wow this is beautiful Pearl! So heartbreaking and so blissfully sweet.

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  7. Aurora, Thank you. Your comment reflects the exact feelings I was experiencing and I am so thankful I was able to convey that. Welcome to my blog!! -Pearl

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  8. Hi Pearl .. I found your blog thru Fondles and HOLY SMOKES! Welcome to blogland. That was a beautiful, heartfelt post!!!

    (((hugs)))
    gk

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  9. Just found your blog. GREAT post. It felt like I could have written parts of it myself. Seeing ourselves in others is so very comforting. Thank you.

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  10. SW,
    Thank you so much for your comment! I remember how nervous I was to post this. Welcome to my blog, come on in any time!! XOXO Pearl

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  11. Wow. I had this exact same scenario a couple of weeks ago. Feeling sad. Said it was stupid and I didn't want to do it any more. Only my scenario didn't end as happily as yours did. *sigh* I'm making the effort to stay sweet and submissive because he likes that, but after the past couple of weeks, I'm kind of just not caring any more. I'm not sure what you do after you put yourself completely out there and nothing happens or you get told 'maybe later'. It IS stupid and I DON'T want to do it any more. I obey, but in my head and my heart I think I might be dying a bit. I'm holding on to the hope that after our last child leaves the nest in August that my husband will find that 'later' has finally arrived. Until then, I'll assume the best and act accordingly. And keep my thoughts to myself.

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  12. Hey there His Juliet,
    I see you, and I truly hear how you're feeling. It feels heartbreaking and lonely when you are the only one wanting this life. Just before this talk, my body physically hurt and I was miserable. During this talk, I couldn't even breath. You do feel as though a part of you is just drifting away. After this talk, we have slowly made changes.

    I am so sorry that you are in such a difficult spot right now. Especially when he wants the sweet and submissive but not keeping up his end of the deal. When we don't feel like we are getting what we needing, it's difficult to submit.

    What I can tell you is that although we move in the right direction overall, we have gotten there through so many ups and downs along the way. It's difficult.

    Don't keep your thoughts to yourself....bring them here to blogland. Let them out and try to focus your mind, it may help.

    You're always welcome here!
    XOXO Pearl

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  13. Hey there His Juliet,
    I see you, and I truly hear how you're feeling. It feels heartbreaking and lonely when you are the only one wanting this life. Just before this talk, my body physically hurt and I was miserable. During this talk, I couldn't even breath. You do feel as though a part of you is just drifting away. After this talk, we have slowly made changes.

    I am so sorry that you are in such a difficult spot right now. Especially when he wants the sweet and submissive but not keeping up his end of the deal. When we don't feel like we are getting what we needing, it's difficult to submit.

    What I can tell you is that although we move in the right direction overall, we have gotten there through so many ups and downs along the way. It's difficult.

    Don't keep your thoughts to yourself....bring them here to blogland. Let them out and try to focus your mind, it may help.

    You're always welcome here!
    XOXO Pearl

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  14. I always love visiting blogs from the beginning and I am so glad I did...this is beautiful and emotional and heartfelt...thanks for sharing... My husband and I have only explored spanking but their is a part of me, hidden, but present that wants to be submissive in some way to my husband...whether simply in the bedroom...I do not know...it has not been explored...nor has the spanking to fulfill my needs...but I hope somehow I can discover truly what it is I desire and what he desires and hopefully we desire the same:-) Hugs

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  15. Terps, Thank you. It took a lot for me to put myself out there in the very beginning, even in this mostly anonymous blog. I am thankful every day for those of you who don't judge or demean but find a common ground in what we are going through. I do hope that you can explore your submissive side. It has changed our lives =)
    Thank you again!
    XOXO Pearl

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